Love After Divorce

When I walked in, I saw the back of his head: beautiful, blonde hair. Next I noticed his bag, saving the seat next to him, my seat. For a moment I realized that I could have turned around and walked out. I wanted to, but I didn't want to. So I smoothed my hair down with my hands, adjusted my top and made my way towards him. When he turned and looked at me, I felt immense relief. He looked like his picture, and all of the sudden, the man I had been exchanging texts with for weeks was utterly, entirely and very much real.

He didn't know I was divorced. But he did know that I loved to read an entire book in one evening. He didn't know that I had a son. But he did know that one of my most meaningful experiences was helping a student find herself through poetry. He didn't know that I was living alone for the first time in my life. But he knew that I often felt out of place on the East Coast and that I was still defining home.

The last time I dated I was 19. Let's be honest, I never really dated. I had a serious boyfriend in high school and I met my ex-husband my freshmen year of college in an English class. No one was meeting online. When my friends started online dating I was married and pregnant. Their stories weren't romantic, but horrifying. After my divorce I was hesitant to start dating, especially online. The idea of creating and looking at profiles felt like a twisted combination of voyeurism and online shopping. My mother and my friends encouraged me. You are only 31, they said. You have so much to offer. I remember looking at my mother and saying, "who is going to want to date a divorced woman in her early thirties with a child when there are plenty of beautiful, successful and baggage free women ready and available?
Her response, "if only you could see what I see."

Lesson 1: Listen to your mother.
So when I went online and started talking to the man who is now my boyfriend, I told him what book I was reading and he picked up a copy and read it so we could talk about it on our first date, and I knew that this man was worth not walking out on. Usually aggressive, talkative and confident, I had to cast away my fear of rejection and I made a quick decision: I was going to do it differently with him. I decided that I was going to show him who I was, for better or for worse. I wanted to be in a relationship where I could be me. I had no idea what to expect or what I was doing. All I knew was that my story needed more than a first chapter; I still believed in love, even though my divorce made me question everything I knew about it and shook me to the core.

I hadn't heard his voice. I hadn't seen his face. We hadn't met, but I had feelings for him. Lingering by the door, trying to calm my joy juxtaposed with terror, I remembered what my therapist told me. Love will happen again if you are open to it. Divorce isn't the end. Divorce is the beginning.

Lesson 2: Listen to your therapist.
Those few steps I took towards him are some of the most important steps I've ever taken. We started talking and the talking came easy. Then, he mentioned he had a nephew and I blurted out,
"I have a son and I am divorced,"
He paused, smiled and said, "me too."
First dates are supposed to be awkward and full of painful long silences and conversations that fall flat. This first date wasn't. He had the same circumstances, the same fears, the same baggage that I did.

Lesson 3: You are not the only divorced parent dating.
When people ask how we met, I used to be embarrassed to say online, but now I am coming to realize that if it weren't for online dating, I never would have crossed paths with him. In some weird, cosmic, modern day way, we found our way to each other at exactly the right time in exactly the right place. He has shown me what true love and partnership can be and there is nothing more romantic than that.
My experience has made me want to encourage divorced women (when you're ready) to be open to online dating. Even if you worry that you're damaged goods, smooth down your hair, adjust your top, sit down and stay a while.

Lesson 4: Easier said than done.
There is often an identity crisis that occurs after a divorce. You have made a life with someone. Everything is intertwined from your finances to your belongings to your friends. It is even more tangled when you have children together. You stay parents even after you split. The untangling is a slow process and during it you have to become willing to discover who you are on your own. Suddenly you realize that you have no idea how to change a tire and that the problems you blamed on your ex really weren't his fault because they are still there waiting for you to fix them. The routine you became so accustomed to, even if it made you utterly, entirely and very much miserable is gone. Despite this chaos, you still have to go to work, raise your children, pay the bills and deal with the broken washing machine. Sometimes you also have to go to court and deal with lawyers. Life doesn't stop just because your marriage did.

Once the papers are signed and the parenting plan is in place, it feels a little bit like being on a plane that is circulating. The pilot says he can't land yet and so you are in a holding pattern. You know the plane will land at some point, but you don't know when. So you stay in your seat and wait.

When I started online dating, I had to get off the plane. My boyfriend wasn't my first online dating experience. I had a few rough dates and a rebound relationship that could be described as nothing short of a disaster--trying to fit a square peg into a round hole: I was settling and I wasn't ready.
So what was different this time? On our third date, we mapped out our parenting plans to make sure we had a date night every week. Romantic? Maybe not, but for us it was. It was another moment of connection and shared circumstances. I have been shocked by how easy our relationship is, despite our divorces. Was it terrifying to be myself and to let myself be vulnerable? Yes. Was it hard to figure out how to navigate co-parenting and our ex's? Yes. Was it hard to feel myself coming back to life and being me for the first time in years? No.

If you asked my boyfriend what makes for a good relationship, he would say a strong foundation. Our foundation was built from weeks of texting and grew from there. There is immense patience, acceptance and understanding in our relationship, but most importantly, there is laughter, shared interests and a profound appreciation for the other. If you asked me what makes for a good relationship, I would say open communication, even through texts. I am grateful for the technology that brought us together. If it weren't for that, I may not believe in love after divorce.

Divorce could hurt your retirement

By Daily Mail

 

INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPERS A divorce can negatively impact on your retirement income by as much as 13 percent.

London – The cost of divorce can wreck retirement many years after the break-up of a marriage, according to research.

People who have never been divorced can expect a retirement income 13 percent higher than a colleague who has been through a divorce.

It means an extra £2,100 a year – £17,800 rather than £15,700 – to anyone who has kept their marriage intact, or who has never married, according to the survey for the Prudential.

Apart from the costs of supporting a former partner who is bringing up their children, a divorced man or woman faces giving up a share of their pension when they retire through ‘pension-splitting’ arrangements.

Answering Your Kids' Hardest Divorce Questions

By: Jackie Pilossoph | For Sun-Times Media | @divorcedgirljp

There is nothing more gut-wrenchingly sad than when your child, wide-eyed and hopeful, asks you this question: “Are you and dad ever going to get back together?”

These and other divorce questions from kids can feel like a punch in the stomach, causing anxiety, guilt and sorrow. There are no magical answers to your kids’ questions because a divorce is undoubtedly very difficult for any child. But the silver lining is, if you put some thought into how you answer these difficult questions, if you have an unselfish attitude by filtering your answers, and if you end every answer with “We both love you,” it makes the sting a lot more manageable.

Here are six common questions kids ask after a divorce, and suggestions on how to answer them.
1. Why did you and mom/dad get divorced?
Because your dad was cheating on me. Because your mom drinks too much. Because dad and I can’t stand each other and we don’t want to live together anymore. This is what you are probably feeling and what you’d like to scream at the top of your lungs. The fact is, you can’t. A better way to answer this very difficult question is by saying something like this: “Your dad/mom and I once loved each other very much, but people change and people grow apart. Neither of us wanted that to happen, but it did. We tried very hard to work things out, but in the end, we both felt it was better. What hasn’t changed is that your dad and I still love you, and both of us will always be here for you.”

2. Do you still love mommy/daddy?
You might and you might not. If you do still love your ex, you might want to say, “There is a part of me that will always love your mom/dad. We share so much history, and most importantly, we share you. I will always love him/her for giving me you.” If you don’t feel like you can honestly say something like that, you could answer, “I don’t love your mom/dad in the same way I used to. I respect him/her and I think he/she is a good mother/father. But now we are just going to be partners in parenting and hopefully good friends, some day.”

3. Why do we have to be the only kids who have two houses?
Kids often feel like they don’t know any other kids whose parents are divorced, which we all know isn’t the case. The best answer makes it clear that they aren’t alone, and that there are lots of other kids in their same situation. Make sure to tell them, “We are still a family. We might not be the traditional family, but we have love and warmth and security in our home, and you have those same things in your mom’s/dad’s home. You aren’t ‘different.’”

4. Will you and mom/dad ever get remarried?
Be firm on this one. No need to give a child false hope. “No. Your mom/dad and I will never be remarried. But we both love you very, very much and we will both always be here for you.”

5. Why does mom/dad hate you?
Because he/she is a bitter, unhappy person who can’t let go of the past! Sound like something you want to say? Don’t! Instead, go with, “Mom/dad is very angry right now, mostly at the situation, not at me. Give him/her some time and hopefully he/she will act a little friendlier towards me. The most important thing for you to focus on is that mom/dad loves you.

6. Did you love mommy/daddy when you had me?
This is perhaps one of the most important pieces of information you can share with your child. I think it’s wonderful to tell your children stories of how you felt when you first met their mom/dad, how and why you fell in love, funny stories that happened when the two of you were dating, how he proposed, and my favorite, the story of your child’s birth. Kids love this so much, and it helps build self-esteem and self worth. The knowledge that you and your child’s mom/dad loved each other at one time is the biggest gift you can give them.

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Article source: suntimes.com 

How to Deal With Your Ex at Your Children's Special Events

Hi Everyone!  Thank you for reading my blog!  Did you know that I'm the author of not just one, but thirteen books?  For more information, please visit www.charlesirion.com, www.irionbooks.com and/or www.summitmurdermystery.com

Does the very thought of seeing your ex at your child's special events make you so angry you'd rather make an appearance at traffic court?

Birthdays, sporting events, school conferences, getting your child situated in their college dorm, weddings...regardless of how long you have been separated or divorced, each of these special events can cause you to experience wide swings of emotions that can feel overpowering. Feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration and resentment can eat away at you emotionally before, during and after the special event takes place.

I remember when my oldest daughter graduated from college. Since my ex had parenting time with our young son that weekend, he drove with our son to the college several hours away and I drove with our other daughter. When my daughter and I arrived at the older daughter's college residence, I was surprised to discover that my former brother-in-law who I had once been very close to had shown up from another state and was sitting on the front porch with my ex. Since he had quit speaking to me early on during the divorce, the pain and anger I felt came to the surface.

Biting the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in check, I spent the time before the graduation ceremony in another part of the house and then ended up sitting at the graduation with my daughter's roommate's mom and her relatives -- on the opposite side from where my ex, son, other daughter and former brother-in-law were all sitting together.

How can you deal with your ex at your child's next special event?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Think of your Ex as a Very Difficult Business Associate -- You know, the one who steals the limelight for your hard work, waits till the very last minute to tell you something important and who forms secret alliances in the men's room to report every small mistake you make to the people in power. As much as you would like to smack him with a stapler to make a point, you choose not to because business is business!

Insist on Respectful and Civil Communication -- If you and your ex had to deal with each other about a business matter, you would need to find ways to communicate clearly and get your critical points across in a well-defined and civil manner, avoiding emotional confrontations. By thinking about what potential hot-spots you may encounter and deciding ahead of time what specific actions you will immediately take when your ex tramples over your boundaries, you'll find it easier to focus on your child and less on worrying that an argument will erupt.

Remember that your Personal Life Belongs to You -- Now that the ties of marriage have been broken, it's up to you to claim and insist on the right to your privacy. Remember that you no longer need to explain things to your ex, defend your decisions or try to change his mind -- those days are over! Consistently enforce the rules of engagement that all communication with your ex needs to be related to your children's specific needs or necessary financial transactions so that anything else your ex brings up is off-limits and merits an immediate time-out.

Cut Off the Oxygen Flow from Everyone Else's Opinions -- It's very common to share your anger and frustrations with relatives and friends during the nerve-fraying times of stress that come along with separation and divorce. However, once the divorce is over, many of these same people will continue to offer their advice and opinions about your ex's actions and behaviors. Although these may be tempting to listen to, opinions and advice from relatives and friends keeps adding more fuel to the firestorm of emotions you have previously experienced.

Resist the Urge to Find out More about your Ex's Current Life -- Encourage your relatives and children not to share any more details than you truly need to know. Less really is more, and you will be better off in the long run for it.

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Article source: huffingtonpost.com

Divorced? You Can Survive and Thrive During the Holidays!

Hi Everyone!  Thank you for reading my blog!  Did you know that I'm the author of not just one, but thirteen books?  For more information, please visit www.charlesirion.com, www.irionbooks.com and/or www.summitmurdermystery.com

Speaking from personal experience, I don't think this accurately describes the dissolution of a marriage. While the marriage itself may officially dissolve when a divorce is final, the ripple effect from the wreckage of the relationship continues to make waves for years to come. Especially, around the holidays. Especially, when there are children involved.

When we first sail out into the sunset with our betrothed, we fantasize about what the future holds. Visions of our ideal life dance through our heads:

A home filled with children, their toys and their art,
Family dinners and trips that will stay in our hearts
And the holidays, filled with expectations so high
With menorahs or Santa, traditions money can't buy.

Then, somehow our love boat hits rough waters resulting in divorce, and the relationship sinks along with our sugar plum dreams. Our happily ever after story changes course into a new and undiscovered land, and we learn how to reinvent our lives, one step at a time, to what will become our new normal.

While the new normal may ultimately be better for everyone, we often only hear the bad, the worse, and the ugly when it comes to divorce stories. Tales of revenge and children being used as weapons to inflict harm against a former spouse put them in the middle of the battle. Though they shouldn't be anywhere near the divorce arena, they all too frequently end up there, feeling pulled in both directions, torn by the fear of disappointing either parent. This can be especially true during the holiday season.

The best gift we can give our children is to provide them with a sense of love and stability throughout the year, and to keep in mind that during the holidays it can be a bit more challenging, not only for us as parents, but also for them.

Below are some comments, questions and answers relevant to handling the holidays as divorced parents (all based on the assumption that a child's safety is not at risk):

Q: I'm in the process of a divorce and with the holidays approaching I'm not sure what to do. How do we divide up these special family days?
A: 1. Make sure that every decision is with the intention of doing what is best for your children. No matter how upset you are at your ex, your children's sense of security must come first.
2. Put your differences aside and communicate with your ex. Be (literally) on the same page as your ex.
3. Have a schedule in writing. Make sure it's very specific as to whom the children will be with and when.
4. Tips for making a schedule:
a) Be Specific. State exactly the day and time children are to be picked up and returned, and by whom.
b) Alternate Holidays. Some families alternate years, and some alternate within the same year.
c) Divide up the Holiday. Thanksgiving lunch with dad, and dinner with mom. Or, make a turkey the week before. Who says you can only have turkey on that Thursday?! Christmas and Christmas Eve can be split, and Chanukah has 8 days. On the positive side, the kids get to celebrate more!
d) Share Holidays. Some parents are able to be together in the same room to cut the turkey, sing carols, or light the candles. But, it also may confuse or sadden the children so talking with the children and consulting a professional could be helpful.

Q: My parents divorced after I left for college. I looked forward to celebrating Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, and then my dad said he wanted us to come celebrate with him. We compromised by sharing the day but I think he felt disappointed that we didn't change our tradition.
A: We tend to forget that even older children need to keep some old traditions. Pick a different holiday to spend with Dad. There are great opportunities hiding in what we think of as problems.

Q: Does keeping traditions make it harder on the kids? It's not the same as it was, and trying to reenact the ritual is just a big reminder that things have changed.
A: It's important to balance old traditions that provide familiarity and comfort to all, while creating new ones to assist the family in moving forward. This makes it easier to transition into the new situation.

Q: I'm going to be without my kids for the first time over the holidays. I'm already dreading it!
A: When we dread something, it will likely be dreadful. Change how you look at it. Challenge yourself to see this as an opportunity for you to have some rest and relaxation.
Second, giving is the spirit of the holidays. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or bringing gifts to children who are stuck in the hospital over the holidays. This is also a quick way to feel grateful for what you have.

Q: This is my first Christmas as a divorced dad. My kids are coming to my place for dinner and I have no idea what to do. I'm afraid I'll disappoint my kids. What should I do?
A: Take a deep breath and remember your children love you unconditionally, and you have options!
1. If you're too afraid to cook, tell them you want to give them a special treat by going out for dinner.
2. If you're willing to take a stab at that ham or turkey, the Internet is your friend, providing a plethora of recipes.
3. Make it a family project. Get the kids involved and cook together in the kitchen. Make it fun and create new memories!

While I like to always focus on the positive, here are a few do's and don'ts that are helpful for the holidays, and all year round:
Don't make kids feel they have to choose sides.
Don't tell them how awful their other parent is.
Don't try to buy their love.
Don't use them as pawns on your chessboard of divorce.
Don't make them feel responsible for your happiness.

Do teach them that attitude is everything.
Do teach them they have a choice in how they respond to situations.
Do show them that they're loved unconditionally.
Do create a loving, secure environment.
Do show them it's possible to stand up for yourself and still compromise.

Holiday time carries with it certain expectations. Some of these we put on ourselves, and others are imposed upon us by society. Try to focus on what is best for you and your family and tune out the rest of the noise. Let it be a time to be grateful for what we have. When we focus on all that is good in our lives it helps to brighten the dark shadows cast by the difficulties we face. Children will follow your lead, so always take the high road. Onward and upward! Happy Holidays!

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Article source:  Huffington Post