A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

 

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

A Question Every Person Going Through a Divorce Asks

It's a question that every person going through divorce asks: How Do I Get Over this Hurt? They ask their friends, their family, their therapist, even themselves. They also ask me. And here is how I answer.

In most cases, when two people get divorced, one person wants it and the other doesn't. I always have a hard time deciding whose shoes I'd rather be in because both breaking up with someone and being the one broken up with are gut-wrenching.

Here's a benefit of being the one broken up with: Unlike the person who ended the relationship, the person who was broken up with will never have doubt that they did the right thing, or that things might have been different had they tried harder, or even that they miss the person and realize later they made a huge mistake.

The person who was broken up with didn't have a choice. Their ex wanted the divorce. So, there is no self-doubt, guilt, or indecision. It was done to them.

Now, is that easy to deal with? Absolutely not. It is brutal. But, here is one thing that might help you get over the hurt. Pretend I am a psychic who is able to see into your future. And, let's say you are a woman, and this is what I predict for you:

It is five years from now. You are sitting at a kitchen table having dinner with an attractive man, who seems really happy being there. On your left ring finger is a diamond and a wedding band. The two of you are laughing. You look very very happy.

Here's the thing. No one knows (including me) that this will be your scenario, and I don't even know if being remarried is what you want. My point of painting this beautiful picture of your possible future is that you WILL have a beautiful future, and you WILL get a life that is happy and that works for you. It just takes time, and you have to go through the misery of your divorce to get to the other side (the happiness side.)

Remember that movie, The Shawshank Redemption, where Tim Robbins escapes from prison by crawling through a sewer pipe? It's kind of like that. He had to spend 20 years digging a hole in his cell, and then he had to crawl through crap (literally) to get to deserved freedom and ultimate happiness. You are in that hole right now. I was there. So was every person who has ever gone through a divorce. But you will come out of it and have a future. It might be the future I just described, or it might be something else, perhaps a career you are passionate about, or a new hobby that changes your life. The beauty of it is that your future is your choice!

Thinking this way is how you get over the hurt. Grieve the loss, feel sorry for yourself for a little while, (not too long) and then get tough and start to rebuild. Focus on figuring out what you want -- career, hobbies, friends, etc. and then go get it! As for future romantic relationships, it's natural to feel scared that if you put your heart out there again, someone could do to you what your husband or wife did. But, try to overcome that fear because if you put your heart out there again, some guy (maybe the guy at your kitchen table) might love and cherish you forever. Ask yourself if it's worth the risk.
You WILL get over this hurt. You just will. Changing the way you think about it helps.

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE 

Divorce Rates: Beaten Women Most Likely to Boot Husbands

By Danish Hussain

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason. DESIGN: URSHELA RIAZ/ZAINAB LOTIA 

ISLAMABAD:  Aneeta Rasool, 33, was accompanied by her three-year-old daughter when she came to the Islamabad Arbitration Council (IAC) to submit an application seeking divorce from her “abusive husband”.

Aneeta, a schoolteacher, has been married for five years. When initiated the case, she was told by the office that the council’s chairman will form a committee within a month to attempt reconciliation between the ‘separating pair’, as it is a prerequisite before any final announcement from the council.
Aneeta was also told that under normal circumstances it takes almost three months before the final divorce announcement is made.

Aneeta is among over 300 women who have moved the arbitration council to seek divorces while citing domestic violence as the main reason.

In the last 11 months, the IAC at the district courts registered 557 divorce cases, 389 of which were initiated by women.

“I am happy, but emotionally hurt,” Aneeta said when asked how she felt after filing the separation application.

“Happy, because I see an end to the five years of continuous pain I suffered at the hands of my husband, and hurt because my marriage is about to end.”

She also shared other stories related to domestic violence that have scarred the lives of many women.
Almost 92 per cent of Islamabad-based women who initiated divorce cases in 2014 have cited domestic violence as the main reason for dissolving marriages.

The IAC processes and registers divorce cases in urban areas under the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance, 1961, however, it does not maintain records of 12 rural union councils.

Section 7, sub-section (2) of the ordinance provides for the registration of divorce cases with the council. Failure to register a divorce is an offense punishable with simple imprisonment for a term of up to one year, a fine of up to Rs5,000, or both.

According to records for the last five years, a total of 2,887 divorce cases were registered with the council, an average of 577 cases per year.

At the same time, during the first 11 months of 2014, the council has failed to settle even a single dispute with reconciliation — all the cases resulted in dissolution of the marriage.

“Couple in a dispute approach us at the final stage, and after exhausting all options to reconcile among themselves. In the majority of such cases, they even don’t bother to sit with the arbitrator at the same time,” said Rehan, an assistant to the arbitration council chairman.

Times are changing

According to IAC statistics, only 98 divorce cases were registered in 1995, of which 19 were initiated by women.

Advocate Sadaf Ali, a family laws expert, says domestic violence has always remained the core reason behind divorces initiated by women.

She said that in her legal experience, women could bear financial hardships and other family disputes to keep the marriage intact, but in the face of physical abuse, it becomes next to impossible for them to stay in the relationship.

She said statistics show that domestic violence was not limited to rural areas. It has also become an urban phenomenon, and the federal capital, where the literacy rate is relatively high, is no exception.
Human right activist Tahira Abdullah spoke on the subject with The Express Tribune. She deplored the fact that there is no legal remedy for women subjected to domestic violence in rural parts of Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa in the absence of legislation.

While urging parliament and provincial governments to come up with legislation in this regard, Abdullah said that the IAC statistics not only endorse and validate the longstanding stance of women’s rights activists on the issue, but also serve as an eye-opener for society in general.
“First, men commit a crime by beating their wives, and then they refuse to divorce them, forcing the women to seek their rights through a lengthy legal procedure,” she said.

Divorce  cases
Year         No.
2013         663
2012         495
2011         557
2010        605

For more information about the Summit Murder Mystery series, CLICK HERE 

To order your copy of Murder on Kilimanjaro, CLICK HERE
Follow Charles Irion on Twitter HERE
Friend Charles Irion on Facebook HERE
Visit Charles Irion's YouTube channel HERE