10 Things No One Tells You About Divorce

The Huffington Post  |  By Brittany Wong

Not all divorce advice is created equal. For every good tip you receive from someone (don't use your attorney as your therapist, keep those rants about your ex off Facebook), there are just as many unhelpful comments: "Don't get mad, get everything!" Just no.

The best source for advice you can actually use are divorcés themselves. Below, 10 HuffPost bloggers and readers share the one tip they wish someone had given them during the divorce process.

1. Moving on is a marathon, not a sprint.
"The difference is, a marathoner trains for hours before the big race. Divorce strikes most of us unexpectedly with no training on how to get through it. Take things day by day and one step at a time until you find solid footing and each step doesn't feel like you're walking on quicksand. And realize that emotions shouldn’t be suppressed. As a man, I was raised in an environment where emotions weren't to be spoken of -- divorce taught me the opposite." -Vidal Cisneros Jr.
 
2. Divorce feels a bit like death (without all the casseroles delivered to your door.)
"Losing your ex -- and your ex's family -- is almost like a death. You need to mourn the loss of them and understand that your ex's family will probably stand by him or her in spite of any wrongdoings." -Jessi Ann Bigler 

3. Post-split life is kind of boring.
"The one thing nobody warns you about is the most unexpected thing about divorce: boredom. The divorce process is so full of drama -- from lawyers telling you how broke you’re going to be to the unhappily married dads at your kids’ school drooling as they ask what it’s like to be single again -- that you start expecting every day to be as eventful as a Shonda Rhimes series. But trust me, it’s not. Maybe there’s some decent histrionics in the initial months of separation, but after that, life settles into a menial routine not that different from when you were married. You rush to get your kids to school on time. You figure out how to pay the bills. You fall asleep watching Netflix on Friday nights because you’re too worn out to go out. It’s less like the tear-jerking Lifetime movie you expected it to be and more like, say, a minivan commercial." -Craig Tomashoff

4. There’s no shame in getting divorced.
"Why didn't someone tell me there’s no shame in getting divorced? It can be a loving and positive decision for you and your spouse. In American culture, we shame people who divorce. We view them as are failures, as lazy, as immoral. Accordingly, the only way to avoid the shame of divorce is to fight, to blame, to win, to prove it was not your fault. By making divorce a shameful thing, we guarantee nasty combative divorces. The damage done is incalculable. We need to create new stories about what divorce means. Someone recently said on Twitter, 'My marriage didn’t fail, I simply completed it.' I wish someone had told me there’s no reason to feel ashamed just because you need to create something new." -Mark Greene

5. A financial advisor is just as important as an attorney.
"I wish someone had pulled me aside and told me to hire a financial advisor. Divorce can leave you in pretty dire straits without the right information and the truth is, divorce proceedings are primarily about money." -Beth Cone Kramer

6. There is no "right" way to be divorced.
"People couldn’t understand why I was still hurting a year later. Why I had trouble trusting men enough to start dating again. Why, five years later, I’d be having a perfectly great day and then *boom* a little jolt from the past would bring everything back to the surface. We all have our own timelines. Some bounce back immediately, ready to take on this new life with lustful enthusiasm. Some retreat into a Greta Garbo/hermit mode and just want to be left alone for a while. I wish someone had told me that it’s OK to take as long as you need. I often felt as though I was scrambling to meet some make-believe deadline: Time to date! Time to remarry! It would have been good to know that there is no 'right' way to be divorced." -Jennifer Ball 

7. It can turn ugly. Really ugly.
"I didn't realize divorce could be so downright cataclysmic. Sure, you hear all the horror stories, but you think you and your soon-to-be ex are above all that. Guess what? You're not. There's something about the complex combination of bloodsucking lawyers, wars of words and mental anguish that causes you to channel the dark side with a vengeance that would make Darth Vader proud. At some point, you experience every negative emotion under the sun. For the average person, this means stratospheric levels of rage, spite and anger coupled with ample amounts of loneliness, depression and despair. Even if you're so delighted to be out of the relationship you could do cartwheels, the process of getting to the other side is, at times, akin to undergoing an anesthesia-free root canal." -Austin Blood

8. You might second-guess your decision.
"Even if you're certain of your decision when you split, you might not be a year from now. When your ex moves on, it will be hard. You may feel jealous of the new person, even if you know you were miserable in your marriage. You may wonder if your kids would be better off if you had stayed in a two-parent household. You could start second guessing the divorce. You look back with rose-colored glasses, remembering the good times and glossing over the bad. But really, no marriage is all good or all bad. There was sickness and there was health. You have to do whatever you can to keep a realistic perspective post-split." -Kim Caloca

9. Your family and friends may react in unexpected ways.
"I was the first person in my family and friends to get a divorce. I had to figure out a lot on my own. I wish someone had told me that my grandparents would not understand and treat me like the black sheep of the family. Or that the hypocrites who never said a word about how they felt about my ex would finally speak their truth and tell me how they never thought he was good for me. I wish someone had told me that my happily married friends would treat me like my failed marriage was contagious and that I would lose friends because I was divorced." -Kim Tanis 

10. Moving on is a choice.
"When the shock and awe has passed, when you've forgiven the betrayal, you have a choice: To stay cocooned and venomous or to look on your divorce as a lesson. And to then make it work for the sake of your children. It's not always easy, but it's always necessary. I am happier and more peaceful as a result." -Ellen Watson Cady 

 

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

Getting Back into the Dating Game: Life After Divorce

Life after divorce can be overwhelming for the average divorcee. Some become serial daters for a few years followed by a committed, long-term relationship. Others jump out of the frying pan and into the flame by walking down the aisle right away. My piece of advice is plain and simple: get out there. As simple as it may seem, many men and women do not know where to start. Men and woman begin this process differently.

Women: You need to piece yourself back together! Anything you let fall apart when you were married, mend it. Love yourself again for who you are. Once you begin to love yourself again, men will follow suit. If you exude confidence, you can attract any type of man you want. The biggest turn on is confidence.

Men: Be a typical guy, jump into bed with all the girls you meet and get it out of your system. Falling into "lust" is not going to find you a wife. Once you've "sown your oats" then you should be ready for a committed relationship. Be aware there will be a band-aid and she will unfortunately be the one to get hurt. Soon after that, you will be ready to seriously start dating. Eventually, you will find her -- when the timing is right.

You may be asking yourself, so how exactly do you suggest I put myself out there? Putting yourself out there can be as easy as widening your interests or finally doing that one thing you have always wanted to do but never had the chance. Join a club or a new gym. If you do this, you're bound to meet people -- even if it's just friends. By making friends, you meet their friends and consequently you are continually widening your circle, which can eventually lead to finding "the one." If you are still a bit shell-shocked or shy, the best thing you can do is try online dating.

Online dating allows you to be the person you want to be. The screen allows you to say -- or type -- the things that you may be scared to say in person. It allows you to bring out the real you, without any insecurities holding you back. Online dating allows you to sit in the comfort of your home, in your pajamas, eating ice cream, while getting to know new people. Best of all, you're putting yourself out there.

Rip off the band-aid that is holding you back and take a leap of faith. Put yourself back together, exude confidence and try something new -- whether it's signing up for an online dating service or asking out that person you've been eyeing. Life is about timing; when it's right it will happen and you will find the right person.

 

 

For more information about Divorce Hell, CLICK HERE!

For more information about my Summit Murder Mystery Series, CLICK HERE!

 

Article source: Huffington Post

10 Tips For Dating After Divorce

You're ready to start dating -- or maybe you already have some dates lined up. It can be a bit nerve-wracking if you've been out of the dating scene for a while. For many it brings up memories of adolescent angst.  Several women were interviewed about getting back into dating after divorce, here are some of their tips.   

1. Don't think that you're too old and any guy you meet will want someone ten years younger.  You're a mature woman with interests and achievements. You're open to experiencing new things. You have a lot to offer and you want to be with a man who appreciates who you are. He wants the same thing in a date that you do -- to meet someone who is good company and who he can enjoy being with.

2. Tell your kids you're starting to date. It's a good idea if you have grown children living at home to let them know you're going to be dating. Sometimes grown children react badly to the news and the man. It may be a sense of loyalty to the father. They may resent you for "leaving" them emotionally. And little kids can sometimes have temper tantrums when mom is going out. It's probably best to meet your date somewhere outside the home, at least in the beginning. You don't need to deal with moody or crying children when you're just getting to know one another.

3. Be ready for that first date. When you're ready to date, make sure you look your best. Feeling prepared gives you confidence and that confidence allows you to relax and focus on the dating experience.

4. Think about what's important to you. You would like to meet a man who is considerate, interesting and interested in you. You want great chemistry and a good companion, so plan to be all those things for him. You know a little bit about him already, concentrate on learning more.

5. Don't make snap judgments. Everyone is nervous on a first date. Try to make the first date something you'll both enjoy. Go to a movie and out for coffee. The movie will give you something to talk about if you're having trouble making conversation.

6. Don't decide he's not right for you until you've been out on a second date. Give both of you a chance. See him a second time. You'll both be more relaxed, and you'll be able to tell if he's a "possible."

7. Put the iPod, iPad, pager, android, cell phone away.  If you have a baby sitter and need to know if you get a call, alert your date before the evening starts. Put the phone on vibrate so you can check it, but whatever you do, don't answer it unless it's an emergency.

8. Don't get to know one another by re-hashing your history. You may be furious with your ex, and as much as we know it's important to vent, don't do it to the new man in your life. He has a history too and he's probably got some unhappy stories as well, but playing therapist or sounding board to one another is no way to create a foundation for a relationship or even for just a couple of dates. Keep your bitching for your girlfriends. And don't let him unload on you about his ex. A good way of handling an awkward moment is saying something like, "Telling each other stories about our exes won't change anything and I'd rather know more about you."

9. If he's going to be in the picture and you have grown kids, set some ground rules.
If you're seeing a lot of your new beau and he comes to dinner or he wants to take your family to the movies, tell the kids they need to behave in a grown-up manner when he's around. Tell that there have been many times you might not have liked their friends, but you were always polite to them and you expect the same courtesy.

10. Remember, if he isn't right for you there will be someone else. If things don't work out be open, try new things, and take any opportunity to make new friends. Always go on blind dates. Believe in romance and don't give up. 

If you recently met someone special, how did you meet and how did you make it work?

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, CLICK HERE!

*article found on huffingtonpost.com