New Law Eases Path to Divorce for Many Couples

Michael DresserContact ReporterThe Baltimore Sun

 

A new law will eliminate Maryland's one-year wait for some who want to divorce.

 

When spouses in Maryland agree to split up and amicably hammer out a separation agreement, state law still makes them wait a year to file for divorce.

That will change Thursday — at least for some couples — when a new law eliminates the waiting period for those without minor children who mutually consent to divorce and agree on a property split. Couples with children will still have to live apart for a year before they can file, even if they have resolved custody and support issues.

The change is the result of legislation sponsored by Sen. Robert A. Zirkin and passed in April by the General Assembly. Zirkin, a Baltimore County Democrat, said the measure will help thousands of Marylanders to move on with their lives.

Lindsay Parvis, a Montgomery County attorney who co-chairs the Maryland State Bar Association's section on family law, called the change "a huge development."

She said it will be a relief for many people to know they can move forward "rather than a law telling them they have to wait 12 months."

The current law starts the one-year clock on the day one spouse moves out of the common home. If the two later stay under the same roof for even a night, the clock resets to Day One.

New state laws to help Marylanders clear arrest records

 

Parvis said the law will get the courts out of the business of asking eligible couples about that aspect of their lives.

Del. Kathleen Dumais, a family lawyer and vice chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, said clients come to her with settlement agreements and are shocked to learn they have to wait a year.
"They just look at me like I've lost my mind," said Dumais, a Montgomery County Democrat. "It just seems so crazy."

There are exceptions to the waiting period in current law for cases in which a spouse has committed adultery or been abusive. Lawyers point to cases where couples didn't want to raise adultery charges in an uncontested divorce, but did so to avoid the waiting period. In other cases, spouses accuse themselves of adultery to expedite a ruling.

Dumais, who helped steer the legislation through the House, said some delegates were concerned that Zirkin's original bill did not include enough protections against one spouse taking advantage of the other. She said the House committee added an amendment excluding parents of minor children from expedited divorce and another requiring that both spouses attend the court hearing in person.

Currently only one spouse has to attend the hearing on an uncontested divorce.

The House passed the bill 104-34, with most Republicans opposed. The Senate, which earlier passed the bill 40-7, accepted the House changes and Gov. Larry Hogan signed the bill.

Lawmakers acted after hearing stories such as that of Rachel London and William Atwell.

In joint written testimony, London and Atwell told senators that after deciding in June 2011 that they no longer wanted to be married, they quickly reached agreement on a property split and the support and custody of their 4-year-old son. But because neither could afford to leave their Anne Arundel County home immediately, they lived under the same roof in separate bedrooms until Atwell could move out in October of that year.

It wasn't until a year later they could file for divorce, which was granted in November 2012.
"Allowing us to file for absolute divorce when we were ready more than a year before would have decreased the stress, burden and uncertainty," they wrote.

Under the new law, a couple in their position still would not be eligible for a quick divorce because a child was involved. But Dumais said the legislation nonetheless represents meaningful change.
"What I find in family law is that baby steps are important," she said.

Zirkin, who said divorce law is a small part of his practice, said he hopes the legislation will encourage separating couples to reach agreements.

"It creates an incentive for people to work it out," he said. "Because the last thing you want in a divorce is people fighting over every last thing."

And if couples aren't fighting it out, that could save them on legal fees, Zirkin said.

"If this bill works the way it should ... it's a bad thing for divorce lawyers — which is a good thing," he said.

Sen. Michael Hough, a Frederick County Republican, said the amendments made the bill less objectionable, but he still is opposed.

"Right now there's a cooling-off period that's in the law," he said. "I just don't want to make it so you can get a next-day divorce, and that's where the law is headed."

The bill was one of several that passed this year removing obstacles to divorce. Another that becomes law this week shortens to six months, rather than a year, the time someone must live in Maryland to file for divorce here — an issue important for military families who move frequently.

Zirkin said such changes are part of a broader re-examination of Maryland's approach to divorce.
"We have a lot of remnants of very old common law and very old statutes," said Zirkin, who chairs the Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee. "This is not the end in terms of modernizing our law."
Other new laws

These are among new Maryland laws effective Thursday:
Rape kits: Requires police agencies to report backlogs of untested rape kits to state.
Mental health: Requires Baltimore and county police to create units by next Oct. 1 trained to deal with mentally ill people.
Police review: Expands mission and changes membership of Baltimore's civilian review board.
Public information: Creates new compliance board with authority to enforce public records law.
Speed limits: Allows state highway officials to set speed limits up to 70 mph.
Human trafficking: Allows someone charged with prostitution to use as a defense being a victim of human trafficking.
 mdresser@baltsun.com

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Study looks at why women are more likely to initiate divorce

By Yanan Wang

Sunday, Sept. 13, 2015, 9:00 p.m.

 

Expectations for a spouse are much higher than they used to be. 

For most of Western history, marriage had little equality. Wives bore the brunt of child care and housework, depended on their husbands for financial support and enjoyed little social autonomy while men openly had affairs. 

Fast-forward to the age of rom-coms, Valentine's Day and a $50 billion wedding industry. It's all based on finding, marrying and keeping “The One.” 

“Today, Americans want not only a spouse who is reliable and reasonable, but also someone who is their best friend, and a great lover, and someone who pays the bills ... but is also really fun,” said Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld. 

According to research that Rosenfeld recently presented at the American Sociological Association's annual meeting, these heightened expectations can leave women feeling worse off in marriage than men. In a survey of 2,262 adults in heterosexual partnerships over the course of five years, Rosenfeld found that women initiate divorces 69 percent of the time. 

On the whole, they also reported less satisfaction with their marriages than men. 

Scientists have known for decades that wives are usually the ones asking for a divorce. But Rosenfeld's study also surveyed people in nonmarital romantic relationships, from casual flings to couples who had lived together for several years; in those relationships, women and men initiated breakups at equal rates. So, there's something about marriage that makes it harder on women.

“The expectation is that marriage has a whole bunch of benefits and positive characteristics for women that it didn't have in the past, but the truth is much trickier than that,” Rosenfeld said.

Though he stressed that most women surveyed were happy with their marriages, many of those who weren't cited controlling husbands and a loss of independence as causes of discontent. 

He also speculated that, although most men today espouse egalitarian values, many probably still harbor subconscious expectations of a wife's traditional role in the household. This could explain why, after all these years, women still shoulder twice as many domestic responsibilities as men. (In contrast, studies have shown that couples who equally divide their child-care duties have better sex lives.) 

Rosenfeld's survey checked in with the same individuals every year for five years. In cases in which someone was married the first year of the study and divorced in the last, his team was able to gather details in the breakup's immediate aftermath. 

One woman, who was 23 when the study began in 2009, initially reported a “good” (4 out of 5 points on the satisfaction scale) relationship with her husband-to-be: “He is very clever, fun, and sweet. I respect him and feel like we are equals on values, intellect and humor.” 

She noted, however, “It is not ‘excellent' because I wish that he was more romantic. He's very practical.” 

Four years later, the couple got divorced. In early 2015, she said, “I used to be a very happy, optimistic person, and it was like he was slowly starving my soul.” 

She realized that the relationship had become emotionally abusive and promptly filed for a divorce.

Rosenfeld said respondents' stories had echoes of “The Feminine Mystique,” Betty Friedan's feminist treatise about unhappiness among middle-class housewives. Instead, many of today's disgruntled wives have full-time jobs — and, hence, no practical need for husbands who don't make them happy.

So, while the institution of marriage hasn't completely shed its inequitable roots, women can afford to be a lot choosier. 

Yanan Wang is a staff writer for The Washington Post.

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6 Ways Your Divorce Is Harder Than It Needs to Be

Divorce is generally unpleasant. Oh sure, we all have that friend who sails through it with a smile on their face and a spring in their step, never exhibiting an outward moment of hesitation as they move through the divorce with an almost unicorn-like dignity and grace. Then there are the other 99.999 percent of us. I have been in the ugly tear-stained trenches of it all as my little one was ripped from my arms screaming for his Mommy. I have made some stupid mistakes, more than once. Sometimes I wonder if all the difficulties I have been through are the reason I am effective in this line of work. I promise I will not ask you to do something I haven't done before, and I really understand how you feel when you sit down in my office overwhelmed and in pain. Real, excruciating, pain that feels as if you have been punched in the gut. Not sleeping. Not eating. Feeling as if you are in a daze and as if all this is happening "to you" without any input, without any control. Your spouse may get your house, your children and steal your financial security, but the process may be more difficult than necessary. I am aware that I am not always easy on my clients. It is my job to tell you what you sometimes do not want to hear. There is no reason to pay someone thousands of dollars to just agree it's not your fault, unless, of course, that someone is your therapist. There are many different ways to get through this time, some more effective and healthy than others. After 21 years of practicing law, I would like to say I have seen it all, but just about every week we see new forms of additional self-imposed misery. So here are a few tips and what to avoid doing to make this divorce process a little shorter, less traumatic and maybe a little less expensive too.

1. You want what she/he is having.
In divorce, as in life, if you spend the days lamenting over what is going on with your ex, or anyone else for that matter, this will not lead you to your happy place. There will always be someone richer, younger, thinner, smarter, more accomplished along the way. No good comes from worrying about the things others have, material or otherwise. Your ex has a new significant other, a new house, a new car. Your ex is traveling the world (and they never did this with you). Your ex is spending your child support payment on their nails or golf. They are now father or mother of the year, and they never even changed a diaper! You cannot control someone or their actions, but you can control your reactions.

You can choose instead to be happy they stepped up to the plate with the children like they never did before, or that they have a nice house or car for your children to enjoy. You can just be happy they are not your problem anymore. These worries are serious "time wasters" that take the focus away from our own lives and happiness. They also make really crappy conversation starters with a new friend or love interest. Bitter and jealous are simply not fun to be around. As a big believer in Karma, wish them well and then move on to more important issues like your own happiness. Make sure your own glass is half-full or even better overflowing with new love, new friends and a happy home, even if it is a town home.

2. You believe you are not accountable for the failure of your marriage.
You were the kindest, most loving, nurturing spouse that ever was there -- I believe you, I really do. Are you at fault? Yes, you married someone who did not believe in your fabulousness. Most of the time, if we are really honest with ourselves, (not always easy or pretty, I know) we might admit, albeit reluctantly, we knew the very thing about our soon to be ex that now leads us running to the divorce lawyer. Of course, there are exceptions to this observation but so very often the signs are right there, the pink elephant we chose to ignore. They were mean to other people, you had wildly different views of the world and life goals, they were financially irresponsible while you saved every penny, and the list goes on. You thought you could "fix them" or perhaps maybe just give up an essential piece of your soul and what matters, to make them happy. Then one day we wake up and realize the marriage is over, or perhaps they decided enough is enough, but we all play a part. When there is no singular fault and when we all accept our piece of where and how it all ends, we move on faster, we fight less, we spend less on lawyers and most importantly, we are less likely to make the same mistake again.

3. You can't forgive.
Well of course you can, but you just don't want to. I am NOT going to tell you that you have to forgive -- you don't. It is certainly your prerogative to hold on to that anger and hatred with all the passion and love once directed at your former beloved. You want to hold on to it tightly because it was a really awful horrible thing that was done to you. It is, after all, the reason you are in this mess in the first place, right? Someone else did this to you (see number two above). There are some things that are unforgivable after all, are there not? Someone slept with your best friend, beat you, left you or lied to you. So don't forgive, but be prepared to pull out your checkbook for your lawyer and the therapist for you and maybe your kids too.

Anger and hatred have a direct correlation to a longer, messier divorce and higher attorneys fees while we punish the wrongdoer. Maybe you can change the dynamic with a little change in perspective. People who hurt us are often broken themselves with complicated stories and reasons that may have little to do with us. Maybe we should feel sorry for them instead of angry? Maybe we should realize how sad it is they will never know how they were loved, or be capable of giving love the way it was intended. The truth is forgiveness is not a favor to others; it is a favor to you. It frees up a space inside you for significantly better things. Think about the words "angry" and "bitter" and think of an image. Do they make you happy, do they look light and beautiful? Sometimes I wonder about the moments of our life. Would our moments be different if a clock was running down the moments left in this life on our new Apple watch? Would we choose to waste them rehashing the harms done to us, or choose moving forward towards more moments of joy? There is huge power in not allowing someone to steal more minutes of your life with anger or regret. So go ahead and stay mad or take back your power, forgive and lower those attorney's fees, after all.

4. You believe you are entitled to the same life.
I often work against expectations so huge that Cinderella's fairy Godmother could not deliver them (and don't get me started on her; that girl has lead more people down the path to divorce, but I digress...). If you come to me or any lawyer believing you can have the same life you had before you divorced, you will be sadly disappointed and will spend unnecessary time and unnecessary fees. The math of divorce is simple division. Divide by two, your income and assets, and multiply by two, the amount of bills. Sounds great, right? I don't care if your lawyer wrote the book on divorce, the story always has the same ending, everyone will have less. Even in the biggest cases it applies. I call it "park the plane," everyone will tighten their belt or maybe just give up a house or two, but nobody gets to have it all. You simply can't believe, you might have to give up your custom decorated 10,000-square-foot apartment in Tribeca, and will pay any amount of money to avoid this travesty of justice. Your righteous indignation is blood in the water and the sharks are circling. Have a low-calorie alcoholic beverage and save those attorney's fees to put a down payment on a nice new penthouse on 5th Avenue.

Feelings of entitlement are costly and set us up to be disappointed in this life. You are both entitled to a life at the end of this mess but it will be a different life for you both. Maybe I am a cynic, (after all these years, who could blame me?) but there is no way to ensure your happiness other than to make sure no one else is responsible for it. Work hard, own your own destiny and be grateful for what you have, even if it is 50 percent less that you used to have; it is so much more than many others.

5. You surround yourself with "yes" men.
They might be your best friend from summer camp who you have known since you were 10, your parents, your sister, your brother, and all too often, your lawyer. Your "yes men" are the ones that support whatever you do no matter what. They nod in agreement whenever you call your ex a complete jerk, they agree you deserve to "get it all" for what the other party has done to you. They encourage you to fight for things you are not entitled to, they encourage you to use your children, hide your assets, fight for unreasonable positions and generally condone your bad behavior. They never see the other side, never hold you accountable for your actions, sometimes just because they love you unconditionally. Some of my dearest friends and family however, have been those who have held me accountable for my own piece of some fairly tragic "life detours" (people seem to really dislike the term mistake). Sometimes we need the people around us to tell us to get our shit together, to toughen up or lighten up. We say "no" to our children everyday because they need to know there are limits and expectations. No is not a bad thing. Be aware of those who agree with everything we do or say. Listen to those who show the real mirror to the not-so-pretty behavior. We all need to be reminded that this is not the end of the world, that no one is guaranteed a particular life unless we create it for ourselves and that who we are at the end of this crazy ride is what really matters.

6. You think too much about you.
There is nothing that makes people feel worse about themselves than being singularly focused on what is wrong with their day, their life, their kids, their job, their appearance. Perspective is the greatest gift we can allow ourselves to move toward being happy. I can focus today on my broken faucet, ice maker jamming up, piled up laundry, my daughters four cavities (no, that is not a typo, and yes, I brush her teeth). This which will now require us to fly back from vacation for the procedure because her Reactive Airway Disease makes sedation too risky now with her recent Bronchitis. In the alternative, I can focus on a friend who just lost her young husband with two young daughters and think about her. Today her pain is bigger than any pain I can imagine, her strength and courage fills my heart with awe that life is hard and people are so very resilient. These people and stories are a gift to remind us this too shall pass and there is more life to be lived. Look outside your pain and your struggles. Your house is not big enough or nice enough? You have a home. You have family that loves you but are driving you crazy? There is someone alone tonight. So try to focus on doing something that is not about you at all. Stop for a whole day and try not to complain about anything. Say out loud "someone has it worse, I should be grateful." You will be better prepared for this little bump in the road we call divorce.

I know divorce sucks, it is not supposed to end like this no matter how it ends. Someday you will be through it, hopefully sooner rather than later. Don't torture yourself or your spouse unnecessarily, you will make the lawyers rich, the judges annoyed and your children cranky. This divorce is a gift, a new life, different but better than ever, if you let it be. Get there as fast as you can, that clock is ticking.

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New type of divorce sweeping the country

Story by Mary Quinn O’Connor/CBS12

 Karen Coleman has heard horror stories about the divorce process.

So when she filed, she knew exactly what she didn't want.

"I was dreading the process. I knew it had potential to be very adversarial,” says Coleman.

So, she reached out to attorney Kim Nutter, who heads a group called The South Palm Beach County Collaborative Law Group.

A collaborative divorce is exactly what she got.

“They are trying to guide you to a resolution as opposed to gearing you up for a fight.”

Typically there are three traditional ways to get a divorce: do it yourself, through a mediator or through litigation.

Kim Nutter says a collaborative divorce is a happy medium between mediation and litigation and it's sweeping the country.

“In a traditional divorce, people takes positions and they dig in their heels,” says Nutter.  “You choose a collaborative divorce if you want to maintain some type of relationship," adds Nutter.

There are key differences between a litigated divorce and a collaborative divorce.

A litigated divorce can cost hundreds of thousands, even millions.

But, a collaborative divorce typically stays in the tens of thousands of dollars.

A litigated divorce can take years; a collaborative, just a few months.

The biggest difference, however, is everything is done outside of the courtroom.

“There is a better way to do it, a way that still allows disclosure and will do less harm to a family,” says Nutter.

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10 Things No One Tells You About Divorce

The Huffington Post  |  By Brittany Wong

Not all divorce advice is created equal. For every good tip you receive from someone (don't use your attorney as your therapist, keep those rants about your ex off Facebook), there are just as many unhelpful comments: "Don't get mad, get everything!" Just no.

The best source for advice you can actually use are divorcés themselves. Below, 10 HuffPost bloggers and readers share the one tip they wish someone had given them during the divorce process.

1. Moving on is a marathon, not a sprint.
"The difference is, a marathoner trains for hours before the big race. Divorce strikes most of us unexpectedly with no training on how to get through it. Take things day by day and one step at a time until you find solid footing and each step doesn't feel like you're walking on quicksand. And realize that emotions shouldn’t be suppressed. As a man, I was raised in an environment where emotions weren't to be spoken of -- divorce taught me the opposite." -Vidal Cisneros Jr.
 
2. Divorce feels a bit like death (without all the casseroles delivered to your door.)
"Losing your ex -- and your ex's family -- is almost like a death. You need to mourn the loss of them and understand that your ex's family will probably stand by him or her in spite of any wrongdoings." -Jessi Ann Bigler 

3. Post-split life is kind of boring.
"The one thing nobody warns you about is the most unexpected thing about divorce: boredom. The divorce process is so full of drama -- from lawyers telling you how broke you’re going to be to the unhappily married dads at your kids’ school drooling as they ask what it’s like to be single again -- that you start expecting every day to be as eventful as a Shonda Rhimes series. But trust me, it’s not. Maybe there’s some decent histrionics in the initial months of separation, but after that, life settles into a menial routine not that different from when you were married. You rush to get your kids to school on time. You figure out how to pay the bills. You fall asleep watching Netflix on Friday nights because you’re too worn out to go out. It’s less like the tear-jerking Lifetime movie you expected it to be and more like, say, a minivan commercial." -Craig Tomashoff

4. There’s no shame in getting divorced.
"Why didn't someone tell me there’s no shame in getting divorced? It can be a loving and positive decision for you and your spouse. In American culture, we shame people who divorce. We view them as are failures, as lazy, as immoral. Accordingly, the only way to avoid the shame of divorce is to fight, to blame, to win, to prove it was not your fault. By making divorce a shameful thing, we guarantee nasty combative divorces. The damage done is incalculable. We need to create new stories about what divorce means. Someone recently said on Twitter, 'My marriage didn’t fail, I simply completed it.' I wish someone had told me there’s no reason to feel ashamed just because you need to create something new." -Mark Greene

5. A financial advisor is just as important as an attorney.
"I wish someone had pulled me aside and told me to hire a financial advisor. Divorce can leave you in pretty dire straits without the right information and the truth is, divorce proceedings are primarily about money." -Beth Cone Kramer

6. There is no "right" way to be divorced.
"People couldn’t understand why I was still hurting a year later. Why I had trouble trusting men enough to start dating again. Why, five years later, I’d be having a perfectly great day and then *boom* a little jolt from the past would bring everything back to the surface. We all have our own timelines. Some bounce back immediately, ready to take on this new life with lustful enthusiasm. Some retreat into a Greta Garbo/hermit mode and just want to be left alone for a while. I wish someone had told me that it’s OK to take as long as you need. I often felt as though I was scrambling to meet some make-believe deadline: Time to date! Time to remarry! It would have been good to know that there is no 'right' way to be divorced." -Jennifer Ball 

7. It can turn ugly. Really ugly.
"I didn't realize divorce could be so downright cataclysmic. Sure, you hear all the horror stories, but you think you and your soon-to-be ex are above all that. Guess what? You're not. There's something about the complex combination of bloodsucking lawyers, wars of words and mental anguish that causes you to channel the dark side with a vengeance that would make Darth Vader proud. At some point, you experience every negative emotion under the sun. For the average person, this means stratospheric levels of rage, spite and anger coupled with ample amounts of loneliness, depression and despair. Even if you're so delighted to be out of the relationship you could do cartwheels, the process of getting to the other side is, at times, akin to undergoing an anesthesia-free root canal." -Austin Blood

8. You might second-guess your decision.
"Even if you're certain of your decision when you split, you might not be a year from now. When your ex moves on, it will be hard. You may feel jealous of the new person, even if you know you were miserable in your marriage. You may wonder if your kids would be better off if you had stayed in a two-parent household. You could start second guessing the divorce. You look back with rose-colored glasses, remembering the good times and glossing over the bad. But really, no marriage is all good or all bad. There was sickness and there was health. You have to do whatever you can to keep a realistic perspective post-split." -Kim Caloca

9. Your family and friends may react in unexpected ways.
"I was the first person in my family and friends to get a divorce. I had to figure out a lot on my own. I wish someone had told me that my grandparents would not understand and treat me like the black sheep of the family. Or that the hypocrites who never said a word about how they felt about my ex would finally speak their truth and tell me how they never thought he was good for me. I wish someone had told me that my happily married friends would treat me like my failed marriage was contagious and that I would lose friends because I was divorced." -Kim Tanis 

10. Moving on is a choice.
"When the shock and awe has passed, when you've forgiven the betrayal, you have a choice: To stay cocooned and venomous or to look on your divorce as a lesson. And to then make it work for the sake of your children. It's not always easy, but it's always necessary. I am happier and more peaceful as a result." -Ellen Watson Cady 

 

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A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

 

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

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A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

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Divorce Rates: Beaten Women Most Likely to Boot Husbands

By Danish Hussain

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason. DESIGN: URSHELA RIAZ/ZAINAB LOTIA 

ISLAMABAD:  Aneeta Rasool, 33, was accompanied by her three-year-old daughter when she came to the Islamabad Arbitration Council (IAC) to submit an application seeking divorce from her “abusive husband”.

Aneeta, a schoolteacher, has been married for five years. When initiated the case, she was told by the office that the council’s chairman will form a committee within a month to attempt reconciliation between the ‘separating pair’, as it is a prerequisite before any final announcement from the council.
Aneeta was also told that under normal circumstances it takes almost three months before the final divorce announcement is made.

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason.

In the last 11 months, the IAC at the district courts registered 557 divorce cases, 389 of which were initiated by women.

“I am happy, but emotionally hurt,” Aneeta said when asked how she felt after filing the separation application.

“Happy, because I see an end to the five years of continuous pain I suffered at the hands of my husband, and hurt because my marriage is about to end.”

She also shared other stories related to domestic violence that have scarred the lives of many women.
Almost 92 per cent of Islamabad-based women who initiated divorce cases in 2014 have cited domestic violence as the main reason for dissolving marriages.

The IAC processes and registers divorce cases in urban areas under the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance, 1961, however, it does not maintain records of 12 rural union councils.

Section 7, sub-section (2) of the ordinance provides for the registration of divorce cases with the council. Failure to register a divorce is an offense punishable with simple imprisonment for a term of up to one year, a fine of up to Rs5,000, or both.

According to records for the last five years, a total of 2,887 divorce cases were registered with the council, an average of 577 cases per year.

At the same time, during the first 11 months of 2014, the council has failed to settle even a single dispute with reconciliation — all the cases resulted in dissolution of the marriage.

“Couple in a dispute approach us at the final stage, and after exhausting all options to reconcile among themselves. In the majority of such cases, they even don’t bother to sit with the arbitrator at the same time,” said Rehan, an assistant to the arbitration council chairman.

Times are changing

According to IAC statistics, only 98 divorce cases were registered in 1995, of which 19 were initiated by women.

Advocate Sadaf Ali, a family laws expert, says domestic violence has always remained the core reason behind divorces initiated by women.

She said that in her legal experience, women could bear financial hardships and other family disputes to keep the marriage intact, but in the face of physical abuse, it becomes next to impossible for them to stay in the relationship.

She said statistics show that domestic violence was not limited to rural areas. It has also become an urban phenomenon, and the federal capital, where the literacy rate is relatively high, is no exception.
Human right activist Tahira Abdullah spoke on the subject with The Express Tribune. She deplored the fact that there is no legal remedy for women subjected to domestic violence in rural parts of Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa in the absence of legislation.

While urging parliament and provincial governments to come up with legislation in this regard, Abdullah said that the IAC statistics not only endorse and validate the longstanding stance of women’s rights activists on the issue, but also serve as an eye-opener for society in general.
“First, men commit a crime by beating their wives, and then they refuse to divorce them, forcing the women to seek their rights through a lengthy legal procedure,” she said.

Divorce  cases
Year         No.
2013         663
2012         495
2011         557
2010        605

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Divorce doesn’t make one a failure

Washington Post

While I’m away, readers give the advice
On failure, shame and selfhood:

A letter-writer who was first in the family to divorce, saying, “I feel like a failure,” struck a chord with me. My favorite quote (and philosophy) is from “The Wizard of Oz”:

Dorothy: “Oh – you’re a very bad man!”

Wizard: “Oh, no, my dear. I – I’m a very good man. I’m just a very bad Wizard.”

Everything is relative. Everyone is usually a success at being what he is – and often fails miserably at being what he’s not, from students at the wrong college with the wrong major to gay men trying to fit into a straight lifestyle.

As for being the first to divorce, I wonder how many weren’t, but wanted to be – and should have been.

– Arizona

On a kiss that’s just a kiss:

Our first kiss was chaste, but I was very aware that I wasn’t enjoying it. I just let it happen, feeling strangely disengaged.

He was a good man and I thought I was being kind, even generous.

Subconsciously, I think I felt that way on my wedding day, too.

Thirty years and four children later, I am much wiser. I thought I was being selfless, but I was robbing him.

I am still with that good man, that good, deserving man who, because of my “generosity,” will never know what it is to feel loved by a woman truly attracted to him.

I ultimately did find myself feeling a profound connection with another man. I didn’t act on it, but it made me realize for the first time what I might have had with someone else. I felt a real sense of loss, even more for my husband than for myself.

We should all take our time in relationships and give ourselves permission to feel what we feel without judgment. We owe it not just to ourselves, but to those who believe we might be right for them.

– Anonymous (E.)

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Divorce Rates Are Falling - But Marriage Is Still on the Rocks

Divorce Rates Are Falling—But Marriage Is Still on the Rocks

Antonio M. Rosario—Getty Images

Kay S. Hymowitz is the William E. Simon Fellow at the Manhattan Institute and a contributing editor of City Journal. She is the author of four books, including Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age and Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Is Turning Men Into Boys.

Hand-wringing is an appropriate response to the state of marriage today.

Tuesday’s New York Times’s Upshot section featured an article by Claire Cain Miller entitled “The Divorce Surge is Over, but the Myth Lives On.” The piece got a good deal of attention, but Miller manages to reinforce some myths of her own.

That’s not to say the piece is wrong in its basic facts. The divorce surge is over. (Or most people believe it is: this paper offers an alternate take.) In truth, the rise in divorce has been over for 20 years. Divorce rates peaked in the early 1980s when Ronald Reagan was president and the Internet was only a mite in the eye of wierdos hanging out in California garages. In fact, this “news” may well be older than many of its readers who were probably not even been born when divorce rates were already on the downswing.

It’s also the case that people remain strangely attached to the idea that half of all marriages end in divorce despite numerous stories over the years showing otherwise. Miller links to one of those stories—from 2005, that is, nine years ago. I myself published a book that took stock of the trends in 2006. Family scholars have talked about the turn-around in divorce rates repeatedly. Yet the myth lives on. If you want proof of that, check out the media reaction to the Times piece: a “fascinating story” in the words of the Clarion Ledger; “surprisingly optimistic numbers,” marveled the Huffintgton Post.

So why has this particular myth been so difficult to extract from the hive mind? Why are people so (ahem) wedded to an idea that is not only untrue but has been for almost a generation? Two reasons. The first will no doubt sound clichéd: Hollywood. In la-la land divorce is about as common as Botox. When beautiful, famous people split up, fan magazines, entertainment networks, and social media sites spring into action, making sure we see albums of photos of crying, stoic, rehabbed, and then newly partnered, actors and actresses claiming they’ve never been happier. Social psychologists refer to a cognitive bias they call the “availability heuristic.” Striking events—plane crashes, Ebola cases, the Kardashians—make the weird seem more commonplace than it is precisely because the brain is so impressed by it. Of course, the availability heuristic gets some help from the television shows and movies these same famous people write, star in, and produce about marital crackups that often bear a striking resemblance to their own.

The second reason the myth lives on is not only more troubling but exemplified by the Times article that seeks to dismantle it. The younger generation, whether they know divorce is declining or not, believes that marriage is on the rocks. From their vantage point, they’re right. While fewer American adults have been divorcing over the past decades, a growing number of people in their own cohort have grown up apart from one parent, almost always their fathers.

How can divorce be declining but at the same time more children growing up with single parents? Because—and this is the story that Miller underplays—so many parents never marry in the first place. A little history is in order here: When divorce rates skyrocketed in the 1970s, American were not simply suddenly looking at their spouses and deciding en masse that they couldn’t take it anymore. They were reacting to a changing understanding about what marriage meant. Instead of an arrangement largely centered around providing for and rearing the next generation, it was becoming an adult-centric union based on love and shared happiness, which as an upper middle class grew in size, became closely linked to granite countered kitchens, European and spa vacations, and weddings with 200 guests.

One big reason that divorce rates began to fall after 1980 was that people, almost always those with less education and less income for the required accouterments of marriage, took the logic of the divorce revolution and ran with it. If marriage and childbearing were no longer tightly linked but rather discreet—even unrelated—life events, and if they were not earning enough to enjoy the middle class status objects enjoyed by their more educated peers, then why marry at all? Why not just have kids without getting married? While college educated women continued to demand a ring before they became mothers, the percentage of poor women having kids outside of marriage was already on the rise; now working class women, many of them temporarily cohabiting with their child’s father, also bypassed the chapel on the way to the maternity ward. In his forthcoming book Labor’s Loves Lost, Andrew Cherlin quotes one young unmarried father this way: “You need way better reasons than having a kid to get married.”

By missing this larger picture, Miller ends up adding single parents—who after all have a null chance of divorce—to good news numbers about marital stability. Sheela Kennedy and Steven Ruggles from the Population Center at the University of Minnesota try to take into account the new reality in a recent paper. Their findings are sobering: “because cohabitation makes up a rapidly growing percentage of all unions,” they write, it has “an increasing impact on overall union instability.” And by accepting that marriage and children are unrelated, she can ignore the biggest problem with this rising instability. Experts have shown us in a virtual library of research papers that the children of single parents are at greater risk of everything from poverty to school failure to imprisonment. Their large numbers will almost surely help perpetuate inequality, poverty, and immobility.

“Despite hand-wringing about the institution of marriage, marriages in this country are stronger today than they have been in a long time,” Miller writes. As it happens, hand-wringing is an appropriate response to the state of marriage today.

That is, for anyone concerned about inequality and America’s lower income children.

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How Our Schools Can Better Serve Children of Divorce

What did you do over your summer vacation?

As the new school year gets underway across the country, it's time once again for students to take out paper and pencil and explain to their teachers all that's happened in their lives since the end of June. For many kids, this is an assignment filled with stories about Fourth of July cookouts, family vacations, and having fun with friends.

But what about children whose parents decided to separate or divorce sometime over the past two and half months? For these children, summer vacation was probably spent feeling worry, anxiety and even anger as they dealt with some pretty heavy topics... Is my parents' divorce my fault? Where am I going to live? Does my mom or dad (whoever moved out) still love me? Why do I have to move? Why can't I go to the same school?

With the hustle and bustle that comes with the beginning of the school year, I know that it can often go unnoticed that a new or current student is experiencing the transition of their parents' separation or divorce. Generally, school district student information forms do provide room for general custody information, but the information sought tends to be limited to providing a second address if parents do not reside together, or information pertaining to any situation in which a parent is not allowed to pick up or visit a child at school. I have never seen a school form that asks something as basic as, "Is this a new arrangement?"

No matter what grade they are in, children whose parents are recently divorced or separated need extra support, whether it's in the form of handing out an extra textbook because the child has two homes, providing a time to meet with the guidance counselor, or helping the student feel included in their new school. Are we doing all that we can? Here are some basic tips we and our school communities can take to keep them from falling through the cracks:

School Forms: In the thick pile of school paperwork required at the beginning of the school year, it would be beneficial to have a box that asks something along the lines of, "How long has the two-home arrangement been in place?" whenever separate parental addresses are given. This is so simple, but also gets right to the heart of the matter. For example, an answer of five years probably means something very different than five weeks in terms of what kind of support a child needs.

Guidance Counselor Assistance: As a divorce attorney, I am asked all the time by my clients for referrals to mental health counselors and family therapists who specialize in working with children of divorce. It would be beneficial for this kind of information to be available from other sources, such as a school guidance counselor. A list of local therapists that could be easily emailed to the parent would be ideal. Likewise, as the first layer of outside support that many children come in contact with, are the school guidance counselors trained and experienced in working with divorced families? As part of school district in-service trainings, this would be a worthy topic to explore.

The Role of Teachers: When it is learned that a child's parents separated or divorced over the summer, reaching out to the child's parents now can be a helpful way to start a more positive dialogue. On the part of the teacher, asking, "How can I help?" can open new doors for parents struggling to come up with effective co-parenting strategies concerning school. Even if it is just making sure both parents are invited to school events and receive school notices, or setting up an appointment for the parents to meet with the guidance counselor, these basic steps may do more than the teacher will ever realize to reduce stress and tension between parents.

Parents: Even if you live two towns over and have parenting time with your child over the weekends and not on school nights, consider yourself part of your child's school community. One of the easiest and most powerful ways to show your child that you are still a part of their life is to show that you care about their experience at school. In other words, attend back-to-school night, look over their school work or help out with homework when your child is in your care, and watch your child in their school sporting event. If possible, combining co-parenting and school obligations can be much more successful for children of divorce if it's a team effort. Open up about your recent divorce to other school parents; there can be a lot of useful tips that might come from others that have already gone through this. A recent Huffington Post article has added comments from divorced readers on tips for making the school season less stressful.

Are you taking these steps? And what about your child's school district? Have you told them about your divorce?

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Article source: suntimes.com 

Answering Your Kids' Hardest Divorce Questions

By: Jackie Pilossoph | For Sun-Times Media | @divorcedgirljp

There is nothing more gut-wrenchingly sad than when your child, wide-eyed and hopeful, asks you this question: “Are you and dad ever going to get back together?”

These and other divorce questions from kids can feel like a punch in the stomach, causing anxiety, guilt and sorrow. There are no magical answers to your kids’ questions because a divorce is undoubtedly very difficult for any child. But the silver lining is, if you put some thought into how you answer these difficult questions, if you have an unselfish attitude by filtering your answers, and if you end every answer with “We both love you,” it makes the sting a lot more manageable.

Here are six common questions kids ask after a divorce, and suggestions on how to answer them.
1. Why did you and mom/dad get divorced?
Because your dad was cheating on me. Because your mom drinks too much. Because dad and I can’t stand each other and we don’t want to live together anymore. This is what you are probably feeling and what you’d like to scream at the top of your lungs. The fact is, you can’t. A better way to answer this very difficult question is by saying something like this: “Your dad/mom and I once loved each other very much, but people change and people grow apart. Neither of us wanted that to happen, but it did. We tried very hard to work things out, but in the end, we both felt it was better. What hasn’t changed is that your dad and I still love you, and both of us will always be here for you.”

2. Do you still love mommy/daddy?
You might and you might not. If you do still love your ex, you might want to say, “There is a part of me that will always love your mom/dad. We share so much history, and most importantly, we share you. I will always love him/her for giving me you.” If you don’t feel like you can honestly say something like that, you could answer, “I don’t love your mom/dad in the same way I used to. I respect him/her and I think he/she is a good mother/father. But now we are just going to be partners in parenting and hopefully good friends, some day.”

3. Why do we have to be the only kids who have two houses?
Kids often feel like they don’t know any other kids whose parents are divorced, which we all know isn’t the case. The best answer makes it clear that they aren’t alone, and that there are lots of other kids in their same situation. Make sure to tell them, “We are still a family. We might not be the traditional family, but we have love and warmth and security in our home, and you have those same things in your mom’s/dad’s home. You aren’t ‘different.’”

4. Will you and mom/dad ever get remarried?
Be firm on this one. No need to give a child false hope. “No. Your mom/dad and I will never be remarried. But we both love you very, very much and we will both always be here for you.”

5. Why does mom/dad hate you?
Because he/she is a bitter, unhappy person who can’t let go of the past! Sound like something you want to say? Don’t! Instead, go with, “Mom/dad is very angry right now, mostly at the situation, not at me. Give him/her some time and hopefully he/she will act a little friendlier towards me. The most important thing for you to focus on is that mom/dad loves you.

6. Did you love mommy/daddy when you had me?
This is perhaps one of the most important pieces of information you can share with your child. I think it’s wonderful to tell your children stories of how you felt when you first met their mom/dad, how and why you fell in love, funny stories that happened when the two of you were dating, how he proposed, and my favorite, the story of your child’s birth. Kids love this so much, and it helps build self-esteem and self worth. The knowledge that you and your child’s mom/dad loved each other at one time is the biggest gift you can give them.

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Article source: suntimes.com 

How to Deal With Your Ex at Your Children's Special Events

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Does the very thought of seeing your ex at your child's special events make you so angry you'd rather make an appearance at traffic court?

Birthdays, sporting events, school conferences, getting your child situated in their college dorm, weddings...regardless of how long you have been separated or divorced, each of these special events can cause you to experience wide swings of emotions that can feel overpowering. Feelings of anger, anxiety, frustration and resentment can eat away at you emotionally before, during and after the special event takes place.

I remember when my oldest daughter graduated from college. Since my ex had parenting time with our young son that weekend, he drove with our son to the college several hours away and I drove with our other daughter. When my daughter and I arrived at the older daughter's college residence, I was surprised to discover that my former brother-in-law who I had once been very close to had shown up from another state and was sitting on the front porch with my ex. Since he had quit speaking to me early on during the divorce, the pain and anger I felt came to the surface.

Biting the insides of my cheeks to keep my emotions in check, I spent the time before the graduation ceremony in another part of the house and then ended up sitting at the graduation with my daughter's roommate's mom and her relatives -- on the opposite side from where my ex, son, other daughter and former brother-in-law were all sitting together.

How can you deal with your ex at your child's next special event?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Think of your Ex as a Very Difficult Business Associate -- You know, the one who steals the limelight for your hard work, waits till the very last minute to tell you something important and who forms secret alliances in the men's room to report every small mistake you make to the people in power. As much as you would like to smack him with a stapler to make a point, you choose not to because business is business!

Insist on Respectful and Civil Communication -- If you and your ex had to deal with each other about a business matter, you would need to find ways to communicate clearly and get your critical points across in a well-defined and civil manner, avoiding emotional confrontations. By thinking about what potential hot-spots you may encounter and deciding ahead of time what specific actions you will immediately take when your ex tramples over your boundaries, you'll find it easier to focus on your child and less on worrying that an argument will erupt.

Remember that your Personal Life Belongs to You -- Now that the ties of marriage have been broken, it's up to you to claim and insist on the right to your privacy. Remember that you no longer need to explain things to your ex, defend your decisions or try to change his mind -- those days are over! Consistently enforce the rules of engagement that all communication with your ex needs to be related to your children's specific needs or necessary financial transactions so that anything else your ex brings up is off-limits and merits an immediate time-out.

Cut Off the Oxygen Flow from Everyone Else's Opinions -- It's very common to share your anger and frustrations with relatives and friends during the nerve-fraying times of stress that come along with separation and divorce. However, once the divorce is over, many of these same people will continue to offer their advice and opinions about your ex's actions and behaviors. Although these may be tempting to listen to, opinions and advice from relatives and friends keeps adding more fuel to the firestorm of emotions you have previously experienced.

Resist the Urge to Find out More about your Ex's Current Life -- Encourage your relatives and children not to share any more details than you truly need to know. Less really is more, and you will be better off in the long run for it.

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Article source: huffingtonpost.com

Woman Sues Lawyers for Letting Her Divorce Hubby

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Solicitors should have respected her Catholic faith, she says

By Neal Colgrass, 

• STORY

             

So, divorce means the end of marriage? A British woman was apparently shocked to hear about this, the Independent reports. Jane Mulcahy even filed suit against her former lawyers for failing to explain the whole divorce thing. Mulcahy said they should have respected her Catholic faith and advised her to seek judicial separation, which is a notch down from full divorce. "The most striking of Mrs. Mulcahy's many allegations of negligence against her solicitors," noted the appeal judge, was that their advice failed to mesh with "her firmly held belief in the sanctity of marriage." 

In Mulcahy's view, the lawyers were responsible for "bringing about the final termination of her marriage, which she wished to avoid." Mulcahy's appeal in the case was struck down, but another unusual divorce case is still underway, the Daily Mail reports. A Kuwaiti woman said it all started when she saw her husband eat peas with bread instead of a fork. So she filed for divorce, saying she could no longer live with the man after witnessing the "shocking sight" of his poor etiquette.

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Article source: www.newser.com

Divorced? You Can Survive and Thrive During the Holidays!

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Speaking from personal experience, I don't think this accurately describes the dissolution of a marriage. While the marriage itself may officially dissolve when a divorce is final, the ripple effect from the wreckage of the relationship continues to make waves for years to come. Especially, around the holidays. Especially, when there are children involved.

When we first sail out into the sunset with our betrothed, we fantasize about what the future holds. Visions of our ideal life dance through our heads:

A home filled with children, their toys and their art,
Family dinners and trips that will stay in our hearts
And the holidays, filled with expectations so high
With menorahs or Santa, traditions money can't buy.

Then, somehow our love boat hits rough waters resulting in divorce, and the relationship sinks along with our sugar plum dreams. Our happily ever after story changes course into a new and undiscovered land, and we learn how to reinvent our lives, one step at a time, to what will become our new normal.

While the new normal may ultimately be better for everyone, we often only hear the bad, the worse, and the ugly when it comes to divorce stories. Tales of revenge and children being used as weapons to inflict harm against a former spouse put them in the middle of the battle. Though they shouldn't be anywhere near the divorce arena, they all too frequently end up there, feeling pulled in both directions, torn by the fear of disappointing either parent. This can be especially true during the holiday season.

The best gift we can give our children is to provide them with a sense of love and stability throughout the year, and to keep in mind that during the holidays it can be a bit more challenging, not only for us as parents, but also for them.

Below are some comments, questions and answers relevant to handling the holidays as divorced parents (all based on the assumption that a child's safety is not at risk):

Q: I'm in the process of a divorce and with the holidays approaching I'm not sure what to do. How do we divide up these special family days?
A: 1. Make sure that every decision is with the intention of doing what is best for your children. No matter how upset you are at your ex, your children's sense of security must come first.
2. Put your differences aside and communicate with your ex. Be (literally) on the same page as your ex.
3. Have a schedule in writing. Make sure it's very specific as to whom the children will be with and when.
4. Tips for making a schedule:
a) Be Specific. State exactly the day and time children are to be picked up and returned, and by whom.
b) Alternate Holidays. Some families alternate years, and some alternate within the same year.
c) Divide up the Holiday. Thanksgiving lunch with dad, and dinner with mom. Or, make a turkey the week before. Who says you can only have turkey on that Thursday?! Christmas and Christmas Eve can be split, and Chanukah has 8 days. On the positive side, the kids get to celebrate more!
d) Share Holidays. Some parents are able to be together in the same room to cut the turkey, sing carols, or light the candles. But, it also may confuse or sadden the children so talking with the children and consulting a professional could be helpful.

Q: My parents divorced after I left for college. I looked forward to celebrating Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, and then my dad said he wanted us to come celebrate with him. We compromised by sharing the day but I think he felt disappointed that we didn't change our tradition.
A: We tend to forget that even older children need to keep some old traditions. Pick a different holiday to spend with Dad. There are great opportunities hiding in what we think of as problems.

Q: Does keeping traditions make it harder on the kids? It's not the same as it was, and trying to reenact the ritual is just a big reminder that things have changed.
A: It's important to balance old traditions that provide familiarity and comfort to all, while creating new ones to assist the family in moving forward. This makes it easier to transition into the new situation.

Q: I'm going to be without my kids for the first time over the holidays. I'm already dreading it!
A: When we dread something, it will likely be dreadful. Change how you look at it. Challenge yourself to see this as an opportunity for you to have some rest and relaxation.
Second, giving is the spirit of the holidays. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or bringing gifts to children who are stuck in the hospital over the holidays. This is also a quick way to feel grateful for what you have.

Q: This is my first Christmas as a divorced dad. My kids are coming to my place for dinner and I have no idea what to do. I'm afraid I'll disappoint my kids. What should I do?
A: Take a deep breath and remember your children love you unconditionally, and you have options!
1. If you're too afraid to cook, tell them you want to give them a special treat by going out for dinner.
2. If you're willing to take a stab at that ham or turkey, the Internet is your friend, providing a plethora of recipes.
3. Make it a family project. Get the kids involved and cook together in the kitchen. Make it fun and create new memories!

While I like to always focus on the positive, here are a few do's and don'ts that are helpful for the holidays, and all year round:
Don't make kids feel they have to choose sides.
Don't tell them how awful their other parent is.
Don't try to buy their love.
Don't use them as pawns on your chessboard of divorce.
Don't make them feel responsible for your happiness.

Do teach them that attitude is everything.
Do teach them they have a choice in how they respond to situations.
Do show them that they're loved unconditionally.
Do create a loving, secure environment.
Do show them it's possible to stand up for yourself and still compromise.

Holiday time carries with it certain expectations. Some of these we put on ourselves, and others are imposed upon us by society. Try to focus on what is best for you and your family and tune out the rest of the noise. Let it be a time to be grateful for what we have. When we focus on all that is good in our lives it helps to brighten the dark shadows cast by the difficulties we face. Children will follow your lead, so always take the high road. Onward and upward! Happy Holidays!

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Article source:  Huffington Post