Surviving the Holidays after loss

For those experiencing a loss, October through December can be excruciatingly painful months. Death, separation, divorce, illness, family trauma, job loss or moving to a new location result in great losses that make the holidays difficult.

Therefore, here are a few practical tips.

• PREPARE – The ambush of emotions can attack at any time; prepare beforehand.
• ACCEPT the difficulty of this time of year and your loss. Remind yourself that it’s a season and it will pass.
• SOCIALIZE – Don’t hibernate. Insecure feelings may tempt you to isolate, but force yourself to go out even if it’s only for a short time.
• LOWER your expectations – Movies and songs paint an unrealistic picture of the holidays.
• DON’T ANESTHETIZE the pain with drugs or alcohol – Numbing emotional distress with chemicals creates more depression.
• TRIMMING – If old ornaments or trimmings cause too much pain, don’t hang them this year. Put them aside for another time.
• GET UP AND MOVE – Take care of your physical well-being. Healthy foods will give you strength; fattening and sugar-filled foods can worsen your depression. Exercise produces natural stress reducers.
• SHOP online if going to the mall is too stressful.
• COPING STRATEGY – Have the phone number of your counselor, pastor, church, close friend or hotline already taped to your phone. Make the commitment to call someone if negative thoughts get fierce.
• LIGHT – Get some sunshine. Winter can take its toll on your emotions by the loss of sun you experience.
• INVITE a friend to see a movie, have dinner or help decorate the house.
• SET BOUNDARIES – Precisely explain to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren’t. Don’t let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle.
• REACH OTHERS by discovering people who might be alone during the holidays.

To order a copy of Divorce Hell for more advice like this, or to download my free salvation guide, click HERE

FREE Salvation Guide

Have you read my divorce Salvation Guide?  The Salvation Guide is the final chapter in the book Divorce Hell. This 40 page guide provides a healing retrospective on how to find, nurture and develop a strong relationship that will also be a lasting one.

Click HERE to be taken to my Divorce Hell website.  Once there scroll to the bottom of the page to download your salvation guide! 

Divorce Don'ts While Online

These days, divorce lawyers don't have to go far to find evidence “they just go on the Internet. Did you know that what you post online can be used against you in court, especially in a divorce? Attorney Scott Trout, managing partner for Cordell & Cordell, P.C., cautions spouses ending their marriage with his five divorce don'ts online:

1. Don't let it all hang out.

Scott says to keep risqué or inappropriate photos off the Internet. "It's going to come back, and it's going to haunt you," he says. Be careful of photos with alcohol or partying with friends. If you're in a custody battle, they may hinder your case.

2. Don't show off.

Scott says you shouldn't be purchasing big-ticket items before your divorce is finalized, and if you do, don't post photos online. A picture of a fancy new car can be used against you if you're saying you can't afford alimony. The same goes for vacation photos.

3. Don't get tagged.

"Your friends are not your friends in a divorce," Scott says. Make sure people who know you aren't posting photos of you on their profiles and then tagging you in them, so it's easy to see what you've been up to.

4. Don't talk smack.

"You don't want to talk bad about a judge. Judges are human. If you talk bad about a judge or opposing counsel, I don't care what the law says, you lose." Scott says.

5. Don't vent about the kids.

Scott says if there is a custody issue in your divorce, the judge doesn't want to see you putting your kids in the middle. Don't share or post what you have or haven't told the kids. Keep them out of it.

 To order your copy of Divorce Hell CLICK HERE, scroll to the bottom of the page, and click "BUY NOW"

*article from www.drphil.com

Negotiation strategies for families

I saw this article in the newspaper and thought I would share it with you.  It is full of great information.  How to negotiate with your family!

We apply our negotiation skills with our family members every day.  While we don't consider these formal "negotiations" like in business, many experts, view the process broadly as including any communications in which parties attempt to satisfy mutual interests.  So what strategies work effectively in the family context?

Remember the long term relationship.
Avoid competitive, hard nosed brinksmanship negotiations.  Instead, remember you want to spend the rest of your life in close proximity with this person.  If you think you might regret making a certain statement, don't do it.  And if the temperature in the room gets too hot and you or your family member appear ready to lose your cool, institute a cooling-off period.

Listen, understand, and be present.
Don't underestimate the value of just listening and understanding.  When my wife describes a problem to me, my instinct is to try to solve it.  But as my wife will often remind me, that may not be what she wants or needs.  Instead, she may need you to simply listen and empathize.

Dig deep for the true interests involved.
In "Difficult Conversations:  How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, the authors distinguish between three "conversations" within every difficult communication: the "what happened" conversation, the "feelings" conversation, and the "identify" conversation.

In the what-happened conversation parties often focus on what happened and discuss it in terms of "who's right, who meant what, and who's to blame."  The problem is that focusing on right and wrong, assuming what someone "really" intended, and playing the blame game, frequently leads everyone down a negative path. Alternatively, the authors suggests we explore our perceptions, interpretations, and values underlying the issues, stop assuming we know the others intentions, and focus on how to avoid other future problems.

Identify the feelings and emotions involved.
How many of your most difficult family discussions were really about anger, disappointment, shame or some other feeling or emotion?  In "Difficult Conversations"  the authors suggest you address these by identifying everyone's feelings and seeking to better understand them.   Ask, "how do we feel about this and why?" Then explore these in a non-threatening way.

Find and use objective standards
A great way to lower the emotional level in many negotiations, especially highly charged family ones, is to find an objective standard that can lead to an mutually acceptable solution.  Standards that work well here, especially with kids, include precedent (your older brother received the same allowance), policy (everyone must finish their vegetables before leaving the table) and expert opinion (the dentist told you to brush your teeth after every meal if  you want healthy teeth).

Of course, expect your kids to start using these with you, too!

To order a copy of Divorce Hell, click HERE, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on BUY NOW. 

*Article written by Marty Latz

Romance? Theres an app for that!

Lately our smartphones have taken a lashing for interfering with our most valued personal relationships.  We're too fixated on our touch screens to catch the eye of an intriguing stranger.  

But don't worry - the app inventors are ready to turn our cell phones into little love machines.  Most of their creations are widely available and free, though a few will cost you a dollar or two.  And you really can't put a price on technology assisted romance.

Perhaps you're single and looking for love.  "101 Pickup Lines" may help you attract the attention of someone special.  Just tap that cute brunette on the shoulder, scroll through the choices, and lay one on her.  Try No. 37:  "Do you  have a map?  Cause honey.  I keep getting lost in your eyes."  

Once you've got her number, fire up the "Date Smart" app to figure out what to do on Friday  night.  Enter your location, price range, and the type of date you are wanting - adventures maybe or cultural, and it will produce the perfect itinerary for a night of wooing.  

A home cooked meal might be more your style and "Romantic Date Dinner Recipes" can tell you just what should go on the menu.  Once you're seated across from each other, pull up "Getting Flirty" to decode her expressions and figure out if she's having a good time.  

If you wind up back at your place, fire up the "Valentine Radio" app to hear love songs from radio stations from around the world.  Thinking about going in for a kiss but worried about your technique?  Just smooch the screen of your phone, and the "Kiss Me" app will rate your style on a scale of 1 to 10, while also offering some helpful pointers.  "Careful don't chip a tooth" it chastises if you led with your pearly whites.

So... what do you think?  Too much?  Are you going to look up the apps right now?  Think they're helpful?

To order your copy of Divorce Hell - Break-up rituals, Horror stories, Sex and the Seven Year Itch, click HERE!!! 

*Article from Ellen McCarthy - Washington Post

Amazon Review

Another great review for Divorce Hell on Amazon!

5.0 out of 5 stars GREAT read for any married and want-to-be-married couples, December 23, 2009

By 

Jennifer (USA) - 

This review is from: Divorce Hell: Break-up Rituals, Horror Stories, Sex and the Seven Year Itch (Paperback)

First, the book title is somewhat confusing. Divorce Hell is about how to make your relationship stronger and avoid the hell divorce can cause. Irion is candid about his own story of divorce in the first chapter. The following chapters recount various stories of divorce. I was amazed and intrigued by the research Irion did for the chapter on Divorce Rituals. My favorite chapter is Salvation. Irion calls it a love guidebook. Divorce Hell is an interesting, fun, and fact-filled read.

Thanks to Jennifer for the great review!  Have you read Divorce Hell??  Please leave your reviews on Amazon!  We would love to post them.  Haven't read Divorce Hell yet?  That's okay!  Order your copy by clicking HERE.

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