5 Common Myths of Divorce

When love and respect no longer thrive in your marriage, and you have exhausted every possible option to save your marriage, then divorce is the next step. But when the time comes to divorce, work towards a mature and respectful agreement. Try not to believe in the myths.

You hear various types of divorce stories. Some divorces end amicably and some end dreadfully. Along with the stories come myths that are not necessarily true in all divorces. Each couple who has divorced or is in the process does not go through the same emotions.
I divorced my first husband many years ago because love no longer existed. The blame was not put on one person; we were both to blame. Marriage was just not for us. But, our divorce was respectful. Nevertheless, not every divorce ends the same way.
Though each divorce ends differently, here are five common myths of divorce:

• Having children will prevent divorce. It is never a wise decision to have a child as a way to prevent a divorce from happening. Two things can occur: there is no divorce but both parties are noticeably unhappy or the divorce takes place anyway. When a married couple has exhausted all options to save their marriage and divorce is the only way out, then let it take its course. Having a child to hold onto a spouse is irresponsible and selfish. Children are a blessing, not a game.

• Disagreements always lead to divorce. Most couples argue. My husband and I argue, but it doesn’t mean we have divorce in mind. Having disagreements once in a while is only natural. Couples share differences of opinions and have every right to express them. Opinions may lead to an argument. However, when couples truly love each other and respect one another, they pull back from the disagreement. Many people fail to understand marriages are not always a fairytale, though there are many fairytale moments. Disagreements are inevitable, but not always the reason for divorce.

• Divorce is always expensive. Not all divorces are expensive. Many couples choose to handle their divorce outside of court. They hire lawyers that will help them set up a mutual agreement. That approach reduces the costs of divorce.

• Children will always stay with the mother. For the most part, children do stay with the mother. But this is not always the case. A mother doesn’t have to be unstable or incapable to handle her child to lose custody. If the judge handling the divorce case decides the child is in better hands with the father, the mother will lose custody. Moreover, once a child is of a certain age (each state has a specific age), he or she can decide who he or she wants to live with. It’s best when a couple makes all divorce decisions between them as a way to avoid risking losing full custody of the child.

• Divorce is always one person’s fault. No, divorce is not always one person’s fault. Most divorces are the result of both people. For example, if the man cheats on his wife, the wife is immediately blamed for his infidelity. She does not keep him happy. That's an unfair statement. Sometimes a couple just outgrow each other, and they understand they cannot live together.

When love and respect no longer thrive in your marriage, and you have exhausted every possible option to save your marriage, then divorce is the next step. But when the time comes to divorce, work towards a mature and respectful agreement. Try not to believe in the myths.

Article source: heraldtimesonline.com

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7 Tips to Avoiding a Disastrous Divorce

Litigants, fueled by emotions, jealously or bad advice, can easily snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by making poor decisions during their divorces. All your planning, strategizing and preparation will be for naught if you make one of these predictable, but easily avoidable mistakes.

Since a litigated divorce is mentally overwhelming, you could unwittingly fall victim to these behaviors, which would ensure that you would only view your divorce with regrets. By simply being aware of what not to do, you can steer clear of these mistakes.

1. Hiring the wrong attorney.
Not every divorce and every issue within the divorce need be fully litigated. To the contrary, most cases are settled. Even in those cases that cannot be settled, it is rare that every issue has to be litigated.

Hiring the bullldog attorney -- the super aggressive lawyer who promises to leave no stone unturned so that you will "win" the case and punish your spouse -- is a recipe for disaster. The bulldog attorney will needlessly litigate everything.

The only person who will definitely benefit from this hire is the attorney. He will bill you aggressively and end up with the lion's share of the marital assets.

On the other hand, you do not want to retain the overly conciliatory attorney either. The right attorney is pragmatic -- flexible enough to make a deal, but firm enough to protect your interests.

2. Failing to understand the ramifications of your decisions.
You have retained counsel and perhaps a financial advisor or planner. Ask them questions. Explore options and alternative resolutions. Consider "what if" scenarios; if one aspect of a settlement is contingent on some other event, understand what happens if the contingent event does not occur.
If you do not fully understand every decision in your divorce, you will have to live with the consequences.

3. Settling for more than you can pay or less than you need.
Understand your actual income, expenses and your budget. You have to know if a settlement will afford you the ability to support yourself and your family when the divorce is over. You should not settle a case on unrealized or hopeful expectations.

If you are the paying spouse, you do not want to commit to pay more than you can afford. On the other hand, if you are the recipient spouse, realize if your demand your ex to make payments that are not affordable, it is more likely there will be a default in payments and then all you will get is more litigation.

4. Taking legal advice from your hair stylist.
Everyone, your friends, your family and even your hair stylist, has an opinion about your divorce. They all have an opinion about what you need, what you should ask for and what you should do to get it. They also may tell you what you are doing wrong and why their friends got more.
Don't listen to them. They will only make you doubt yourself.

Ask them where they went to law school and how long they have practiced family law. The ensuing silence will tell you the value of their advice. Put differently, your divorce attorney does not cut your hair; your hair stylist should not practice law.

5. Making decisions based on anger and spite.
Avoid making knee-jerk emotional decisions. The decisions you make will impact you and your family's economic future and welfare. Avoid making rash, irrational decisions. Take time and think your positions through after conferring with your attorney.

6. Fighting for your principles.
It really is great to be right. But being right costs money, particularly when you are fighting a divorce.

For most people, preserving assets and achieving a fair settlement is more important than being right. Pick your battles and only fight the ones that really make sense.

7. Insisting that the judge decide everything.
While you may need to vent your anger or your frustration to the judge in your case, you may not really want a trial. After trial, a judge will render judgment based only on the limited facts presented to him or her, and you will be bound by the judge's decision. You will have much more control over a negotiated settlement which can be nuanced to address some of your concerns. And, of course, the costs of a trial may be astronomical.

Guided by these simple principles, you can avoid becoming one of those terrible divorce stories.

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Article source: Huffington post

Hiring a Divorce Attorney

Whether you are just starting the divorce process or want to modify your final judgment, hiring a divorce lawyer is not something most people have experience with. Here are 10 tips for hiring and working with a divorce lawyer:

1. Ask for recommendations from your friends. this is the best place to begin.
2. Make an appointment for an initial consultation. Do not be surprised if the divorce lawyer charges for the initial consult, but do expect to walk away with some information about how your case will shake out.
3. Compile a list of questions to take with you. Ask questions. Be prepared.
4. Listen to your intuition when hiring a divorce or modification lawyer.
5. Learn how the basic divorce law works.
6. Get organized. This can save you time, stress and attorney fees.
7. Get clear on your goals and do not make your divorce lawyer guess about what she “thinks” you want.
8. Make sure the lawyer understands your goals.
9. Pick your battles. You do not always have to put up a fight. Sustained conflict with your ex is the worst thing you can do for your children.
10. Only use your lawyer’s time when you need to. Get a divorce coach or therapist to talk to about the non-legal parts of your divorce.

And here is a bonus tip: Read the retainer contract carefully. Understand how the lawyer will be charging you. This can be a contentious area between clients and their divorce lawyer so be sure you understand what you will be charged for when your divorce lawyer works on your case.

Having a good “fit” between the lawyer and client is important. I’m not talking about having the divorce lawyer as your BFF. As the client it is your responsibility to get clear on your goals and do not choose a divorce lawyer who does not fit with your goals .

If maintaining good relations with your ex is important because you will be co-parenting together, hiring an attorney who enjoys conflict is not likely to be a good fit. Remember that you will be working over time with the divorce lawyer so choose wisely.

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Article Source: .pamelawynn.com