Divorce is generally unpleasant. Oh sure, we all have that
friend who sails through it with a smile on their face and a spring in
their step, never exhibiting an outward moment of hesitation as they
move through the divorce with an almost unicorn-like dignity and grace.
Then there are the other 99.999 percent of us. I have been in the ugly
tear-stained trenches of it all as my little one was ripped from my arms
screaming for his Mommy. I have made some stupid mistakes, more than
once. Sometimes I wonder if all the difficulties I have been through are
the reason I am effective in this line of work. I promise I will not
ask you to do something I haven't done before, and I really understand
how you feel when you sit down in my office overwhelmed and in pain.
Real, excruciating, pain that feels as if you have been punched in the
gut. Not sleeping. Not eating. Feeling as if you are in a daze and as if
all this is happening "to you" without any input, without any control.
Your spouse may get your house, your children and steal your financial
security, but the process may be more difficult than necessary. I am
aware that I am not always easy on my clients. It is my job to tell you
what you sometimes do not want to hear. There is no reason to pay
someone thousands of dollars to just agree it's not your fault, unless,
of course, that someone is your therapist. There are many different ways
to get through this time, some more effective and healthy than others.
After 21 years of practicing law, I would like to say I have seen it
all, but just about every week we see new forms of additional
self-imposed misery. So here are a few tips and what to avoid doing to
make this divorce process a little shorter, less traumatic and maybe a
little less expensive too.
1. You want what she/he is having.
In
divorce, as in life, if you spend the days lamenting over what is going
on with your ex, or anyone else for that matter, this will not lead you
to your happy place. There will always be someone richer, younger,
thinner, smarter, more accomplished along the way. No good comes from
worrying about the things others have, material or otherwise. Your ex
has a new significant other, a new house, a new car. Your ex is
traveling the world (and they never did this with you). Your ex is
spending your child support payment on their nails or golf. They are now
father or mother of the year, and they never even changed a diaper! You
cannot control someone or their actions, but you can control your
reactions.
You can choose instead to be happy they stepped up to
the plate with the children like they never did before, or that they
have a nice house or car for your children to enjoy. You can just be
happy they are not your problem anymore. These worries are serious "time
wasters" that take the focus away from our own lives and happiness.
They also make really crappy conversation starters with a new friend or
love interest. Bitter and jealous are simply not fun to be around. As a
big believer in Karma, wish them well and then move on to more important
issues like your own happiness. Make sure your own glass is half-full
or even better overflowing with new love, new friends and a happy home,
even if it is a town home.
2. You believe you are not accountable for the failure of your marriage.
You were the kindest, most loving, nurturing spouse that ever was there
-- I believe you, I really do. Are you at fault? Yes, you married
someone who did not believe in your fabulousness. Most of the time, if
we are really honest with ourselves, (not always easy or pretty, I know)
we might admit, albeit reluctantly, we knew the very thing about our
soon to be ex that now leads us running to the divorce lawyer. Of
course, there are exceptions to this observation but so very often the
signs are right there, the pink elephant we
chose to ignore.
They were mean to other people, you had wildly different views of the
world and life goals, they were financially irresponsible while you
saved every penny, and the list goes on. You thought you could "fix
them" or perhaps maybe just give up an essential piece of your soul and
what matters, to make them happy. Then one day we wake up and realize
the marriage is over, or perhaps they decided enough is enough, but we
all play a part. When there is no singular fault and when we all accept
our piece of where and how it all ends, we move on faster, we fight
less, we spend less on lawyers and most importantly, we are less likely
to make the same mistake again.
3. You can't forgive.
Well
of course you can, but you just don't want to. I am NOT going to tell
you that you have to forgive -- you don't. It is certainly your
prerogative to hold on to that anger and hatred with all the passion and
love once directed at your former beloved. You want to hold on to it
tightly because it was a really awful horrible thing that was done to
you. It is, after all, the reason you are in this mess in the first
place, right? Someone else did this
to you (see number two
above). There are some things that are unforgivable after all, are there
not? Someone slept with your best friend, beat you, left you or lied to
you. So don't forgive, but be prepared to pull out your checkbook for
your lawyer and the therapist for you and maybe your kids too.
Anger
and hatred have a direct correlation to a longer, messier divorce and
higher attorneys fees while we punish the wrongdoer. Maybe you can
change the dynamic with a little change in perspective. People who hurt
us are often broken themselves with complicated stories and reasons that
may have little to do with us. Maybe we should feel sorry for them
instead of angry? Maybe we should realize how sad it is they will never
know how they were loved, or be capable of giving love the way it was
intended. The truth is forgiveness is not a favor to others; it is a
favor to you. It frees up a space inside you for significantly better
things. Think about the words "angry" and "bitter" and think of an
image. Do they make you happy, do they look light and beautiful?
Sometimes I wonder about the moments of our life. Would our moments be
different if a clock was running down the moments left in this life on
our new Apple watch? Would we choose to waste them rehashing the harms
done to us, or choose moving forward towards more moments of joy? There
is huge power in not allowing someone to steal more minutes of your life
with anger or regret. So go ahead and stay mad or take back your power,
forgive and lower those attorney's fees, after all.
4. You believe you are entitled to the same life.
I
often work against expectations so huge that Cinderella's fairy
Godmother could not deliver them (and don't get me started on her; that
girl has lead more people down the path to divorce, but I digress...).
If you come to me or any lawyer believing you can have the same life you
had before you divorced, you will be sadly disappointed and will spend
unnecessary time and unnecessary fees. The math of divorce is simple
division. Divide by two, your income and assets, and multiply by two,
the amount of bills. Sounds great, right? I don't care if your lawyer
wrote the book on divorce, the story always has the same ending,
everyone will have less. Even in the biggest cases it applies. I call it
"park the plane," everyone will tighten their belt or maybe just give
up a house or two, but nobody gets to have it all. You simply can't
believe, you might have to give up your custom decorated
10,000-square-foot apartment in Tribeca, and will pay any amount of
money to avoid this travesty of justice. Your righteous indignation is
blood in the water and the sharks are circling. Have a low-calorie
alcoholic beverage and save those attorney's fees to put a down payment
on a nice new penthouse on 5th Avenue.
Feelings of entitlement
are costly and set us up to be disappointed in this life. You are both
entitled to a life at the end of this mess but it will be a different
life for you both. Maybe I am a cynic, (after all these years, who could
blame me?) but there is no way to ensure your happiness other than to
make sure no one else is responsible for it. Work hard, own your own
destiny and be grateful for what you have, even if it is 50 percent less
that you used to have; it is so much more than many others.
5. You surround yourself with "yes" men.
They
might be your best friend from summer camp who you have known since you
were 10, your parents, your sister, your brother, and all too often,
your lawyer. Your "yes men" are the ones that support whatever you do no
matter what. They nod in agreement whenever you call your ex a complete
jerk, they agree you deserve to "get it all" for what the other party
has done to you. They encourage you to fight for things you are not
entitled to, they encourage you to use your children, hide your assets,
fight for unreasonable positions and generally condone your bad
behavior. They never see the other side, never hold you accountable for
your actions, sometimes just because they love you unconditionally. Some
of my dearest friends and family however, have been those who have held
me accountable for my own piece of some fairly tragic "life detours"
(people seem to really dislike the term mistake). Sometimes we need the
people around us to tell us to get our shit together, to toughen up or
lighten up. We say "no" to our children everyday because they need to
know there are limits and expectations. No is not a bad thing. Be aware
of those who agree with everything we do or say. Listen to those who
show the real mirror to the not-so-pretty behavior. We all need to be
reminded that this is not the end of the world, that no one is
guaranteed a particular life unless we create it for ourselves and that
who we are at the end of this crazy ride is what really matters.
6. You think too much about you.
There
is nothing that makes people feel worse about themselves than being
singularly focused on what is wrong with their day, their life, their
kids, their job, their appearance. Perspective is the greatest gift we
can allow ourselves to move toward being happy. I can focus today on my
broken faucet, ice maker jamming up, piled up laundry, my daughters four
cavities (no, that is not a typo, and yes, I brush her teeth). This
which will now require us to fly back from vacation for the procedure
because her Reactive Airway Disease makes sedation too risky now with
her recent Bronchitis. In the alternative, I can focus on a friend who
just lost her young husband with two young daughters and think about
her. Today her pain is bigger than any pain I can imagine, her strength
and courage fills my heart with awe that life is hard and people are so
very resilient. These people and stories are a gift to remind us this
too shall pass and there is more life to be lived. Look outside your
pain and your struggles. Your house is not big enough or nice enough?
You have a home. You have family that loves you but are driving you
crazy? There is someone alone tonight. So try to focus on doing
something that is not about you at all. Stop for a whole day and try not
to complain about anything. Say out loud "someone has it worse, I
should be grateful." You will be better prepared for this little bump in
the road we call divorce.
I know divorce sucks, it is not
supposed to end like this no matter how it ends. Someday you will be
through it, hopefully sooner rather than later. Don't torture yourself
or your spouse unnecessarily, you will make the lawyers rich, the judges
annoyed and your children cranky. This divorce is a gift, a new life,
different but better than ever, if you let it be. Get there as fast as
you can, that clock is ticking.
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With
the number of children caught in divorce cases rising, experts have
called for counseling to be made compulsory for this vulnerable group,
who often are the most affected when their parents split.
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