How to Succeed At Divorce (Yes, It's Possible!)

There is no question that going through a divorce is rough. Like Alice down the rabbit hole, up is down, right is left, and you don't know how long the drop is, let alone how you will survive the landing... but you do. The people who succeed most at divorce are those that are resilient in the face of change and embrace the opportunity to transform their lives. Personal growth can only be achieved through challenge, and divorce is one of the biggest challenges you will ever encounter.

Initially, success feels like a far-fetched goal for most people going through a divorce. Sheer survival seems more realistic. Faced with the loss of your most important relationship, you are vulnerable and alone in analyzing what went wrong and grieving for the loss of what you thought you had. You question everything. How did I get here? What will happen to me? What will my life look like moving forward? To make things worse, you have to struggle with the endless, uncontrollable legal process that provides little, if any, emotional support. And the enormous scale of change that comes with divorce is overwhelming and opens the doors to your worst fears and insecurities.

Those voices are your inner critics who create fear, uncertainty, rage, resentment, jealousy, and panic. They fuel the fire of your most negative emotions to keep you in a place of reaction and doubt. They rob you of your strength and self-esteem. They keep you stuck in a story about your past. They distract you from focusing on yourself by keeping you absorbed in the anger, fear and pain from your ex. They create such a fearful vision of the future that some people choose not to move forward at all, rather than face their fear of the unknown. These inner critics will not serve you. Ultimately, they will sabotage you at every turn in the divorce process, if you let them. So, how do you succeed at divorce?

1. Silence Your Saboteurs
Acknowledge them. Notice what they say most often. Notice how they make you feel. You know these are saboteur voices when they only instill fear and doubt. You know these are saboteur voices when the only future they paint for you is terrifying and bleak. What do they know? You might actually win the lottery someday. They don't know you and what you've accomplished in your life. So, why are you listening? Once you know your saboteurs, you don't have to react mindlessly to everything they say. You have a choice. Once you recognize your saboteurs, you can see how silly and ridiculous they really are.

2. Identify What You Want
You can't get what you want until you know what it is. And in a divorce, not knowing what you want leaves you in a completely disempowered position. While the legal process is pretty much out of your control, you can maximize the probability of getting what you want if you have clarity and purpose. A clear vision of what is most important to you, now and in the future, will guide you in your decision-making. It will help you negotiate for a better result. It will put your best interests front and center, while you leave your disempowering past behind. It will make your saboteurs weak. It will help you move forward to transform your life into what you want it to be.

3. Honor Your Values
Separation and divorce can leave you untethered and rudderless as you adjust to being alone. Your individual identity was so subsumed by who you were as a married couple that it takes some self-exploration to identify who you are now and who you want to be in the future. It is important, early in this process, to identify your core values: integrity, family, achievement, and contribution, since it is these values that drive how you think and act. It is also important to recognize that your core values are unique to you. Often we make big assumptions that others share our values, when in fact they don't. They are living life by a whole different rule book. Knowing your core values is essential since it gives you insight into yourself and what is most important to you.

And it is important to know that when your core values aren't being honored, by you or someone else, you will feel miserable. You can't control your ex's actions. You can't control the legal process. You can't control the repercussions of divorce on your life. But you can control yourself. By honoring your core values every day, and throughout this process, you will have assurance that you are making the decisions that are right for you. You will have confidence knowing that you are always true to yourself in your behavior and actions. You will know that you did your best. You will have conviction that your situation doesn't define you. And you will have faith and hope that your life will be better than it ever was before.

Divorce challenges you to have the courage to step forward, to face your fears and move forward anyway. You have one life on this earth and it is your responsibility to live it as best you can. No excuses. And this is your opportunity to take the reins and create a new life for yourself -- one that is far more empowering and fulfilling than the one you are leaving behind.

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7 Tips to Avoiding a Disastrous Divorce

Litigants, fueled by emotions, jealously or bad advice, can easily snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by making poor decisions during their divorces. All your planning, strategizing and preparation will be for naught if you make one of these predictable, but easily avoidable mistakes.

Since a litigated divorce is mentally overwhelming, you could unwittingly fall victim to these behaviors, which would ensure that you would only view your divorce with regrets. By simply being aware of what not to do, you can steer clear of these mistakes.

1. Hiring the wrong attorney.
Not every divorce and every issue within the divorce need be fully litigated. To the contrary, most cases are settled. Even in those cases that cannot be settled, it is rare that every issue has to be litigated.

Hiring the bullldog attorney -- the super aggressive lawyer who promises to leave no stone unturned so that you will "win" the case and punish your spouse -- is a recipe for disaster. The bulldog attorney will needlessly litigate everything.

The only person who will definitely benefit from this hire is the attorney. He will bill you aggressively and end up with the lion's share of the marital assets.

On the other hand, you do not want to retain the overly conciliatory attorney either. The right attorney is pragmatic -- flexible enough to make a deal, but firm enough to protect your interests.

2. Failing to understand the ramifications of your decisions.
You have retained counsel and perhaps a financial advisor or planner. Ask them questions. Explore options and alternative resolutions. Consider "what if" scenarios; if one aspect of a settlement is contingent on some other event, understand what happens if the contingent event does not occur.
If you do not fully understand every decision in your divorce, you will have to live with the consequences.

3. Settling for more than you can pay or less than you need.
Understand your actual income, expenses and your budget. You have to know if a settlement will afford you the ability to support yourself and your family when the divorce is over. You should not settle a case on unrealized or hopeful expectations.

If you are the paying spouse, you do not want to commit to pay more than you can afford. On the other hand, if you are the recipient spouse, realize if your demand your ex to make payments that are not affordable, it is more likely there will be a default in payments and then all you will get is more litigation.

4. Taking legal advice from your hair stylist.
Everyone, your friends, your family and even your hair stylist, has an opinion about your divorce. They all have an opinion about what you need, what you should ask for and what you should do to get it. They also may tell you what you are doing wrong and why their friends got more.
Don't listen to them. They will only make you doubt yourself.

Ask them where they went to law school and how long they have practiced family law. The ensuing silence will tell you the value of their advice. Put differently, your divorce attorney does not cut your hair; your hair stylist should not practice law.

5. Making decisions based on anger and spite.
Avoid making knee-jerk emotional decisions. The decisions you make will impact you and your family's economic future and welfare. Avoid making rash, irrational decisions. Take time and think your positions through after conferring with your attorney.

6. Fighting for your principles.
It really is great to be right. But being right costs money, particularly when you are fighting a divorce.

For most people, preserving assets and achieving a fair settlement is more important than being right. Pick your battles and only fight the ones that really make sense.

7. Insisting that the judge decide everything.
While you may need to vent your anger or your frustration to the judge in your case, you may not really want a trial. After trial, a judge will render judgment based only on the limited facts presented to him or her, and you will be bound by the judge's decision. You will have much more control over a negotiated settlement which can be nuanced to address some of your concerns. And, of course, the costs of a trial may be astronomical.

Guided by these simple principles, you can avoid becoming one of those terrible divorce stories.

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Article source: Huffington post

How One Child Was Affected by Parents Divorce

Children Of Divorce: How Kids Are Affected By Splits

We asked adult children of divorce to share how their parents’ splits affected their lives in the long run, for better or for worse. 

My parents' divorce would have screwed me up a lot less if they'd bothered telling me about it.
When they split up, I was in elementary school and I had no idea that there were any problems between them. As an adult, I can look back and see that I should've been able to put things together, like the fact that my mother's boyfriends magically showed up whenever Dad went on extended trips, and so forth.

But if my parents fought they hid it well -- with the sole exception of the fight they had the night they separated. (I found out as an adult that my dad had actually caught her in the sack with one of those aforementioned guys.)

That night, my father told me that we were “moving out of state” immediately and that Mom would join us "sometime." I wasn't sure why we had to be gone so fast, but I did my best to try to help with the packing. I was actually excited because I loved traveling and was looking forward to living in a new state.

I had no relationship with my mother following the move. A school year passed and I was left wondering when "sometime" would ever come. I really missed my mother. Every day, I hoped she'd come walking through the door. But I never saw her again -- no letters, no calls, nothing. All I had were memories of what I’d thought was a happy home life. The idea that my mother was in the process of relinquishing custody of me and never wanted to see me or my dad again was something I couldn't even fathom; it never even entered my mind. It can still, to this day, be difficult to understand.

Then, when I was eight, a friend of mine told me that her parents were getting divorced. I didn't really know what it meant at the time: I knew that "divorce" meant that people were somehow fighting or might have to go to court, but it was a vague concept to me. I had also been taught that divorced women were very immoral people, and I was sure that Mom wasn't one of those. My friend said that she had to choose one parent or the other. I mentioned that I was living with just one parent. She asked me if my folks were divorced and suddenly I got the creeps.

That same day, I went home and asked Dad if he and Mom had gotten a divorce. Instead of explaining anything about it, he just blew up and asked me if I were stupid. Of course, they had gotten a divorce! Was I some kind of idiot? Didn't I have any common sense? Why did I think Mom had been gone so long? What was I being sent to school for, if I were just going to come home so stupid? And so on.

I cried for what felt like a week.

As a teenager, I decided that adults couldn't be trusted to tell the whole story about anything, ever. I started wondering how much of the information I was getting at school, church and elsewhere was also a pack of lies. I became a bit of a teenage conspiracy theory nut, looking for things "they" didn't want you to know. "They" -- which to me, meant any given adult anywhere -- had a proven track record of being not only deceitful, but malicious about it when confronted.

When I was in college, I ended up putting my trust in a whole different set of liars: I joined a religious cult. This may make no sense on the surface, but you'd be surprised how much a kid whose trust has been completely eroded can believe in people who claim to have all the answers.

The people who worked with the youth in this particular cult ranged from former hippies to rigid discipline freaks, but I felt I could trust these people because they asserted that they knew more than my parents. Or so they said. They claimed to know why the world was so messed up, and how to fix it. I really wanted to put my trust in something again, and, if this screwed-up world could be repaired, I wanted to do my best to make that happen.

But after some time I became weary of the constant hate mongering, the racism, the treatment of women like cattle, and the just plain craziness of it all. Eventually, I got out.

I look back on this chain of events and see how a lot of trouble could have been avoided if my parents, my mom and dad, my dad and stepmom, would have just had the decency to tell me what was going on.

However, over the years, I've found that I can work around my own mistrust and cynicism. One thing that helped me move on in terms of why my mom and dad kept me in the dark about their divorce was when I realized how young my folks were at the time. They were just trying to muddle through as best as they could. I can't really come down too hard on scared kids for making crappy decisions.
If I had kids, I'm afraid that I might not improve all that much on my parents' performance, and that scares me to the point of not wanting to experiment with other people's lives. It just wouldn't be moral.



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Is Divorce Too Expensive?

Divorce Too Expensive For Poorest Americans, New Study Says

For one-percenters like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it's easy to get the world's fastest divorce. Their legal split only took two weeks. But for the poorest of Americans, divorce is still a luxury item.
Long-term separations are an alternative for poor couples who cannot afford to legally end their marriages, new research suggests. The research was presented at the American Sociological Association's annual meeting on Monday.

The longitudinal study looked at 7,272 people who were surveyed on a regular basis between 1979 and 2008. Most people in the study who separated from a spouse reported getting a divorce within three years of the break up.

But 15 percent of people who separated did not get a divorce within the first 10 years and researchers said there was an economic reason for it: They simply could not afford to get divorced, especially when there were children involved. The study found that the married-but-indefinitely-separated group generally had only a high school education, were black or Hispanic and had young children.
"Those with young children may find it difficult to support themselves and their children if they divorce," Zhenchao Qian, study co-author and professor of sociology at Ohio State University, said in a statement. "Divorce may not protect them because their spouse may be unwilling or unable to provide financial support."

In the past, separations were usually linked to strict divorce laws that required one spouse to prove the other did something wrong -- they could have cheated or abandoned their partner. But today, as laws around "no-fault" divorces have become more lenient, researchers from the study suggested long-term separations are mostly done to avoid the financial stress of going through a divorce.
There is no definitive cost to getting a divorce -- the cheapest ones can cost as little as several hundred dollars. Hiring a lawyer, who might charge anywhere between $200 and $400 per hour, to sort out child support payments can add up to thousands of dollars. But the financial costs and benefits of divorce extend beyond the lawyers and the paperwork. Married couples, especially those with children, get substantial benefits from filing joint tax returns or sharing health care coverage.
But estranged marriages may not be limited just to low-income couples as the study indicated. A 2010 article in The New York Times suggested a new trend toward long-term separations among older professional-class couples who appear less inclined to get a legal divorce -- though perhaps more by choice rather than by necessity.

Financial reasons such as shared real estate, retirement savings and health care coverage appeared to be the primary motivation for staying married by living apart.

"People split up and have these God-awful joint custody agreements, so you would think that they stay separated for the kids' sake, but I am not seeing that," couples therapist Toni Coleman told The New York Times. "It usually comes down to the money."

While there are some financial benefits to long-term separation, there are also risks in remaining legally married, such as being liable for a spouse's debt or having to share earnings (even windfalls like a lottery win) that are considered community property in some states.

But for couples who think that a separation only makes the heart grow fonder, the Ohio State study also revealed some disappointing news: 5 percent of couples who separated attempted to get back together -- but half of those ended up getting a divorce anyway.

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*article from Huffiington Post 

Getting Back into the Dating Game: Life After Divorce

Life after divorce can be overwhelming for the average divorcee. Some become serial daters for a few years followed by a committed, long-term relationship. Others jump out of the frying pan and into the flame by walking down the aisle right away. My piece of advice is plain and simple: get out there. As simple as it may seem, many men and women do not know where to start. Men and woman begin this process differently.

Women: You need to piece yourself back together! Anything you let fall apart when you were married, mend it. Love yourself again for who you are. Once you begin to love yourself again, men will follow suit. If you exude confidence, you can attract any type of man you want. The biggest turn on is confidence.

Men: Be a typical guy, jump into bed with all the girls you meet and get it out of your system. Falling into "lust" is not going to find you a wife. Once you've "sown your oats" then you should be ready for a committed relationship. Be aware there will be a band-aid and she will unfortunately be the one to get hurt. Soon after that, you will be ready to seriously start dating. Eventually, you will find her -- when the timing is right.

You may be asking yourself, so how exactly do you suggest I put myself out there? Putting yourself out there can be as easy as widening your interests or finally doing that one thing you have always wanted to do but never had the chance. Join a club or a new gym. If you do this, you're bound to meet people -- even if it's just friends. By making friends, you meet their friends and consequently you are continually widening your circle, which can eventually lead to finding "the one." If you are still a bit shell-shocked or shy, the best thing you can do is try online dating.

Online dating allows you to be the person you want to be. The screen allows you to say -- or type -- the things that you may be scared to say in person. It allows you to bring out the real you, without any insecurities holding you back. Online dating allows you to sit in the comfort of your home, in your pajamas, eating ice cream, while getting to know new people. Best of all, you're putting yourself out there.

Rip off the band-aid that is holding you back and take a leap of faith. Put yourself back together, exude confidence and try something new -- whether it's signing up for an online dating service or asking out that person you've been eyeing. Life is about timing; when it's right it will happen and you will find the right person.

 

 

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Article source: Huffington Post

Divorce Lowers Risk of Suicide for Women in India and China

I found this article interesting and thought I would share.

Suicide rates in India are lower among divorced and widowed women and higher among those with more education, according to a new study that has found parallels to trends in China.

Suicide takes nearly as many young women’s lives in India as complications from pregnancy and childbirth, according to a study led by Vikram Patel at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and published today in the Lancet journal. The study used data collected by the Registrar General of India for deaths between 2001 and 2003 and extrapolated those findings to estimate suicide figures for 2010.

The World Health Organization estimates there are almost 900,000 suicides worldwide every year, with India and China accounting for 49 percent in 2004, the latest available figure. Lower risk for divorced women has also been reported in China and may reflect changing perceptions of what is “an acceptable way of life” as women become more educated, Patel said.

As in China, suicide is more prevalent among young women than young men, a trend that is reversed in developed countries.

“What’s interesting is how similar these findings are between China and India and how different these two Asian countries are from the developed world,” Patel said in an interview. In India, suicide trends may reflect “the clash between education and the traditional value system.”

India Data

Past studies have pointed to social difficulties, marital conflict, domestic violence and depression as the leading causes of suicide among women in India, Patel said.

For the overall population, the Registrar General found that about 3 percent of surveyed deaths in people ages 15 and older were attributed to suicide. That translates to about 187,000 suicide deaths in India in 2010. Suicide is the second- leading cause of death of young people in India, the authors said in the paper.

The Registrar’s survey is the first to systematically obtain information on the causes of deaths in India, Patel said. As suicide is a crime in India, the only other available data from the National Crime Records Bureau probably reflects underreporting.

In China, studies showed that mental illness didn’t afflict about a third of people who committed suicide and two-thirds of people who attempted suicide, which contrasts with findings in high-income countries where suicidal behavior is almost always associated with mental illness, Michael Phillips of Emory University and Hui Cheng of Shanghai Mental Health Centre wrote in a commentary accompanying the Lancet publication. Low socioeconomic status and divorce are also risk factors for suicide in developed countries, they said.

National Differences

“These cross-national and cross-regional differences have major implications for prevention,” Phillips and Cheng said.

In India, poisoning, mostly from pesticides used in agriculture, was the leading method of suicide in both men and women, Patel said. Restricting access to these pesticides and improving the availability of mental health services are possible approaches for prevention, he said.

The study was funded by the U.S. National Institutes of Health, the University of Toronto and the Wellcome Trust.

Suicide rates for young men between aged 19 to 30 are falling in England, Australia, China and the U.S., according to a review of past studies led by Alexandra Pitman at University College London, also published in the Lancet today. These national trends mask shifting suicide rates by geographic region, socio-economic status and ethnic origin, they said.

Rural Deaths

In England and Australia, suicide rates are rising among young men in rural areas and falling in urban areas. Among ethnic groups, those with the highest suicide rates are white men in South Africa, first-generation Eastern European and Caribbean immigrants to England and Wales, and indigenous populations of Norway, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the U.S.

Factors that may affect rates of suicide in young men include unemployment, social deprivation, and media reports of suicide, Pitman said in the paper.

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Article source: www.bloomberg.com

Steps for a Happy Marriage, Money-Wise

Newlyweds and couples moving toward marriage, take note: Love, as it turns out, is not all you need. Failing to do so can lead to serious trouble.

"Mature, responsible conversations about money are a sign of a marriage that's going to be healthy and wonderful and enduring," says Brooke Salvini, a certified financial planner based in San Louis Obispo, Calif. "If you can't talk about money when you are dating, that is a red flag right there."

To get the conversation rolling, here are seven steps experts recommend to steer clear of potential marital money troubles:

1. DISCLOSE FINANCIAL RECORDS

Before corporations merge, both sides get a close look at each others financial records. Take the same approach before you get hitched.  Swap statements for your bank accounts, credit cards, student loans, retirement accounts and so on. Also share credit reports and FICO scores.

"Not only can you start to put together a balance sheet of what the two of you own and what your debts are, you can start to discuss 'do we want to combine our checking account?'" says Salvini.

2. DISCUSS FINANCIAL GOALS

A huge part of getting in sync with your spouse begins with discussing major life goals and the necessary financial commitments.  Discuss short-term goals, such as paying off credit card debt or buying a car, and longer-term goals such as buying a house, then craft a budget that sets you clearly on a path toward your goals.

3. BUDGET YOUR SPENDING

Failing to create and stick to a mutually agreed budget can lead to marital strife.  It doesn't have to be complicated. Start by listing monthly income. Be sure to add in interest earned on money-market accounts and dividends from any investments. Then add up expenses, from car payments and rent to groceries, gym membership and utilities.  If you're making more than you spend each month, you can begin planning how to set aside money for an emergency fund, and for long-term financial goals.

If you are spending more than you earn, it's time to consider ways to cut spending.

4. TREAT YOUR MONEY AS OUR MONEY

Many newlyweds see the money they earn individually as their own, much as if they might merely be roommates. They keep separate bank accounts and pitch in, perhaps equally, or not, to pay bills.

But that can lead to problems, especially if one spouse earns a lot more than the other, says Anthony Chambers, a clinical psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.  If both spouses work, he suggests they arrange for their paychecks to be deposited directly into a joint account used to pay all shared expenses. If they feel they need to have some of their own money in a separate account, that's fine. But Chambers says that money should come from the joint account, so both spouses know where the household's money is going.

5. KEEP CREDIT CARDS SEPARATE

It's not necessary to make your spouse a joint account holder on your credit cards, especially if he or she has a poor credit history, which can drag down your own credit rating. Instead, make your spouse an authorized user of your credit cards. This will avoid any potential impact to your credit rating. Authorized users are also able to check account balances and track spending on the card.

6. DON'T SPLIT COSTS 50-50

In marriage as in most other scenarios, money is power. Although splitting household costs down the middle may work early in a relationship, it can breed resentment in a marriage when one spouse makes a lot more money than the other. It also can foster a sense that the person who pays more should have more say in financial matters.

"Very few things in marriage are exactly 50-50," says Chambers. "And that can really start to bring up all of these other issues of fairness."  Even if costs aren't split down the middle, it's important that each spouse have equal say in money decisions.

7. TALK ABOUT SPENDING

Even after you've reviewed all the financial paperwork, it's even more important to find out how your spending habits match up.  Often those habits are developed early and are entrenched. One person might have grown up in a family that counted every penny. Another might part far more easily with money because shopping became a hobby.  Beyond how much someone likes to spend, there are potential conflicts over what we see as a must-have.  Even small differences can become wedge issues.

"The central task of marriage is the management of differences," says Chambers. "So you want to be able to know early on what those differences are."

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*Article source: USA Today

3 Top Tips To Get Your Marriage Back On Track

An interesting article with 3 tips for how to get your marriage back on track.







All marriages go through their ups and downs. Unfortunately, when the rough periods outweigh the happy times the marriage can quickly become unbearable.  As a result you might end up feeling stuck in your marriage but are paralyzed by fear and anxiety over what to do.  But doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.  You need to take positive action to remedy the problems and get your marriage back on track

In this article I will be discussing 3 key elements which will help you to get your marriage back on the straight and narrow.

1. Improve communication in your marriage.

You need to identify your marriage issues and pinpoint the areas of conflicts.   If it helps, write them all down on a piece of paper first and then go through them with your spouse.  You both need to have a frank and honest discussion about what upsets you in the marriage.

This should be a positive discussion, so don’t start throwing accusations at each other.  Talking with anger and resentment will sabotage your efforts and stifle your progress.  Start splitting the issues into small pieces and tackle them one at a time. No subject should be out of bounds: sensitive topics like money, sex, housework, or disciplining the kids are often at the forefront of many couple’s marital problems.

Once you have pinpointed the problems, you need to set the ground rules and create an active plan of action on how you are going to reduce the conflict in your marriage, manage your problems and set the tone for a much more peaceful life together.

2) Kill the tension

Stop holding grudges.  Once you’ve tackled the problem areas and decided on a plan of action you need to take the gloves off and start working on making the marriage better.   This often means letting go of your negative feelings and learning how to be more positive towards your partner.

Constant tension in a marriage creates an unhealthy atmosphere full of hostility, resentment and bitterness which tears a couple apart.  It might mean that you both need to forgive each other for things done in the past, but removing the tension will dramatically improve your marriage and will give you a much better chance to be happy again.

3) Make time for your couple
Sometimes, with a hectic schedule of work and childcare, the couple’s basic needs can become too easily forgotten.  If you are both busy with your careers during the week and then try to cram everything else at week-ends, it leaves you no time to nurture your relationship with your spouse.
In a healthy relationship, couples take time to show affection to each other and express their love for one another.

To help you grow together as a couple, you should try and make a date night at least once a week.   This is a time to enjoy each other’s company, reconnect with your partner and satisfy your needs for sexual intimacy.

Conclusion: Marriage is about giving and taking.  To get your marriage back on track requires efforts and commitments from both spouses.  You need to take care of your couple and make time to nurture your relationship with your spouse.

Ultimately to move into a new happier future together you need to make your marriage your top priority.

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Source: howtosavemarriagenow.com

We need your help!

Irion Books needs you!  We are looking for individuals that want to help contribute to the update we will be doing to the book Divorce Hell.  The book Divorce Hell is Charles Irion’s cautionary tale about the wild ride of divorce, together with his advice on how to get off the marriage-divorce-marriage merry-go-round. The book contains a history of odd divorce rituals, Irion’s descriptions of his own divorces, other people’s horror stories, lurid celebrity break-ups, offbeat prenuptial agreements, all topped off by Irion’s Salvation Guide to jump start your efforts to avoid divorce and achieve a strong marriage.

How can you help?  We are looking for anyone that can share their own horror stories, or marriage and/or divorce advice they would give someone going through the same situation they themselves experienced.  If we print your story, you can choose to either remain anonymous in the book, or we would love to print your name as contributor.

If you think you have the story or advice we're looking for, please email Jennifer at Jennifer@IrionBooks.com

Book Giveaway

You could win a copy of Divorce Hell!  Divorce Hell is my cautionary tale about the wild ride of divorce, together with my advice on how to get off the marriage-divorce-marriage merry-go-round. It’s all here: a history of odd divorce rituals, descriptions of my own divorces, other people’s horror stories, lurid celebrity break-ups, offbeat prenuptial agreements, all topped off by my Salvation Guide to jump start your efforts to avoid divorce and achieve a strong marriage.

Fill out the form below to enter!  Contest will run until the end of the month.  Use your 'tab' key to fill out the form.

Wealthy Couples Drawn to New Divorce Arbitration

An increasing number of wealthy couples are turning to new arbitration schemes to settle divorces rather than squabbling in public through the courts.

It is claimed that arbitration – frequently used in commercial and civil disputes – is being increasingly used to handle financial disputes arising from divorce.

Lawyers say the scheme is likely to attract “super-rich” couples bickering over “big money” divorce settlements who want negotiations carried out discreetly.

It is also understood the be a popular avenue in disputes about ownership of property between cohabiting couples and civil partners and so-called “schedule one claims” – maintenance orders relating to a child born to parents who have never married.

Some 40 lawyers have already trained to be arbitrators for the service launched by the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators, and there is a waiting list of lawyers wanting the training.

Marilyn Stowe, senior partner at Stowe Family Law, told the Financial Times that she thought the scheme would be attractive to two groups of people.

“Those who are in big money cases who can circumvent the waiting period in the courts and also are prepared to pay the fees of the arbitrator to have the benefit of privacy.”
She added the second group could include litigants who might want an arbitrator to decide the case or a specific point.

“Arbitration is tailored to the couple and we do not have to go through the entire process which we do in court. If you do not need a hearing, the arbitrator can decide something on paper. It’s more informal and quicker,“ she said.

James Pirrie of Family Law in Partnership, a team of specialist family lawyers, said he envisaged a big take-up for arbitration cases.

He said: “Court queues are growing – meaning longer delays and more costs for those going to court. That increases the pressures on judges, who have bigger caseloads to manage and less time for each case and there are inevitable stories of bad outcomes.”

“That means that appeals are likely, leading to an even longer process and a greater likelihood of loss of privacy as the media become involved.”

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*article from The Telegraph

Do's and Don'ts of Divorce with Kids

Divorce is a difficult time for every family, but especially the children.  It is important for parents to understand that your older children will be very uncertain about their future.  Against this backdrop, consider these points:

1. You still need to be a parent and address issues with your children. Let them know that you don't have all the answers and it is OK to say, "I don't know."

2. Don't make them choose sides. If you are having a bad moment, don't criticize your spouse to your children. They are not your friends, do not confide in them your fears and anger regarding your spouse.  They need you to be their concerned parent.  Make it very comfortable for your children to remain neutral.

3. Your children are not your spies. Asking questions like, "Does your father have a girlfriend yet?" and "Did your mother have a drink while you were there?" puts your children in the middle.

4. Your children are not a weapon. Asking questions like, "Do you love me or Daddy more?" or "If you loved your Daddy, you would want to spend this weekend with him" are cruel questions. 

5. Your children are not to be spoiled. Many divorcing parents overcompensate with material things to make up for the whole situation. Indulging your children's every whim is not the answer.

6. If your children throw a tantrum, let them. They might need to vent as much as you do. After the emotions of the moment have passed, they will be able to look at the situation realistically.

Sometimes the best advice you can receive, is from someone that is or has experienced divorce for themselves.  Take a look at advice from parents below.

• -Paul Everitt, Louisville, Colo.; parents divorced 30 years

 I have two boys, and in some respects I think the divorce actually made them stronger people. They had to deal with adversity early and had to learn to land on their feet. And, in a sense, that's not a bad thing. So, while I wouldn't say divorce is fine, I also wouldn't say that it's always a huge negative for kids. It's better than the parents staying together when they really are not suited for each other.

• -Anonymous, Boulder, Colo.; married four years, divorced seven years

When you're sending your kids to visit your ex, don't send them empty-handed, expecting that your ex will have the things they need. When you send the children on their visits, give them what they need. If your ex does not send the clothing or items back, explain that you send the children with what they need so the visits will be pleasant for everyone, and that the children need these things returned so they will feel good about both parents.

• -Dom Greco, Poland, Ohio; married five years, divorced 17 years

Dropping off and picking up your children can be really emotional, especially at the beginning of a separation. One way to make it less emotional is to pick up or drop off the kids at school, where you won't encounter your ex. Keep the dropping off and picking up of your kids upbeat. It is OK to tell them how happy you are to see them, or that you missed them. It is never OK to cry; suck it up. We are the reason our children are in this situation.

• -Alexis, Knoxville, Tenn.; married five years, divorced two years

Don't badmouth your ex to your children. Don't shoot arrows at each other because, I promise you, they go straight through your kids' hearts.

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, please CLICK HERE !

*article from the bellingham herald