Do's and Don'ts of Divorce with Kids

Divorce is a difficult time for every family, but especially the children.  It is important for parents to understand that your older children will be very uncertain about their future.  Against this backdrop, consider these points:

1. You still need to be a parent and address issues with your children. Let them know that you don't have all the answers and it is OK to say, "I don't know."

2. Don't make them choose sides. If you are having a bad moment, don't criticize your spouse to your children. They are not your friends, do not confide in them your fears and anger regarding your spouse.  They need you to be their concerned parent.  Make it very comfortable for your children to remain neutral.

3. Your children are not your spies. Asking questions like, "Does your father have a girlfriend yet?" and "Did your mother have a drink while you were there?" puts your children in the middle.

4. Your children are not a weapon. Asking questions like, "Do you love me or Daddy more?" or "If you loved your Daddy, you would want to spend this weekend with him" are cruel questions. 

5. Your children are not to be spoiled. Many divorcing parents overcompensate with material things to make up for the whole situation. Indulging your children's every whim is not the answer.

6. If your children throw a tantrum, let them. They might need to vent as much as you do. After the emotions of the moment have passed, they will be able to look at the situation realistically.

Sometimes the best advice you can receive, is from someone that is or has experienced divorce for themselves.  Take a look at advice from parents below.

• -Paul Everitt, Louisville, Colo.; parents divorced 30 years

 I have two boys, and in some respects I think the divorce actually made them stronger people. They had to deal with adversity early and had to learn to land on their feet. And, in a sense, that's not a bad thing. So, while I wouldn't say divorce is fine, I also wouldn't say that it's always a huge negative for kids. It's better than the parents staying together when they really are not suited for each other.

• -Anonymous, Boulder, Colo.; married four years, divorced seven years

When you're sending your kids to visit your ex, don't send them empty-handed, expecting that your ex will have the things they need. When you send the children on their visits, give them what they need. If your ex does not send the clothing or items back, explain that you send the children with what they need so the visits will be pleasant for everyone, and that the children need these things returned so they will feel good about both parents.

• -Dom Greco, Poland, Ohio; married five years, divorced 17 years

Dropping off and picking up your children can be really emotional, especially at the beginning of a separation. One way to make it less emotional is to pick up or drop off the kids at school, where you won't encounter your ex. Keep the dropping off and picking up of your kids upbeat. It is OK to tell them how happy you are to see them, or that you missed them. It is never OK to cry; suck it up. We are the reason our children are in this situation.

• -Alexis, Knoxville, Tenn.; married five years, divorced two years

Don't badmouth your ex to your children. Don't shoot arrows at each other because, I promise you, they go straight through your kids' hearts.

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, please CLICK HERE !

*article from the bellingham herald

Explaining Divorce to Children

You have made the tough decision to end your marriage. Now you face the challenging task of explaining this decision to your children. What do you say? How do you begin? When should you tell them? These are all valid questions and they deserve careful consideration.

How you proceed will likely be influenced by your child's age. The care you take to explain divorce will ultimately help to ease the stress of divorce that many children face.

Explaining divorce to children at any age is difficult. However, younger children almost always react with feelings of confusion and fright as they face the loss of familiarity, predictability, and ultimately their sense of safety and security. Addressing these insecurities appropriately involves these critical steps:

• Do not keep the situation a secret or spring your divorce on your children at the last minute;
• Parents should break the news together so that children hear the same thing from both parents;
• Explain the basic logistics of their new situation (where they will sleep, who picks them up from school, when the changes will take place, etc.);
• Assure them that you both will make sure everything is fine for them;
• Keep your explanations simple and age appropriate;
• Reassure your children that they are not to blame; and
• Be sure to tell them that you both still love them unconditionally.

Your children will need your support more than ever as they deal with the breakup. It is an emotional process that will not be easy for anyone. Let them know that being upset or sad is expected, and that those feelings are okay.

Maintaining your role as a strong, supportive parent may be challenging during this period. Avoid the temptation to vent to your children about your ex-spouse or to lean on them for your own emotional support. Burdening children with these adult realities is unfair and likely to damage their long-term well being.

As parents, you need to use every resource at your disposal to minimize the negative impact divorce can have on your children. Looking to friends and family for support and seeking counseling for yourself and your children are great ways to help deal with the emotional situation.  Don't be afraid to join a support group, talking with others going through similar circumstances can be very helpful and reassuring.

To handle the legal aspects of your divorce, the guidance of a trusted family law attorney or mediator is critical. Putting in place the proper legal resources will help you best prepare for the divorce process, which in turn allows you more time to focus on being attentive to your family's needs during this difficult time.

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, please CLICK HERE. 

*article from sacbee.com

New Website Connects Professional Divorce Research Providers

LifeThruDivorce.com to feature attorneys, therapists, mediators, financial professionals, realtors and more providing insight, support and guidance for divorcing couples and children. Website will be the empathetic, informative guide for everything divorce.

LifeThruDivorce is the premier, interactive Community of support and guidance for parents and children living through divorce.

Our desire was to create a ‘community’ and ‘movement’ where everyone can share feelings, stories, and positive influences and find dedicated professionals to shed light on and guide families through all stages of the JourneyThruDivorce.

When a family goes through a divorce, everyone’s world is turned upside down. Adults and children face a host of unfamiliar situations, including:

•     Ineffective negotiations on child custody, marital assets, etc.;
•     Transitions to separate households and juggling the work-life balance;
•     Increased stress and the consequential emotional / physical issues;
•     Uncertainty about investments and wealth after the split.

Some situations require professional assistance but finding the right people and resources only adds to the challenges.

A new website, LifeThruDivorce (http://www.LifeThruDivorce.com), provides insight and resources for all members of the family to help with transition, support and guidance through every stage of divorce.

“LifeThruDivorce is the brain child of a group of friends who have each been touched by divorce. We found there is no single reliable, full-service resource to get advice, support, empowerment and guidance from professionals and peers,” said Perri Teitelbaum, one of the LifeThruDivorce partners. “Our desire was to create a ‘community’ and a ‘movement’ where everyone can share feelings, stories, and positive influences; and find dedicated professionals to shed light on and guide families through all stages of the JourneyThruDivorce.”

LifeThruDivorce.com will feature national and regional listings of a wide variety of professionals and organizations that can help, including family attorneys, mediators, travel experts, family therapists as well as editorial content and forums where visitors can participate in conversations on endless divorce-related topics.

LifeThruDivorce already has a lineup of experts from various divorce-related fields who are excited about contributing to its community.

“We are proud to announce our alliance with Judy Romanoff, founder of the nationally recognized National Single Parent Resource Center,” said Teitelbaum. “Coach Judy, a former South Florida Guardian Ad Litem, is an advocate for families in transition through divorce. She helps clients navigate through the maze of single parent issues, putting children’s best interests first. Coach Judy will bring her expertise and insight to LifeThruDivorce with an exclusive weekly blog and chat forum.”

While LifeThruDivorce.com is scheduled to launch in March, it has already developed a following and demand for its concept with growing interest on Facebook. Since launching the Facebook page in November 2011, it now reaches up to 724,000 visitors each week. Followers from 12 states have read, “liked” and commented on the content which has included references to relevant articles, professional blogs and even experience sharing.

LifeThruDivorce offers value-added marketing opportunities for professionals who can offer their services to the website visitors. Ads can be targeted nationally or regionally and advertisers can also provide content which demonstrate expertise. LifeThruDivorce’s media kit can be accessed here.
About LifeThruDivorce.com

LifeThruDivorce is the premier, interactive Community of support and guidance for parents and children living through divorce. We provide the knowledge, expertise and empathy to empower families to accept, recover and heal from LifeThruDivorce and move forward in life and love. LifeThruDivorce is your trusted partner, fostering a positive environment with professional guidance from experts in Law, Psychology, Finance, Wellness, Education, Travel, Real Estate and beyond.

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, CLICK HERE!

*article found on prweb.com

10 Tips For Dating After Divorce

You're ready to start dating -- or maybe you already have some dates lined up. It can be a bit nerve-wracking if you've been out of the dating scene for a while. For many it brings up memories of adolescent angst.  Several women were interviewed about getting back into dating after divorce, here are some of their tips.   

1. Don't think that you're too old and any guy you meet will want someone ten years younger.  You're a mature woman with interests and achievements. You're open to experiencing new things. You have a lot to offer and you want to be with a man who appreciates who you are. He wants the same thing in a date that you do -- to meet someone who is good company and who he can enjoy being with.

2. Tell your kids you're starting to date. It's a good idea if you have grown children living at home to let them know you're going to be dating. Sometimes grown children react badly to the news and the man. It may be a sense of loyalty to the father. They may resent you for "leaving" them emotionally. And little kids can sometimes have temper tantrums when mom is going out. It's probably best to meet your date somewhere outside the home, at least in the beginning. You don't need to deal with moody or crying children when you're just getting to know one another.

3. Be ready for that first date. When you're ready to date, make sure you look your best. Feeling prepared gives you confidence and that confidence allows you to relax and focus on the dating experience.

4. Think about what's important to you. You would like to meet a man who is considerate, interesting and interested in you. You want great chemistry and a good companion, so plan to be all those things for him. You know a little bit about him already, concentrate on learning more.

5. Don't make snap judgments. Everyone is nervous on a first date. Try to make the first date something you'll both enjoy. Go to a movie and out for coffee. The movie will give you something to talk about if you're having trouble making conversation.

6. Don't decide he's not right for you until you've been out on a second date. Give both of you a chance. See him a second time. You'll both be more relaxed, and you'll be able to tell if he's a "possible."

7. Put the iPod, iPad, pager, android, cell phone away.  If you have a baby sitter and need to know if you get a call, alert your date before the evening starts. Put the phone on vibrate so you can check it, but whatever you do, don't answer it unless it's an emergency.

8. Don't get to know one another by re-hashing your history. You may be furious with your ex, and as much as we know it's important to vent, don't do it to the new man in your life. He has a history too and he's probably got some unhappy stories as well, but playing therapist or sounding board to one another is no way to create a foundation for a relationship or even for just a couple of dates. Keep your bitching for your girlfriends. And don't let him unload on you about his ex. A good way of handling an awkward moment is saying something like, "Telling each other stories about our exes won't change anything and I'd rather know more about you."

9. If he's going to be in the picture and you have grown kids, set some ground rules.
If you're seeing a lot of your new beau and he comes to dinner or he wants to take your family to the movies, tell the kids they need to behave in a grown-up manner when he's around. Tell that there have been many times you might not have liked their friends, but you were always polite to them and you expect the same courtesy.

10. Remember, if he isn't right for you there will be someone else. If things don't work out be open, try new things, and take any opportunity to make new friends. Always go on blind dates. Believe in romance and don't give up. 

If you recently met someone special, how did you meet and how did you make it work?

To order your copy of Divorce Hell, CLICK HERE!

*article found on huffingtonpost.com

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day to all you couples out there! 

New Bill Could Make Divorce Even Harder

Breaking up "is hard to do", but it’s about to becoming even more difficult if a bill in play at the Utah Legislature goes through.

A measure on ‘Mandatory Divorce Orientation' classes advanced today in the Legislature.

If the bill passed, it would make it so couples would be required to do two things first.

First, a spouse would have to complete a state-approved ‘Divorce Orientation Course' before filing for divorce.

Second, no waivers of a 90-day divorce waiting period, for couples who take the class.

Rep. Jim Nielson says Utah has not cornered the market on family values.

"But I think we take ideas about families, and about public policy as it affects families, we take it very seriously here,” he said.

Before filing for divorce, a person would get options on divorce alternatives, resources on improving marriage, and the consequences of a split.

But divorce lawyer Eric Johnson is no fan of divorce orientation class.

"People getting divorced have to struggle enough with that decision not to be told it's hard,” Johnson said.

But in testimony this week at the Utah State Capitol, Brigham Young University professor Alan Hawkins said it’s still worth the effort.

"I am convinced that there is a small but important number of divorcing couples – perhaps 10% - that are prime candidates for potential reconciliation," he said.

 

What are your thoughts?  Should couples have to attend a divorce orientation course?  I would love to hear your thoughts!  

To order a copy of Divorce Hell, please CLICK HERE. 

Fun Valentine's Day Gift Ideas For Your Valentine!

You may think it is funny that I have Valentine's Day gift ideas on my Divorce Hell blog, but remember... my book is about avoiding divorce!  Of course that that means, showing your spouse you love him/her is important all the time, not just on Valentine's Day.  However, since your significant other may be expecting a romantic date night this Valentine's Day, I thought I would help you out!  These fun, tech-savvy ideas for a romantic Valentine's Day will knock your Valentine's socks off. You can thank me later :)

Shoot from the hip

(Credit: Lomography)

Share your Instagram addiction and take your other half on a shoot. Issue a challenge such as only capturing shapes (preferably hearts), taking only one second to compose a shot or not stopping until the both of you have used every single Instagram filter.

To up the ante, try shooting with film instead. Buy a disposable camera or one of these Valentine's Day-themed Lomography cameras. You could be pleasantly surprised at how the photos turn out, and they may even go into a scrapbook as a future Valentine's Day gift.

The modern mixtape

It's a sad, sad world when no one makes mixtapes or even mixed MiniDiscs anymore.

Bring back memories of your school days with your own version of a love mixtape--i.e., an iTunes playlist. For maximum effect, give your other half a brand new iPod with her favorite songs already loaded on it.

Love song for a partner

To add on to the previous suggestion, turn singer/songwriter for a day and record a love song.

Audio software such as Audacity (freeware) or ProTools (paid) allow you to turn your computer into a mini studio and record and mix tracks together.

Extra brownie points are given if you play a musical instrument.

(Credit: Arcam)

Slow dancing in the dark

Using your iPhone and a speaker dock such as the Arcam rCube, put on some Barry Manilow or whatever ballad sets the mood for the both of you. Dim the lights (put on some candles, if possible) and ask your partner to dance with you. You're likely to feel less silly and awkward about your two left feet if the lights are low.

The amazing race

For the more adventurous, try to indulge your Valentine in a "The Amazing Race"-styled scavenger hunt. Using WhatsApp or any other messaging app, send photos or text messages as clues to a series of locations, eventually leading to the prize: You! Well, perhaps you and a nice picnic basket under the stars.

If that's too much work, you can try hunting down a geocache together. Geocaching is a hunt for treasure--known as a geocache--using GPS-enabled devices and coordinates that are published online by other geocachers.

Picnic under the stars

(Credit: Geneva Lab)

Pack some sandwiches, cheese and a bottle of wine for a picnic in a park. Pipe music (quietly) out of a portable speaker such as the Geneva Sound System Model XS, and then lie on your backs to gaze at the stars.

Even if you live in a metropolis where the stars are drowned out by the lights, Android apps such as Star Chart (S$3.99) or Sky Map (free) still allow you to do some star spotting. These apps use your handset's GPS and camera to identify heavenly bodies.  

Instant poet

(Credit: Razeware LLC/iTunes)

Use the Instant Poetry HD app (S$1.99) to create moving masterpieces for your Valentine, then sneakily change the wallpaper on her iPhone/iPad.

The app is inspired by those fridge magnets consisting of words which you piece together to form instant poetry. There are three different word themes to choose from--love, sadness and passionate--and you can even customize the background. Rather than using a corny shot of the two of you, our suggestion is to use a significant location in your relationship as the backdrop instead.

Video games

You can count your lucky stars if your better half prefers quiet evenings in to being wined and dined.
Ease her into the finer pleasures of console gaming with some perennial favorites such as Rock Band, Mario Kart and Need for Speed. Oh, and do let her win once in a while.

Favorite flicks

If your Valentine isn't much of a gamer, you can go the tried-and-tested route of watching a movie. Perhaps you can refer to our list of top 40 must-have Blu-ray Discs for suggested titles--Up!, Shakespeare in Love and Avatar seem to be the most Valentine-friendly for now.

Order Charles Irion's book Divorce Hell to get his advice, learn from his mistakes, and avoid divorce by CLICKING HERE. 

*article from cnet.com