Couple seeking to undo their divorce get turned down

Lynne Tuohy Associated Press

CONCORD, N.H. – Should those irreconcilable differences suddenly become reconcilable, don’t go looking to get un-divorced in New Hampshire.

The state’s Supreme Court this month upheld a lower court ruling refusing to vacate a New Castle couple’s 2014 divorce after 24 years of marriage.

Terrie Harmon and her ex-husband, Thomas McCarron, argued on appeal that their divorce decree was erroneous because they mended fences and are a couple once more. But the justices, in a unanimous ruling issued Dec. 2, said the law allows them to grant divorces – not undo them.

Courts in some states – including Illinois, Nebraska, Mississippi, Arkansas, Maryland and Kentucky – will vacate divorces within a certain time frame or under certain circumstances, at the parties’ request. Others – including New York and South Dakota – maintain they, like New Hampshire, have no statutory authority to undo a divorce.

Attorney Joshua Gordon, appointed to defend the lower court’s ruling, said allowing the couple’s divorce to be undone could jeopardize the finality of all divorces.

“Divorce is a uniquely fraught area of litigation,” Gordon argued. “For divorced couples, it is often important to have the solace of knowing that their former spouse is indeed former.”

Harmon and McCarron were married in 1989 and filed for divorce in January 2014; the divorce decree was finalized in July that same year. In March, they filed a joint motion to vacate the decree.

New Hampshire law does allow for divorces to be set aside for reasons of fraud, accident, mistake or misfortune. Gordon said none of those circumstances happened in the Harmon-McCarron divorce and that any adverse financial consequences the couple claimed were “self-imposed.”

“I think it was partly sentimental, and partly that they had some business interests that a divorce and remarry would be more complicated than undoing the divorce,” Gordon said.

Harmon, a lawyer, argued in court papers that a couple shouldn’t have to show the decree was legally flawed if they reconcile. She said that test is “designed to balance the interests of adverse parties,” not those who want to get back together.

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Women More Likely Than Men to Initiate Divorce: Study

Women are more likely than men to initiate divorce, but they are no more likely than men to initiate breakups in a dating relationship, according to a new US study.

"The breakups of non-marital heterosexual relationships in the US are quite gender neutral and fairly egalitarian," said study author Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University.

Rosenfeld analyzed data from a 2009-2015 survey on couples in US. He looked at 2,262 adults, ages 19 to 94, who had opposite sex partners in 2009. By 2015, 371 of these people had broken up or gotten divorced.

As part of his analysis, Rosenfeld found that women initiated 69 per cent of all divorces, compared to 31 per cent for men.

In contrast, there was not a statistically significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by unmarried women and men, regardless of whether they had been living with their partners.

Social scientists have previously argued that women initiate most divorces because they are more sensitive to relationship difficulties.

Rosenfeld argues that were this true, women would initiate the breakup of both marriages and non-marital relationships at equal rates.

"Women seem to have a predominant role in initiating divorces in the US as far back as there is data from a variety of sources, back to the 1940s," Rosenfeld said.

Perhaps women were more likely to initiate divorces because, as Rosenfeld found, married women reported lower levels of relationship quality than married men.

In contrast, women and men in non-marital relationships reported equal levels of relationship quality.

Rosenfeld said his results support the feminist assertion that some women experience heterosexual marriage as oppressive or uncomfortable.

"I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality," Rosenfeld said.

"Wives still take their husbands' surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare," Rosenfeld said.

"On the other hand, I think that non-marital relationships lack the historical baggage and expectations of marriage, which makes the non-marital relationships more flexible and therefore more adaptable to modern expectations, including women's expectations for more gender equality," he said.

The study will be presented at the 110th Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association in Chicago.

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A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

 

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

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5 Common Myths of Divorce

When love and respect no longer thrive in your marriage, and you have exhausted every possible option to save your marriage, then divorce is the next step. But when the time comes to divorce, work towards a mature and respectful agreement. Try not to believe in the myths.

You hear various types of divorce stories. Some divorces end amicably and some end dreadfully. Along with the stories come myths that are not necessarily true in all divorces. Each couple who has divorced or is in the process does not go through the same emotions.
I divorced my first husband many years ago because love no longer existed. The blame was not put on one person; we were both to blame. Marriage was just not for us. But, our divorce was respectful. Nevertheless, not every divorce ends the same way.
Though each divorce ends differently, here are five common myths of divorce:

• Having children will prevent divorce. It is never a wise decision to have a child as a way to prevent a divorce from happening. Two things can occur: there is no divorce but both parties are noticeably unhappy or the divorce takes place anyway. When a married couple has exhausted all options to save their marriage and divorce is the only way out, then let it take its course. Having a child to hold onto a spouse is irresponsible and selfish. Children are a blessing, not a game.

• Disagreements always lead to divorce. Most couples argue. My husband and I argue, but it doesn’t mean we have divorce in mind. Having disagreements once in a while is only natural. Couples share differences of opinions and have every right to express them. Opinions may lead to an argument. However, when couples truly love each other and respect one another, they pull back from the disagreement. Many people fail to understand marriages are not always a fairytale, though there are many fairytale moments. Disagreements are inevitable, but not always the reason for divorce.

• Divorce is always expensive. Not all divorces are expensive. Many couples choose to handle their divorce outside of court. They hire lawyers that will help them set up a mutual agreement. That approach reduces the costs of divorce.

• Children will always stay with the mother. For the most part, children do stay with the mother. But this is not always the case. A mother doesn’t have to be unstable or incapable to handle her child to lose custody. If the judge handling the divorce case decides the child is in better hands with the father, the mother will lose custody. Moreover, once a child is of a certain age (each state has a specific age), he or she can decide who he or she wants to live with. It’s best when a couple makes all divorce decisions between them as a way to avoid risking losing full custody of the child.

• Divorce is always one person’s fault. No, divorce is not always one person’s fault. Most divorces are the result of both people. For example, if the man cheats on his wife, the wife is immediately blamed for his infidelity. She does not keep him happy. That's an unfair statement. Sometimes a couple just outgrow each other, and they understand they cannot live together.

When love and respect no longer thrive in your marriage, and you have exhausted every possible option to save your marriage, then divorce is the next step. But when the time comes to divorce, work towards a mature and respectful agreement. Try not to believe in the myths.

Article source: heraldtimesonline.com

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Crazy Divorce Stories!

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9 Divorce Stories Too Ridiculous To Make Up

There's nothing like divorce to bring out the crazy in people.

Need proof? Below, we've assembled some of the most ridiculous responses to a Reddit thread asking divorce lawyers to reveal the craziest demands and antics they've had to deal with. Read what they had to say -- and try not to weep too hard for the sad, sorry state of humanity.

1. "I had a couple arguing for three hours over who got the kids on Christmas day, only to discover at the end that they were both Jewish." -msc2436

2. "Our case fell apart over a massage chair. They had two kids, but they couldn't let go of the damn chair." -lawschoollorax

(Image credit: Shin Taro via Getty Images)

3. "Took the couple two hours to decide who would get the groceries left in the fridge. Estimated value of the groceries was around $40. Two hours of my time, opposing counsel time, and mediator time added up to about $1,000. It all came down to a Costco/Sam's Club-sized jar of peanut butter. (Who keeps peanut butter in the fridge?!)" -ammjh

4. "I was in a mediation where it took the couple an hour and a half to split their personal property, retirement accounts, real property, and custody of their six-month-old son. The rest of the day, about four hours, was spent arguing about how to split the time with the dog. For the kid they just put, 'as agreed upon by the parties' but the dog had a strict calendered schedule working out holidays and strict pickup/drop-off times. I was ashamed to be a part of that unbelievable display." -FattyBinz

(Image credit: Tim Kitchen via Getty Images)

5. "My dad was a divorce attorney for some time. He said people would argue over $150 patio furniture for hours on end at a $300/hour rate (each side). It's not about the patio furniture, it's about sending a message to your b*tch of an ex-husband/wife." -spaceflunky

6. "I had a case where the estranged wife was calling my client's employer repeatedly, accusing him of theft and other white-collar crimes, [in an attempt] to get my client fired. The thing is, the children were with her, and she was also demanding child support. Which is based on his income. For the job from which she was trying to get him fired. (Fortunately, the employer was onto her BS and my client wasn't let go.)" -JournalofFailure

7."Marriage proposal from wife's new boyfriend while he was being questioned during her divorce proceedings. Classy." -KnowsTheLaw

(via Fuse via Getty Images)

8. "I dated a divorce lawyer and my favorite story from his work was the man who was super pissed that the division of assets was 50/50 and that his wife's lawyer had a forensic accountant who found his multiple offshore money stashes. In retaliation, he demanded half the dog. Not joint custody. Half of the dog, who was his wife's much beloved, very spoiled little buddy. He burned through thousands of dollars of legal fees just to make her cry, by demanding that the dog be put to sleep and its ashes split, 50/50. People are delightful!" -TheNightWitch

9. "I had a client completely sandpaper/key the finish off a brand new Maserati that was given to the wife pursuant to settlement agreement because he hated his ex so much. He also took off the tires. I also had a guy who funneled money over to his girlfriend, thinking he was slick hiding it from his wife. Girlfriend broke up with him and kept it." -RuskayaPrincesa

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Article source: Huffingtonpost.com

How to Deal With Your Ex at Your Children's Special Events

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Does the very thought of seeing your ex at your child's special events make you so angry you'd rather make an appearance at traffic court?

Birthdays, sporting events, school conferences, getting your child situated in their college dorm, weddings...regardless of how long you have been separated or divorced, each of these special events can cause you to experience wide swings of emotions that can feel overpowering. Feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration and resentment can eat away at you emotionally before, during and after the special event takes place.

I remember when my oldest daughter graduated from college. Since my ex had parenting time with our young son that weekend, he drove with our son to the college several hours away and I drove with our other daughter. When my daughter and I arrived at the older daughter's college residence, I was surprised to discover that my former brother-in-law who I had once been very close to had shown up from another state and was sitting on the front porch with my ex. Since he had quit speaking to me early on during the divorce, the pain and anger I felt came to the surface.

Biting the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in check, I spent the time before the graduation ceremony in another part of the house and then ended up sitting at the graduation with my daughter's roommate's mom and her relatives -- on the opposite side from where my ex, son, other daughter and former brother-in-law were all sitting together.

How can you deal with your ex at your child's next special event?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Think of your Ex as a Very Difficult Business Associate -- You know, the one who steals the limelight for your hard work, waits till the very last minute to tell you something important and who forms secret alliances in the men's room to report every small mistake you make to the people in power. As much as you would like to smack him with a stapler to make a point, you choose not to because business is business!

Insist on Respectful and Civil Communication -- If you and your ex had to deal with each other about a business matter, you would need to find ways to communicate clearly and get your critical points across in a well-defined and civil manner, avoiding emotional confrontations. By thinking about what potential hot-spots you may encounter and deciding ahead of time what specific actions you will immediately take when your ex tramples over your boundaries, you'll find it easier to focus on your child and less on worrying that an argument will erupt.

Remember that your Personal Life Belongs to You -- Now that the ties of marriage have been broken, it's up to you to claim and insist on the right to your privacy. Remember that you no longer need to explain things to your ex, defend your decisions or try to change his mind -- those days are over! Consistently enforce the rules of engagement that all communication with your ex needs to be related to your children's specific needs or necessary financial transactions so that anything else your ex brings up is off-limits and merits an immediate time-out.

Cut Off the Oxygen Flow from Everyone Else's Opinions -- It's very common to share your anger and frustrations with relatives and friends during the nerve-fraying times of stress that come along with separation and divorce. However, once the divorce is over, many of these same people will continue to offer their advice and opinions about your ex's actions and behaviors. Although these may be tempting to listen to, opinions and advice from relatives and friends keeps adding more fuel to the firestorm of emotions you have previously experienced.

Resist the Urge to Find out More about your Ex's Current Life -- Encourage your relatives and children not to share any more details than you truly need to know. Less really is more, and you will be better off in the long run for it.

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Article source: huffingtonpost.com

Woman Sues Lawyers for Letting Her Divorce Hubby

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Solicitors should have respected her Catholic faith, she says

By Neal Colgrass, 

• STORY

             

So, divorce means the end of marriage? A British woman was apparently shocked to hear about this, the Independent reports. Jane Mulcahy even filed suit against her former lawyers for failing to explain the whole divorce thing. Mulcahy said they should have respected her Catholic faith and advised her to seek judicial separation, which is a notch down from full divorce. "The most striking of Mrs. Mulcahy's many allegations of negligence against her solicitors," noted the appeal judge, was that their advice failed to mesh with "her firmly held belief in the sanctity of marriage." 

In Mulcahy's view, the lawyers were responsible for "bringing about the final termination of her marriage, which she wished to avoid." Mulcahy's appeal in the case was struck down, but another unusual divorce case is still underway, the Daily Mail reports. A Kuwaiti woman said it all started when she saw her husband eat peas with bread instead of a fork. So she filed for divorce, saying she could no longer live with the man after witnessing the "shocking sight" of his poor etiquette.

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Article source: www.newser.com

In Defense of Love: Believing in Marriage in Divorce Culture

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Great article worth sharing 

By: Grace Carpenter, University of Virginia 

I went to New York City for a few pre-Christmas escapades last week and what I saw shocked me. Not because it was horrifyingly crowded with stiletto-clad fur coats stalking through the streets. Not because the entire city was mobbed with pushy window-shoppers who will literally shove you into a bus just to get to Macy's before the stalking stilettos behind them. Not because the electric bill for Times Square at Christmas could feed an entire third-world country for a month. No, I was shocked because I saw, for one of the first times, real love.

One day this semester, my professor asked us to describe what love is. After a few fairly vague answers, someone raised a hand and voiced an opinion that struck me: "Am I the only one here who thinks that love and marriage don't have anything to do with each other?"

I was floored, and then I realized that I'd been unknowingly nurturing the same opinion since the seventh grade.

I realized that the state of marriage in this country is looking more and more like the New York Yankees -- overly commercialized, drenched in scandal, mostly unsuccessful, and hated by everyone who's not obligated to pretend to like it. And I'm not talking about homosexual/heterosexual marriages separately. I'm talking about marriage as a whole, as an ideal that has been corrupted and contaminated until sometimes it resembles a floppy mockery devoid of meaning, as opposed to a noble tradition in which two people weld their lives because they love each other. In a world in which most marriages dissolve into a series of legal battles and emotionally wounded children, love and marriage really don't seem to have anything to do with one another.

But in the midst of New York City -- the city that never sleeps, the city of romance and riots, beauty and bars, carriages and clubs alike -- from among the throngs of street vendors and stilettos, I saw visible love.

It was in a tea shop on Seventh and 26th, where my companion and I were grabbing a drink just before our bus home. As we sat down, we looked over to our right to see an aged couple, the sight of which almost brought me to tears: the husband, who was in a wheelchair, was physically unable to properly eat his food so his wife, sitting close at his side, was alternately feeding him, and gently wiping his mouth, chin and fingers with a napkin as he ate. The sight itself was pleasant enough, but this was not what struck me. Even as she fed her aged ailing husband, she was smiling quietly the entire time.

I looked closer, and saw the tiny details I will never forget -- the way she looked at him, as adoringly as if he were a strong, young man; the way her hand never left his shoulder, patting his arm comfortingly and massaging his back; the way she dutifully steered his wheelchair clear of danger and smiled at the passerby who adjusted accordingly. She still loved him! Even in his age, infirmity and disability, she loved him and nursed him with a smile on her lips and her hand on his shoulder. It was one of the single most beautiful, most inspiring things I have ever seen.

After the couple departed, I started wondering: Why did they have such a powerful effect? After all, people should be used to seeing couples in love, right? We should be used to seeing married couples support one another, right?

But we're not. Somehow, we rarely see even aging couples who look happy with each other. Instead, we hear heartbreaking divorce stories from our closest friends, and watch divorce reality television, and hear more about wedding costs than success rates. Somehow, the state of marriage has devolved from a loving institution to a series of rhinestone-smothered weddings and a collections tin benefiting whom? No one except law firms and, I guess, dating sites for divorcees. And we're supposed to believe that love and marriage are at all related?

I remember recently asking the question, "Is it possible to be happy and married?"

I suppose I'd heard too many ugly complaints about nagging wives and neglectful husbands. And sometimes, I still wonder if those complaints really do characterize marriage as it currently exists. But sometimes, we find a gem to counter-balance the publicized horror stories. Sometimes, we find something in defense of love -- the sort of love that lasts a lifetime, that makes a woman smile as she nurses her struggling husband -- and we can remember that even though hook-up culture is enticing, it's not everything.

Though the childhood fairytales might have been beaten out of us, and we are no longer naive enough to believe in perfect relationships, we can still hope for a love that will take care of us when we can no longer take care of ourselves. Because it does exist -- you just have to know what it looks like, and be able to see it when it does.

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Article resource: huffingtonpost.com

How to Succeed At Divorce (Yes, It's Possible!)

There is no question that going through a divorce is rough. Like Alice down the rabbit hole, up is down, right is left, and you don't know how long the drop is, let alone how you will survive the landing... but you do. The people who succeed most at divorce are those that are resilient in the face of change and embrace the opportunity to transform their lives. Personal growth can only be achieved through challenge, and divorce is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter.

Initially, success feels like a far-fetched goal for most people going through a divorce. Sheer survival seems more realistic. Faced with the loss of your most important relationship, you are vulnerable and alone in analyzing what went wrong and grieving for the loss of what you thought you had. You question everything. How did I get here? What will happen to me? What will my life look like moving forward? To make things worse, you have to struggle with the endless, uncontrollable legal process that provides little, if any, emotional support. And the enormous scale of change that comes with divorce is overwhelming and opens the doors to your worst fears and insecurities.

Those voices are your inner critics who create fear, uncertainty, rage, resentment, jealousy, and panic. They fuel the fire of your most negative emotions to keep you in a place of reaction and doubt. They rob you of your strength and self-esteem. They keep you stuck in a story about your past. They distract you from focusing on yourself by keeping you absorbed in the anger, fear and pain from your ex. They create such a fearful vision of the future that some people choose not to move forward at all, rather than face their fear of the unknown. These inner critics will not serve you. Ultimately, they will sabotage you at every turn in the divorce process, if you let them. So, how do you succeed at divorce?

1. Silence Your Saboteurs
Acknowledge them. Notice what they say most often. Notice how they make you feel. You know these are saboteur voices when they only instill fear and doubt. You know these are saboteur voices when the only future they paint for you is terrifying and bleak. What do they know? You might actually win the lottery someday. They don't know you and what you've accomplished in your life. So, why are you listening? Once you know your saboteurs, you don't have to react mindlessly to everything they say. You have a choice. Once you recognize your saboteurs, you can see how silly and ridiculous they really are.

2. Identify What You Want
You can't get what you want until you know what it is. And in a divorce, not knowing what you want leaves you in a completely disempowered position. While the legal process is pretty much out of your control, you can maximize the probability of getting what you want if you have clarity and purpose. A clear vision of what is most important to you, now and in the future, will guide you in your decision-making. It will help you negotiate for a better result. It will put your best interests front and center, while you leave your disempowering past behind. It will make your saboteurs weak. It will help you move forward to transform your life into what you want it to be.

3. Honor Your Values
Separation and divorce can leave you untethered and rudderless as you adjust to being alone. Your individual identity was so subsumed by who you were as a married couple that it takes some self-exploration to identify who you are now and who you want to be in the future. It is important, early in this process, to identify your core values: integrity, family, achievement, and contribution, since it is these values that drive how you think and act. It is also important to recognize that your core values are unique to you. Often we make big assumptions that others share our values, when in fact they don't. They are living life by a whole different rule book. Knowing your core values is essential since it gives you insight into yourself and what is most important to you.

And it is important to know that when your core values aren't being honored, by you or someone else, you will feel miserable. You can't control your ex's actions. You can't control the legal process. You can't control the repercussions of divorce on your life. But you can control yourself. By honoring your core values every day, and throughout this process, you will have assurance that you are making the decisions that are right for you. You will have confidence knowing that you are always true to yourself in your behavior and actions. You will know that you did your best. You will have conviction that your situation doesn't define you. And you will have faith and hope that your life will be better than it ever was before.

Divorce challenges you to have the courage to step forward, to face your fears and move forward anyway. You have one life on this earth and it is your responsibility to live it as best you can. No excuses. And this is your opportunity to take the reins and create a new life for yourself -- one that is far more empowering and fulfilling than the one you are leaving behind.

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Four Things You Should Never Say After Divorce

Check out this great article from The Huffington Post about four things you should never say to yourself after a divorce!

______________________

Most days, our inner critics tend to fill our heads with all the ways in which we are failing and falling short. Add the ending of a relationship, and it's like your inner critic just got carte blanche access to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord full of misery inducing opinions about you, your life and your former relationship.

If you don't catch this nasty voice in time, it can keep you reeling for days -- filling your head with stories that may feel true, but really are just a figment of your mind. While you may not be in control of your former significant other, you are in control of the stories that you let run through your mind. Fill your mind with misery-creating stories -- the kind your inner critic loves to feed on -- and you will begin to feel more miserable. Or, trade in the self-sabotage for self-empowerment, and you'll feel peace instead of distress. And let's face it, during and after a divorce, you need all the peace you can get.

So do yourself the favor and banish the following misery-creating statements and stories from your mind. Promise never to say these things to yourself again. A good friend would never say these things to you, and right now, you need to be a best friend to yourself.

Never say:
1. "He loves her more than me."
2. "OMG, he has changed! Why couldn't he be different for me?"
3. "I am going to be alone for the rest of my life."
4. "The best part of my life is over."

Say instead:
1. "His life today has nothing to do with 'how much' he loved me." Love cannot be measured. There is no more or less when it comes to love -- love is love. Love comes in different forms, so if your former partner is in a new relationship, their love is different than yours, but would you want it to be the same? When you compare you always lose. Comparison is a toxic habit. Don't take it up. Focus on yourself and what you are creating for your life today.

2. "We weren't the right fit anymore, and that's okay." Sure he may have changed some since you ended it -- let's hope going through something as major as a divorce woke him up a little. But here's what you need to remember: At the core, he still is who he was with you, and that wasn't what you really wanted or needed. If he was, the relationship would have been enough for you, and it wasn't. It's okay that you weren't the right fit anymore. Better to stop trying to put a round peg in a square hole and get on with finding the best relationship for the great life you want to create for yourself. This is your life, and you are the only one who can make sure it's great.

3. "I am never really alone. There's lots of love in the world if I open my heart to receive it." There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that is void of affection, intimacy and deep connection. If that describes your past relationship, you've already experienced loneliness at a level that you never have to again. Understand that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself and you'll never feel lonely again. If you aren't having a loving, awesome relationship with yourself, now is a great time to start. Not to mention there are all kinds of healthy sources of love in the world just waiting for you -- pets, children, friends, flowers, kind strangers, dancing and spiritual centers, to name a few.

4. "One chapter of my life is complete and I have the power to write the next chapter however I want." You have the power to control your own life, and no man can tell you how to live it. This is exciting, but you must be willing to step into your own self-empowerment. Sure, grieve the end of a chapter. Then get on to writing the next one. Spend the afternoon at a café or in your home or out in nature writing about what this next storyline will entail. Dream big.


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*Article source: Huffington Post

Divorce Lowers Risk of Suicide for Women in India and China

I found this article interesting and thought I would share.

Suicide rates in India are lower among divorced and widowed women and higher among those with more education, according to a new study that has found parallels to trends in China.

Suicide takes nearly as many young women’s lives in India as complications from pregnancy and childbirth, according to a study led by Vikram Patel at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and published today in the Lancet journal. The study used data collected by the Registrar General of India for deaths between 2001 and 2003 and extrapolated those findings to estimate suicide figures for 2010.

The World Health Organization estimates there are almost 900,000 suicides worldwide every year, with India and China accounting for 49 percent in 2004, the latest available figure. Lower risk for divorced women has also been reported in China and may reflect changing perceptions of what is “an acceptable way of life” as women become more educated, Patel said.

As in China, suicide is more prevalent among young women than young men, a trend that is reversed in developed countries.

“What’s interesting is how similar these findings are between China and India and how different these two Asian countries are from the developed world,” Patel said in an interview. In India, suicide trends may reflect “the clash between education and the traditional value system.”

India Data

Past studies have pointed to social difficulties, marital conflict, domestic violence and depression as the leading causes of suicide among women in India, Patel said.

For the overall population, the Registrar General found that about 3 percent of surveyed deaths in people ages 15 and older were attributed to suicide. That translates to about 187,000 suicide deaths in India in 2010. Suicide is the second- leading cause of death of young people in India, the authors said in the paper.

The Registrar’s survey is the first to systematically obtain information on the causes of deaths in India, Patel said. As suicide is a crime in India, the only other available data from the National Crime Records Bureau probably reflects underreporting.

In China, studies showed that mental illness didn’t afflict about a third of people who committed suicide and two-thirds of people who attempted suicide, which contrasts with findings in high-income countries where suicidal behavior is almost always associated with mental illness, Michael Phillips of Emory University and Hui Cheng of Shanghai Mental Health Centre wrote in a commentary accompanying the Lancet publication. Low socioeconomic status and divorce are also risk factors for suicide in developed countries, they said.

National Differences

“These cross-national and cross-regional differences have major implications for prevention,” Phillips and Cheng said.

In India, poisoning, mostly from pesticides used in agriculture, was the leading method of suicide in both men and women, Patel said. Restricting access to these pesticides and improving the availability of mental health services are possible approaches for prevention, he said.

The study was funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health, the University of Toronto and the Wellcome Trust.

Suicide rates for young men between aged 19 to 30 are falling in England, Australia, China and the U.S., according to a review of past studies led by Alexandra Pitman at University College London, also published in the Lancet today. These national trends mask shifting suicide rates by geographic region, socio-economic status and ethnic origin, they said.

Rural Deaths

In England and Australia, suicide rates are rising among young men in rural areas and falling in urban areas. Among ethnic groups, those with the highest suicide rates are white men in South Africa, first-generation Eastern European and Caribbean immigrants to England and Wales, and indigenous populations of Norway, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the U.S.

Factors that may affect rates of suicide in young men include unemployment, social deprivation, and media reports of suicide, Pitman said in the paper.

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Article source: www.bloomberg.com

3 Top Tips To Get Your Marriage Back On Track

An interesting article with 3 tips for how to get your marriage back on track.







All marriages go through their ups and downs. Unfortunately, when the rough periods outweigh the happy times the marriage can quickly become unbearable.  As a result you might end up feeling stuck in your marriage but are paralyzed by fear and anxiety over what to do.  But doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.  You need to take positive action to remedy the problems and get your marriage back on track

In this article I will be discussing 3 key elements which will help you to get your marriage back on the straight and narrow.

1. Improve communication in your marriage.

You need to identify your marriage issues and pinpoint the areas of conflicts.   If it helps, write them all down on a piece of paper first and then go through them with your spouse.  You both need to have a frank and honest discussion about what upsets you in the marriage.

This should be a positive discussion, so don’t start throwing accusations at each other.  Talking with anger and resentment will sabotage your efforts and stifle your progress.  Start splitting the issues into small pieces and tackle them one at a time. No subject should be out of bounds: sensitive topics like money, sex, housework, or disciplining the kids are often at the forefront of many couple’s marital problems.

Once you have pinpointed the problems, you need to set the ground rules and create an active plan of action on how you are going to reduce the conflict in your marriage, manage your problems and set the tone for a much more peaceful life together.

2) Kill the tension

Stop holding grudges.  Once you’ve tackled the problem areas and decided on a plan of action you need to take the gloves off and start working on making the marriage better.   This often means letting go of your negative feelings and learning how to be more positive towards your partner.

Constant tension in a marriage creates an unhealthy atmosphere full of hostility, resentment and bitterness which tears a couple apart.  It might mean that you both need to forgive each other for things done in the past, but removing the tension will dramatically improve your marriage and will give you a much better chance to be happy again.

3) Make time for your couple
Sometimes, with a hectic schedule of work and childcare, the couple’s basic needs can become too easily forgotten.  If you are both busy with your careers during the week and then try to cram everything else at week-ends, it leaves you no time to nurture your relationship with your spouse.
In a healthy relationship, couples take time to show affection to each other and express their love for one another.

To help you grow together as a couple, you should try and make a date night at least once a week.   This is a time to enjoy each other’s company, reconnect with your partner and satisfy your needs for sexual intimacy.

Conclusion: Marriage is about giving and taking.  To get your marriage back on track requires efforts and commitments from both spouses.  You need to take care of your couple and make time to nurture your relationship with your spouse.

Ultimately to move into a new happier future together you need to make your marriage your top priority.

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Source: howtosavemarriagenow.com

Book Giveaway

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Wealthy Couples Drawn to New Divorce Arbitration

An increasing number of wealthy couples are turning to new arbitration schemes to settle divorces rather than squabbling in public through the courts.

It is claimed that arbitration – frequently used in commercial and civil disputes – is being increasingly used to handle financial disputes arising from divorce.

Lawyers say the scheme is likely to attract “super-rich” couples bickering over “big money” divorce settlements who want negotiations carried out discreetly.

It is also understood the be a popular avenue in disputes about ownership of property between cohabiting couples and civil partners and so-called “schedule one claims” – maintenance orders relating to a child born to parents who have never married.

Some 40 lawyers have already trained to be arbitrators for the service launched by the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators, and there is a waiting list of lawyers wanting the training.

Marilyn Stowe, senior partner at Stowe Family Law, told the Financial Times that she thought the scheme would be attractive to two groups of people.

“Those who are in big money cases who can circumvent the waiting period in the courts and also are prepared to pay the fees of the arbitrator to have the benefit of privacy.”
She added the second group could include litigants who might want an arbitrator to decide the case or a specific point.

“Arbitration is tailored to the couple and we do not have to go through the entire process which we do in court. If you do not need a hearing, the arbitrator can decide something on paper. It’s more informal and quicker,“ she said.

James Pirrie of Family Law in Partnership, a team of specialist family lawyers, said he envisaged a big take-up for arbitration cases.

He said: “Court queues are growing – meaning longer delays and more costs for those going to court. That increases the pressures on judges, who have bigger caseloads to manage and less time for each case and there are inevitable stories of bad outcomes.”

“That means that appeals are likely, leading to an even longer process and a greater likelihood of loss of privacy as the media become involved.”

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*article from The Telegraph

Explaining Divorce to Children

You have made the tough decision to end your marriage. Now you face the challenging task of explaining this decision to your children. What do you say? How do you begin? When should you tell them? These are all valid questions and they deserve careful consideration.

How you proceed will likely be influenced by your child's age. The care you take to explain divorce will ultimately help to ease the stress of divorce that many children face.

Explaining divorce to children at any age is difficult. However, younger children almost always react with feelings of confusion and fright as they face the loss of familiarity, predictability, and ultimately their sense of safety and security. Addressing these insecurities appropriately involves these critical steps:

• Do not keep the situation a secret or spring your divorce on your children at the last minute;
• Parents should break the news together so that children hear the same thing from both parents;
• Explain the basic logistics of their new situation (where they will sleep, who picks them up from school, when the changes will take place, etc.);
• Assure them that you both will make sure everything is fine for them;
• Keep your explanations simple and age appropriate;
• Reassure your children that they are not to blame; and
• Be sure to tell them that you both still love them unconditionally.

Your children will need your support more than ever as they deal with the breakup. It is an emotional process that will not be easy for anyone. Let them know that being upset or sad is expected, and that those feelings are okay.

Maintaining your role as a strong, supportive parent may be challenging during this period. Avoid the temptation to vent to your children about your ex-spouse or to lean on them for your own emotional support. Burdening children with these adult realities is unfair and likely to damage their long-term well being.

As parents, you need to use every resource at your disposal to minimize the negative impact divorce can have on your children. Looking to friends and family for support and seeking counseling for yourself and your children are great ways to help deal with the emotional situation.  Don't be afraid to join a support group, talking with others going through similar circumstances can be very helpful and reassuring.

To handle the legal aspects of your divorce, the guidance of a trusted family law attorney or mediator is critical. Putting in place the proper legal resources will help you best prepare for the divorce process, which in turn allows you more time to focus on being attentive to your family's needs during this difficult time.

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*article from sacbee.com