How Our Schools Can Better Serve Children of Divorce

What did you do over your summer vacation?

As the new school year gets underway across the country, it's time once again for students to take out paper and pencil and explain to their teachers all that's happened in their lives since the end of June. For many kids, this is an assignment filled with stories about Fourth of July cookouts, family vacations, and having fun with friends.

But what about children whose parents decided to separate or divorce sometime over the past two and half months? For these children, summer vacation was probably spent feeling worry, anxiety and even anger as they dealt with some pretty heavy topics... Is my parents' divorce my fault? Where am I going to live? Does my mom or dad (whoever moved out) still love me? Why do I have to move? Why can't I go to the same school?

With the hustle and bustle that comes with the beginning of the school year, I know that it can often go unnoticed that a new or current student is experiencing the transition of their parents' separation or divorce. Generally, school district student information forms do provide room for general custody information, but the information sought tends to be limited to providing a second address if parents do not reside together, or information pertaining to any situation in which a parent is not allowed to pick up or visit a child at school. I have never seen a school form that asks something as basic as, "Is this a new arrangement?"

No matter what grade they are in, children whose parents are recently divorced or separated need extra support, whether it's in the form of handing out an extra textbook because the child has two homes, providing a time to meet with the guidance counselor, or helping the student feel included in their new school. Are we doing all that we can? Here are some basic tips we and our school communities can take to keep them from falling through the cracks:

School Forms: In the thick pile of school paperwork required at the beginning of the school year, it would be beneficial to have a box that asks something along the lines of, "How long has the two-home arrangement been in place?" whenever separate parental addresses are given. This is so simple, but also gets right to the heart of the matter. For example, an answer of five years probably means something very different than five weeks in terms of what kind of support a child needs.

Guidance Counselor Assistance: As a divorce attorney, I am asked all the time by my clients for referrals to mental health counselors and family therapists who specialize in working with children of divorce. It would be beneficial for this kind of information to be available from other sources, such as a school guidance counselor. A list of local therapists that could be easily emailed to the parent would be ideal. Likewise, as the first layer of outside support that many children come in contact with, are the school guidance counselors trained and experienced in working with divorced families? As part of school district in-service trainings, this would be a worthy topic to explore.

The Role of Teachers: When it is learned that a child's parents separated or divorced over the summer, reaching out to the child's parents now can be a helpful way to start a more positive dialogue. On the part of the teacher, asking, "How can I help?" can open new doors for parents struggling to come up with effective co-parenting strategies concerning school. Even if it is just making sure both parents are invited to school events and receive school notices, or setting up an appointment for the parents to meet with the guidance counselor, these basic steps may do more than the teacher will ever realize to reduce stress and tension between parents.

Parents: Even if you live two towns over and have parenting time with your child over the weekends and not on school nights, consider yourself part of your child's school community. One of the easiest and most powerful ways to show your child that you are still a part of their life is to show that you care about their experience at school. In other words, attend back-to-school night, look over their school work or help out with homework when your child is in your care, and watch your child in their school sporting event. If possible, combining co-parenting and school obligations can be much more successful for children of divorce if it's a team effort. Open up about your recent divorce to other school parents; there can be a lot of useful tips that might come from others that have already gone through this. A recent Huffington Post article has added comments from divorced readers on tips for making the school season less stressful.

Are you taking these steps? And what about your child's school district? Have you told them about your divorce?

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Article source: suntimes.com 

How to Deal With Your Ex at Your Children's Special Events

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Does the very thought of seeing your ex at your child's special events make you so angry you'd rather make an appearance at traffic court?

Birthdays, sporting events, school conferences, getting your child situated in their college dorm, weddings...regardless of how long you have been separated or divorced, each of these special events can cause you to experience wide swings of emotions that can feel overpowering. Feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration and resentment can eat away at you emotionally before, during and after the special event takes place.

I remember when my oldest daughter graduated from college. Since my ex had parenting time with our young son that weekend, he drove with our son to the college several hours away and I drove with our other daughter. When my daughter and I arrived at the older daughter's college residence, I was surprised to discover that my former brother-in-law who I had once been very close to had shown up from another state and was sitting on the front porch with my ex. Since he had quit speaking to me early on during the divorce, the pain and anger I felt came to the surface.

Biting the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in check, I spent the time before the graduation ceremony in another part of the house and then ended up sitting at the graduation with my daughter's roommate's mom and her relatives -- on the opposite side from where my ex, son, other daughter and former brother-in-law were all sitting together.

How can you deal with your ex at your child's next special event?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Think of your Ex as a Very Difficult Business Associate -- You know, the one who steals the limelight for your hard work, waits till the very last minute to tell you something important and who forms secret alliances in the men's room to report every small mistake you make to the people in power. As much as you would like to smack him with a stapler to make a point, you choose not to because business is business!

Insist on Respectful and Civil Communication -- If you and your ex had to deal with each other about a business matter, you would need to find ways to communicate clearly and get your critical points across in a well-defined and civil manner, avoiding emotional confrontations. By thinking about what potential hot-spots you may encounter and deciding ahead of time what specific actions you will immediately take when your ex tramples over your boundaries, you'll find it easier to focus on your child and less on worrying that an argument will erupt.

Remember that your Personal Life Belongs to You -- Now that the ties of marriage have been broken, it's up to you to claim and insist on the right to your privacy. Remember that you no longer need to explain things to your ex, defend your decisions or try to change his mind -- those days are over! Consistently enforce the rules of engagement that all communication with your ex needs to be related to your children's specific needs or necessary financial transactions so that anything else your ex brings up is off-limits and merits an immediate time-out.

Cut Off the Oxygen Flow from Everyone Else's Opinions -- It's very common to share your anger and frustrations with relatives and friends during the nerve-fraying times of stress that come along with separation and divorce. However, once the divorce is over, many of these same people will continue to offer their advice and opinions about your ex's actions and behaviors. Although these may be tempting to listen to, opinions and advice from relatives and friends keeps adding more fuel to the firestorm of emotions you have previously experienced.

Resist the Urge to Find out More about your Ex's Current Life -- Encourage your relatives and children not to share any more details than you truly need to know. Less really is more, and you will be better off in the long run for it.

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Article source: huffingtonpost.com

Do's and Don'ts of Divorce with Kids

Divorce is a difficult time for every family, but especially the children.  It is important for parents to understand that your older children will be very uncertain about their future.  Against this backdrop, consider these points:

1. You still need to be a parent and address issues with your children. Let them know that you don't have all the answers and it is OK to say, "I don't know."

2. Don't make them choose sides. If you are having a bad moment, don't criticize your spouse to your children. They are not your friends, do not confide in them your fears and anger regarding your spouse.  They need you to be their concerned parent.  Make it very comfortable for your children to remain neutral.

3. Your children are not your spies. Asking questions like, "Does your father have a girlfriend yet?" and "Did your mother have a drink while you were there?" puts your children in the middle.

4. Your children are not a weapon. Asking questions like, "Do you love me or Daddy more?" or "If you loved your Daddy, you would want to spend this weekend with him" are cruel questions. 

5. Your children are not to be spoiled. Many divorcing parents overcompensate with material things to make up for the whole situation. Indulging your children's every whim is not the answer.

6. If your children throw a tantrum, let them. They might need to vent as much as you do. After the emotions of the moment have passed, they will be able to look at the situation realistically.

Sometimes the best advice you can receive, is from someone that is or has experienced divorce for themselves.  Take a look at advice from parents below.

• -Paul Everitt, Louisville, Colo.; parents divorced 30 years

 I have two boys, and in some respects I think the divorce actually made them stronger people. They had to deal with adversity early and had to learn to land on their feet. And, in a sense, that's not a bad thing. So, while I wouldn't say divorce is fine, I also wouldn't say that it's always a huge negative for kids. It's better than the parents staying together when they really are not suited for each other.

• -Anonymous, Boulder, Colo.; married four years, divorced seven years

When you're sending your kids to visit your ex, don't send them empty-handed, expecting that your ex will have the things they need. When you send the children on their visits, give them what they need. If your ex does not send the clothing or items back, explain that you send the children with what they need so the visits will be pleasant for everyone, and that the children need these things returned so they will feel good about both parents.

• -Dom Greco, Poland, Ohio; married five years, divorced 17 years

Dropping off and picking up your children can be really emotional, especially at the beginning of a separation. One way to make it less emotional is to pick up or drop off the kids at school, where you won't encounter your ex. Keep the dropping off and picking up of your kids upbeat. It is OK to tell them how happy you are to see them, or that you missed them. It is never OK to cry; suck it up. We are the reason our children are in this situation.

• -Alexis, Knoxville, Tenn.; married five years, divorced two years

Don't badmouth your ex to your children. Don't shoot arrows at each other because, I promise you, they go straight through your kids' hearts.

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*article from the bellingham herald