New type of divorce sweeping the country

Story by Mary Quinn O’Connor/CBS12

 Karen Coleman has heard horror stories about the divorce process.

So when she filed, she knew exactly what she didn't want.

"I was dreading the process. I knew it had potential to be very adversarial,” says Coleman.

So, she reached out to attorney Kim Nutter, who heads a group called The South Palm Beach County Collaborative Law Group.

A collaborative divorce is exactly what she got.

“They are trying to guide you to a resolution as opposed to gearing you up for a fight.”

Typically there are three traditional ways to get a divorce: do it yourself, through a mediator or through litigation.

Kim Nutter says a collaborative divorce is a happy medium between mediation and litigation and it's sweeping the country.

“In a traditional divorce, people takes positions and they dig in their heels,” says Nutter.  “You choose a collaborative divorce if you want to maintain some type of relationship," adds Nutter.

There are key differences between a litigated divorce and a collaborative divorce.

A litigated divorce can cost hundreds of thousands, even millions.

But, a collaborative divorce typically stays in the tens of thousands of dollars.

A litigated divorce can take years; a collaborative, just a few months.

The biggest difference, however, is everything is done outside of the courtroom.

“There is a better way to do it, a way that still allows disclosure and will do less harm to a family,” says Nutter.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

Making divorce easy on children

By Andrea Kellerman 

If we, the adults, cannot cope with divorce, how can we expect our children to?

Divorce is unpleasant, emotional and hurtful.

The problem is, we sometimes forget that we aren’t the only ones experiencing this pain. Often our children suffer an unnecessary degree of hurt as a result of our incompatibility with our chosen partner. At times, we seem to be so involved in our own emotions that we forget how our children feel. If we, the adults, cannot cope with divorce, how can we expect our children to?

It is important to adopt some coping skills, stay calm, and take the child into consideration in every situation.

It helps to use the “stop- think-act technique” to acquire the best outcome of each situation and not just allow our emotions to blindly guide us.

Children might look resilient and it might seem that they don’t understand what is going on. However, they can sense that there is something wrong and react to our emotions and behaviours.
Some tips on how to help you and your toddlers through the process:
 
Consistency
Toddlers need consistency. This is not the time to drag them from house to house. If at all possible, they should stay in familiar surroundings and the non-custodial parent can visit there.
 
Communication
At this age, although they have a better understanding than infants, there is much they do not understand. They can comprehend that one parent has left the home, but not understand why.
Their concept of time is also arbitrary. Your child may ask you when they are going to see their daddy, or why mommy isn’t here anymore.
No matter how many times you have to give them the answers, don’t get frustrated, as their world is very confusing at this time.
 
Conflict
If you have to argue or “debate passionately”, make sure to do it in a way that doesn’t cause your child undue fear or concern.
Remember, you are the adults in this situation and you have a responsibility to your child, to reduce as much harm as this separation is causing, as possible.
 
Behaviour
Toddlers often test the boundaries by saying “No” to adults or test limits by hitting or throwing. This behaviour and acting out can increase during the divorce process as a result of confused boundaries and definitions in the family. Toddlers need clear, consistent rules, enforced in a loving way.
 
Empathy
Toddlers don’t have a very developed sense of empathy and tend to be concerned primarily with how their needs will be met. In the event of divorce, their sense of security becomes more self-oriented and their concern is about whether or not they will be secure, if they will be loved and nourished.
 
Emotions
As toddlers become more aware of their own feelings, they learn to express them through words and play. As tensions increase in the household, they may become more reactive. Strong feelings are hard for them to manage and moderate.
Let them know that its okay to feel, but remember to help them manage the intensity by proper displays of your own emotional state, as well as appropriate levels of affection and understanding towards your child.
 
It is important to be clear how you are going to tell your child about the divorce. Here are some tips

* Both parents should be present to tell the children, with the main message being that the child is still your priority.
* The love for the child will never change.
* You will still have plenty of time for the child – if not more.
* Telling your child about the break-up should be a very short conversation.
* Practice what you are going to say, before saying the wrong things that can hurt one for ever.
* Never disparage the other parent, because it makes your child feel guilty about loving them.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

10 Things No One Tells You About Divorce

The Huffington Post  |  By Brittany Wong

Not all divorce advice is created equal. For every good tip you receive from someone (don't use your attorney as your therapist, keep those rants about your ex off Facebook), there are just as many unhelpful comments: "Don't get mad, get everything!" Just no.

The best source for advice you can actually use are divorcés themselves. Below, 10 HuffPost bloggers and readers share the one tip they wish someone had given them during the divorce process.

1. Moving on is a marathon, not a sprint.
"The difference is, a marathoner trains for hours before the big race. Divorce strikes most of us unexpectedly with no training on how to get through it. Take things day by day and one step at a time until you find solid footing and each step doesn't feel like you're walking on quicksand. And realize that emotions shouldn’t be suppressed. As a man, I was raised in an environment where emotions weren't to be spoken of -- divorce taught me the opposite." -Vidal Cisneros Jr.
 
2. Divorce feels a bit like death (without all the casseroles delivered to your door.)
"Losing your ex -- and your ex's family -- is almost like a death. You need to mourn the loss of them and understand that your ex's family will probably stand by him or her in spite of any wrongdoings." -Jessi Ann Bigler 

3. Post-split life is kind of boring.
"The one thing nobody warns you about is the most unexpected thing about divorce: boredom. The divorce process is so full of drama -- from lawyers telling you how broke you’re going to be to the unhappily married dads at your kids’ school drooling as they ask what it’s like to be single again -- that you start expecting every day to be as eventful as a Shonda Rhimes series. But trust me, it’s not. Maybe there’s some decent histrionics in the initial months of separation, but after that, life settles into a menial routine not that different from when you were married. You rush to get your kids to school on time. You figure out how to pay the bills. You fall asleep watching Netflix on Friday nights because you’re too worn out to go out. It’s less like the tear-jerking Lifetime movie you expected it to be and more like, say, a minivan commercial." -Craig Tomashoff

4. There’s no shame in getting divorced.
"Why didn't someone tell me there’s no shame in getting divorced? It can be a loving and positive decision for you and your spouse. In American culture, we shame people who divorce. We view them as are failures, as lazy, as immoral. Accordingly, the only way to avoid the shame of divorce is to fight, to blame, to win, to prove it was not your fault. By making divorce a shameful thing, we guarantee nasty combative divorces. The damage done is incalculable. We need to create new stories about what divorce means. Someone recently said on Twitter, 'My marriage didn’t fail, I simply completed it.' I wish someone had told me there’s no reason to feel ashamed just because you need to create something new." -Mark Greene

5. A financial advisor is just as important as an attorney.
"I wish someone had pulled me aside and told me to hire a financial advisor. Divorce can leave you in pretty dire straits without the right information and the truth is, divorce proceedings are primarily about money." -Beth Cone Kramer

6. There is no "right" way to be divorced.
"People couldn’t understand why I was still hurting a year later. Why I had trouble trusting men enough to start dating again. Why, five years later, I’d be having a perfectly great day and then *boom* a little jolt from the past would bring everything back to the surface. We all have our own timelines. Some bounce back immediately, ready to take on this new life with lustful enthusiasm. Some retreat into a Greta Garbo/hermit mode and just want to be left alone for a while. I wish someone had told me that it’s OK to take as long as you need. I often felt as though I was scrambling to meet some make-believe deadline: Time to date! Time to remarry! It would have been good to know that there is no 'right' way to be divorced." -Jennifer Ball 

7. It can turn ugly. Really ugly.
"I didn't realize divorce could be so downright cataclysmic. Sure, you hear all the horror stories, but you think you and your soon-to-be ex are above all that. Guess what? You're not. There's something about the complex combination of bloodsucking lawyers, wars of words and mental anguish that causes you to channel the dark side with a vengeance that would make Darth Vader proud. At some point, you experience every negative emotion under the sun. For the average person, this means stratospheric levels of rage, spite and anger coupled with ample amounts of loneliness, depression and despair. Even if you're so delighted to be out of the relationship you could do cartwheels, the process of getting to the other side is, at times, akin to undergoing an anesthesia-free root canal." -Austin Blood

8. You might second-guess your decision.
"Even if you're certain of your decision when you split, you might not be a year from now. When your ex moves on, it will be hard. You may feel jealous of the new person, even if you know you were miserable in your marriage. You may wonder if your kids would be better off if you had stayed in a two-parent household. You could start second guessing the divorce. You look back with rose-colored glasses, remembering the good times and glossing over the bad. But really, no marriage is all good or all bad. There was sickness and there was health. You have to do whatever you can to keep a realistic perspective post-split." -Kim Caloca

9. Your family and friends may react in unexpected ways.
"I was the first person in my family and friends to get a divorce. I had to figure out a lot on my own. I wish someone had told me that my grandparents would not understand and treat me like the black sheep of the family. Or that the hypocrites who never said a word about how they felt about my ex would finally speak their truth and tell me how they never thought he was good for me. I wish someone had told me that my happily married friends would treat me like my failed marriage was contagious and that I would lose friends because I was divorced." -Kim Tanis 

10. Moving on is a choice.
"When the shock and awe has passed, when you've forgiven the betrayal, you have a choice: To stay cocooned and venomous or to look on your divorce as a lesson. And to then make it work for the sake of your children. It's not always easy, but it's always necessary. I am happier and more peaceful as a result." -Ellen Watson Cady 

 

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

 

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

Divorce Rates: Beaten Women Most Likely to Boot Husbands

By Danish Hussain

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason. DESIGN: URSHELA RIAZ/ZAINAB LOTIA 

ISLAMABAD:  Aneeta Rasool, 33, was accompanied by her three-year-old daughter when she came to the Islamabad Arbitration Council (IAC) to submit an application seeking divorce from her “abusive husband”.

Aneeta, a schoolteacher, has been married for five years. When initiated the case, she was told by the office that the council’s chairman will form a committee within a month to attempt reconciliation between the ‘separating pair’, as it is a prerequisite before any final announcement from the council.
Aneeta was also told that under normal circumstances it takes almost three months before the final divorce announcement is made.

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason.

In the last 11 months, the IAC at the district courts registered 557 divorce cases, 389 of which were initiated by women.

“I am happy, but emotionally hurt,” Aneeta said when asked how she felt after filing the separation application.

“Happy, because I see an end to the five years of continuous pain I suffered at the hands of my husband, and hurt because my marriage is about to end.”

She also shared other stories related to domestic violence that have scarred the lives of many women.
Almost 92 per cent of Islamabad-based women who initiated divorce cases in 2014 have cited domestic violence as the main reason for dissolving marriages.

The IAC processes and registers divorce cases in urban areas under the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance, 1961, however, it does not maintain records of 12 rural union councils.

Section 7, sub-section (2) of the ordinance provides for the registration of divorce cases with the council. Failure to register a divorce is an offense punishable with simple imprisonment for a term of up to one year, a fine of up to Rs5,000, or both.

According to records for the last five years, a total of 2,887 divorce cases were registered with the council, an average of 577 cases per year.

At the same time, during the first 11 months of 2014, the council has failed to settle even a single dispute with reconciliation — all the cases resulted in dissolution of the marriage.

“Couple in a dispute approach us at the final stage, and after exhausting all options to reconcile among themselves. In the majority of such cases, they even don’t bother to sit with the arbitrator at the same time,” said Rehan, an assistant to the arbitration council chairman.

Times are changing

According to IAC statistics, only 98 divorce cases were registered in 1995, of which 19 were initiated by women.

Advocate Sadaf Ali, a family laws expert, says domestic violence has always remained the core reason behind divorces initiated by women.

She said that in her legal experience, women could bear financial hardships and other family disputes to keep the marriage intact, but in the face of physical abuse, it becomes next to impossible for them to stay in the relationship.

She said statistics show that domestic violence was not limited to rural areas. It has also become an urban phenomenon, and the federal capital, where the literacy rate is relatively high, is no exception.
Human right activist Tahira Abdullah spoke on the subject with The Express Tribune. She deplored the fact that there is no legal remedy for women subjected to domestic violence in rural parts of Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa in the absence of legislation.

While urging parliament and provincial governments to come up with legislation in this regard, Abdullah said that the IAC statistics not only endorse and validate the longstanding stance of women’s rights activists on the issue, but also serve as an eye-opener for society in general.
“First, men commit a crime by beating their wives, and then they refuse to divorce them, forcing the women to seek their rights through a lengthy legal procedure,” she said.

Divorce  cases
Year         No.
2013         663
2012         495
2011         557
2010        605

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

Divorce doesn’t make one a failure

Washington Post

While I’m away, readers give the advice
On failure, shame and selfhood:

A letter-writer who was first in the family to divorce, saying, “I feel like a failure,” struck a chord with me. My favorite quote (and philosophy) is from “The Wizard of Oz”:

Dorothy: “Oh – you’re a very bad man!”

Wizard: “Oh, no, my dear. I – I’m a very good man. I’m just a very bad Wizard.”

Everything is relative. Everyone is usually a success at being what he is – and often fails miserably at being what he’s not, from students at the wrong college with the wrong major to gay men trying to fit into a straight lifestyle.

As for being the first to divorce, I wonder how many weren’t, but wanted to be – and should have been.

– Arizona

On a kiss that’s just a kiss:

Our first kiss was chaste, but I was very aware that I wasn’t enjoying it. I just let it happen, feeling strangely disengaged.

He was a good man and I thought I was being kind, even generous.

Subconsciously, I think I felt that way on my wedding day, too.

Thirty years and four children later, I am much wiser. I thought I was being selfless, but I was robbing him.

I am still with that good man, that good, deserving man who, because of my “generosity,” will never know what it is to feel loved by a woman truly attracted to him.

I ultimately did find myself feeling a profound connection with another man. I didn’t act on it, but it made me realize for the first time what I might have had with someone else. I felt a real sense of loss, even more for my husband than for myself.

We should all take our time in relationships and give ourselves permission to feel what we feel without judgment. We owe it not just to ourselves, but to those who believe we might be right for them.

– Anonymous (E.)

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE